They can enter his room if he makes an attempt on his life.
They can enter his room if he starts destroying property.
They can only restrain him if he tries to harm himself or them - and only if they are "restraint" trained and there are 2 of them (they aren't!)
They cannot prevent him from leaving the house.
They cannot lock ANY door.
If he leaves, after 30 minutes the police are called.
The police take his age and disability into account. During the day - he's a teenager who has walked away. They will do nothing. At nite, they will step it up a bit. In the early hours of the morning they will actively look and a missing child alert is sent to transportation services, CCTV around the city and eventually televised.
The police cannot charge him with anything unless he does something wrong.
They will not let him use the house phone that isn't smashed, in case he smashes it. He has no money to get credit for his mobile.
If he walks out of the house without a staffmember - he forfeits any freetime and trust then has to be earned by staying in and being a good boy.
If R asks them calmly to leave his room - which he did - they legally have to leave.
Whatever he chooses to do then...is up to him.
Had I not called - would he be alive now. I don't know. Will he do something later. I don't know. He will not talk with them.
Will this make him realise he has to turn it round.
He was placed where he is because of his extreme nature and suicidal feelings - but at 15...nearly 16....it's up to him.
He was placed YEARS ago..... how has ANYBODY significantly helped him in understanding the real world since we cried out for help when he was 6, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.........
he's older now - you can't just put your arms around him and reassure him - you can't make it better....and in 6 weeks - he turns 16. If he gets there.
No family contact - friends away - just STAFF and sitting in a room on his own. But of course - he chose this.
Why doesn't anyone understand - he can't make informed choices - his brain won't allow that. His brain is in overdrive - like it was yesterday - whatever he's thinking he can't express it - so..... he does what he does. His choice - yep.
I guess turning it round to a very different positive/negative analagy - say you wanted to do a sky dive (I would love to) and you did it, and something went wrong and you died - everyone would be real sad, devastated, disbelieving it could happen - but hey - you were doing something you loved, and a tragic accident occurred - but everyone would have fond memories of you, it was a choice you made and nobody could have forsee something going wrong - and hey - what a way to go!
R - he ends up locked up, on the streets, in a drug den, even dead! How does that go down then. Well, it was his choice - his choice not to engage, his choice to throw opportunities, his choice to hurt himself or kill hismelf, his choice to live life this way, his choice to hate us all when he is loved by us all, his choice to be mean, abusive, nasty, hateful, childish, stupid when he's smart, idiotic when he's clever, argumentative when he should be rational, his choice to hurt, his choice to not engage in education in a non school setting witha adult showing him how to bak a cake, his choice not to listen to the good advice, his choice to put something round his neck or pick up a knife and cut himself up. His choice if he dies. And no - no fond memories, everybody tried, everyone did everything they could, everyone tried to help, everyone in R's life did everything possible - so.... his choices from when he tiny....his choices now - not quite as tragic as being dead from doing a sky dive - no-one really quite as sad because, this was all R's fault.
It wasn't his fault he was born with autism.
See....probably best I go now - so not in a good frame of mind here. Need to go sit by the river - in my beautiful house and beautiful garden and in the lovely kind and gentle world me and the little fella live in.
Balanced - I don't think so. Rational - not right at this point.
10 minutes - I should be OK then. Needed to get that off my chest. Now please ignore it all - just needed to say it out loud.
The river is good right now, and fresh air...
Reading and getting what you're saying, Izzie...
What's so excruciating is that there isn't a bright line between you and R -- you can't do anything, but of course you can do some things. (What would have happened if you hadn't called when you did? What would have happened if you hadn't advocated for R with The House numerous times?) This means that it's extremely difficult for you to let go all the way -- you can't trust them to do their job, and you can't trust that there is no way that you can help things along. But things are so bad and there is so little that you can do that you're left in this excruciating limbo.
It's so hard even just to read about -- I want to advise, to offer ideas, to offer resources. But you already know everything there is to know, and have done the right things throughout -- only to be let down by stupid amateurish errors on the part of the entity you entrusted R to.
So I'll just say that I get -- to a limited extent at least -- how very hard this all must be, and hope that you keep writing, keep talking. And I hope that some staff get it enough that R is effectively brought back from the brink.
K - he's shouting at me.... that's a better sign. That I can deal with. He's made himself some chicken nuggets - he won't talk to them, he won't allow them in his room - he's not even trying to blame me right now (well other than that's why he's in a care home) - he takes no responsibility for yesterday with my father ( I know my father....R and him are similar - same temper ). R says it was dad's fault and he (R) did the right thing by walking away etc etc - but, that it's dad who should be locked up - not him! It's black and white - if R can't see he did anything wrong - then anything that happened after the first word.... is the responisbility of someone else. i.e. pictures smashed etc... that's dad's fault coz he started it! There is no reasoning with R - it's black and white.
He knows he can't go back there - and says he doesn't want to.
He knows he can't go back to his Dads coz his Dad doesnt want him - which is also true.
He knows he can't come to me because he hates me.
He did bring up me going away - shouted that I was going away in anger so he was on his own and I didn't care about him - but then said "very calmly" (complete change of voice) - "I don't care about you and S going away" - genuine - he meant it. See, he doesn't want us - so it makes no difference to him as he wouldn't be seeing me anyway. He won't come to this house because I was meant to be living in it with someone who he cares about - we're not together - ergo - will not come here, and therefore, that's my fault. Black and white.
Admist the shouting - he was communicating. This is good. Of course, he won't utter a word to them. He said he would rather live in a bus shelter and be able to see people in the town, than live in a care home because it means he has a roof over his head with people he despises and won't talk to.
I found out from the senior that C is on duty tonite - I spoke to C for over an hour last nite (he get's it) but he is nite duty - i.e. comes on at 10pm to 10am. R will talk to him - tho C is not supposed to stay up in R's room til late. I believe C will do this tho - so I will talk with him tonite when he comes on duty. R's keyworker is working tomorrow - that will be good. He looks forward to seeing her. I need to get him thru to Tuesday - if he does not do this meeting - his review - which is for the whole of the summer arrangements and post 16 - then.... there is no hope. Not for him, or for me - because he won't get thru the summer unless the arrangments are changed.
I feel better for having got stuff off my chest and for having a damn good cry by the river.
I'm still exhausted.
Mental exhaustion beats physical exhaustion any day. I seem to have both right now. Roll on Thursday.
so, 'good' crew coming on for tonight and tomorrow? and meeting set for Tuesday?
I can't imagine the waiting. For any of you.
Have spoke to C - the one who getis it at the house). We ahve been plotting and planning - he wants things to change and is prepared to help me. He's a good bloke.
Am going to present the Tall Ships Challenge Youth Organisation who I have been in touch with and now have the relevant information. I want Ryan to have an oppountity that could change his life... with a staff member. We both feel Ryan is going to leave... we need to get this stuff onboard - and coming from them and not me.
It's been a good talk and we shared a lot of secrets. I trust this guy. Moreoever, R has a trust for him. We seem to be looking in the same direction
C says R is unusually quiet - incommincado - but he is back in tomorrow nite and will work on him them before Tuesday. Will talk to D after all my meetings are finished in the morning.
Packing not stated yet. So much to do before Wednesday!
Thanku for all listening to me again and helping me through. I cant give up on him - everyone else has in the family - I can't.
G'nite Muffin, hugs.
Rock
Nite hun - and absolutely shattered. x
You're an awesome mum, Iz-, and whether R realizes it or not, he's lucky to have you. Having been a youth worker in a home, I can tell you, you are doing him and them a great favor by communicating. You're the best kind of parent, an advocate. I really do hope things work out for R, hon-. I know, a mom just doesn't give up on her kid. You've thought and fought and struggled, cried and worked and maybe even prayed for R an immense amount in the last day or so. I (and I'm sure I speak for quite a few others here when I say) am behind you 100%. We're there in spirit and if we could be, we'd be there in person to give you all the support you need.
And you're more than welcome for the ear(s). I count it a privilege to be one you can talk to (and vice versa). BIG HUGS, Iz-, and sleep well, tonight. You deserve it!
Christ! Keep up the good fight, Izzie. Peace to R.
k - fighting on...
so not looking forward to tomorrow - and THE MEETING!
This is the one where we all sit round a table and R has to decide his future. How ridiculous is that. He can't choose whether to have a KFC bucket with coke, or a MacDonalds Double Big Mac with coke.
Hey ho!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not going to be a good meeting. We already know that. The last time R had a review he was present at, he stood on the table, kicked the plate of chocolate biccies at the social worker and then threatened to kick her head in. However, that was a while ago now - hopefully he won't kick the chocolate biccies this time. I like chocolate biccies.
k - serious head on now - really isn't going to pleasant so I am trying to distract right now - exhub wasn't going to turn up - but both me and his girlfriend said that is giving R the wrong message.... I think he will show, he may not.
I have said I don't think it is a good idea for my mother to go. R is too angry and she cries too much. She may go against my wishes - we'll see.
I have insisted that R's keyworker be present. They said they would try and sort it out. (how stupid to have his review and not have his keyworker there - I ask ya! - twits)
I am run off my feet right now sorting things out - have the sofas in the garage as new one arrives tomorrow and still haven't managed to resolve the travel insurance issue. Water meter is being fitted (drive dug up) up Wednesday along with hair cuts etc. Divorce papers going to exhub tomorrow to forward to the solicitor and picking up currency. Errrrrrrrm - medication to sort and travel plans to follow up - and some other bits and pieces......dogs to go over to my parents and frogs and newts to return to the pond as they have been getting warm in the bucket. S'ok - not going mad - just thinking aloud.
Oh.... need to pack something.
The system does stink!! But you are handling it about as fabulously as you possibly can. Hope tomorrow goes off with as little a hitch as possible and R behaves as much as he can.
Breathe, Iz-, breathe. We're here, right behind ya. Sorry we can do little more than support and listen, but that we can do.
Thanks QueenDev - it does make a difference - always - knowing you and the crew are there for me when I start to struggle. Thanku x
That's what friends are for. Stay strong, dear friend. And get you some rest for the morrow.
Sofa arrived - have rearranged entire lounge now - looks lovely - sorted.
Travel Insurance - sorted.
I'm on way out door for R's review, to the city - please don't let go of my hand - need to be able to keep them down by my side.
Thanks...
Hi Izzie, I'm going with you in spirit, call on me when you need a shoulder to lean on, here for you. Stay calm at all times my friend. xox
It sounds like you are being incredibly productive in the midst of all of this! I am proud of you! Hugs Izzie...love you sister.
One foot in front of the other. Amazing how things happen. Praying for the best for R, and your family as a whole.
Standing by with oxygen.
HUGS!!!
