25
   

On the edge and toppling off....

 
 
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2008 10:17 am
Me three! How are you all today? Haven't heard from Ms. Iz-. Must be busily out & about. I've gotta put my tiara on & get domestic today. What's the haps where you are?
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2008 10:57 am
Hey Hey

Gosh - what a busy day.... started off with the docs... 1" tummy cut and in goes the pellet gun - ugh - deep breathing, lotsa local!!! 3 butterfly stitches and not allowed to shower for a week Shocked errrrrr no... so they gave me an rx for more dressings so I can at least shower!!!!!!!!!!! Blood tests - no wonder I am so peely wally - how much do they need? - 8 tubes!!!!

Anyhoo - it was all fine - still numb so no worries. Very Happy Not too bad for 12 months of no "girl problems" Razz

Having the little fella here all day each day, am having to occupy to a point though he is very good and resourceful. So we've been doing photography ( Very Happy ) which has been great fun. Will post pics on t'other thread when I get a chance. It was good. He has really enjoyed playing around with my camera and taken some excellent shots. Bless.

Parents have been here changing an inward door to the garage to an outward door which should make life a whole easier - my hands had a problem opening it and then kept hitting the toots with it Rolling Eyes . My mom is still NOT happy about me going away and such like and so forth - she doesn't mean to be negative about everything - she just is. S and I were in the garden playing with a frog etc.... well, I should be "weeding" or "pooper scooping" or.... anything other than what I was doing.

Don't get me wrong... Mom is a saint and wants to help me even though she now realises I am going to live life very differently now. She would do anything in the world for me.... but she also wants me to live her way...or black... well, she doesn't like me being on the internet, talking to people and least of all - not needing her to do everything for me. She shakes her head in disgust, literally, whenever S mentions me talking to people on the laptop!!!! Sheeeesh!

She is also a MARTYR!

R called (phone) here to talk to mom - he hasn't had a tutor for 3 days so has sat and done NOTHING!!! So, he asked to go to mom's for a coupla hours - which I now leave her to say either yes or no... so she tried to put him off and then said "yes" - and then says to me, "well, didn't he even ask to come to you" at which I go into immediate shutdown with her... and then had the lecture on how she wants to get him to come to see me etc. She won't leave it alone. I firmly said that R makes his choices now and I will no longer break my heart every day because he doesn't want me - I can't ...

but what I wanted to say was that R will never come to me whilst he has the chance to go to my parents - they live in the town where his friends are - I live in no-mans land. He's a teenager - he doesn't want to be with me, or here, and to be near me just makes it harder for him when he knows he's not living here - HIS CHOICES! I can live with it now. But Mom has let him stay all the time - will rarely say NO to him despite what I have said in the past, and now is pissy with me coz she just can't understand why, in her words "you just can't let him go like this"....

what the heck does she expect me to do about it?

So, then shutdown comes from me and it's all strained then - and she runs home and waits for R. Now if it were one of the other grandchildren - there are 5 of them... they would come and go too and no-one would say anything - but because it's R - I'm then told she's letting him go there so she can persuade him to come to me etc.... well, I DON'T WANT THAT - if he comes to see me it's because he chooses to - not because he is bribed my mother. How does she think that makes me feel. I don't want R here when he is being bribed to see me and he tells me he has come "only" because it's the only way Granny will let him stay. He then blames me for everything - so if mom does happen to say "no" to something/anything - he will call me and say I was the one who made her say "no" - when I have no knowledge of what has been spoken about.

oh - sorry - needed to vent. Am sick of hearing it. I said "if I can live with R's decision not to see me, then why can't you?"

Mom has choices - yet she'll have him, phone me and tell me every last thing he has done (I DON'T WANT TO KNOW....... IT HURTS MOM - DON'T TELL ME), complains about whatever he does as a teenager.... and then says she's only having him to MAKE HIM COME BACK TO ME!!!! Last nite she phoned me at 8.30pm and said she was sitting in the car watching "your son playing football" etc.... I asked why she was sitting watching him play football...... "because I am picking him up and the House are going to collect him from home"...... FINE! AND!!!! I don't know what she expects me to say or do.

Right... vent over - DONE!




Oh gosh... as I've been writing y'all have turned up here - so sorry - all is really fine... really. Just I can't be on the laptop whilst the folks are here doing stuff round the house..... I can only cope with a couple of disgusted looks per day - not hours of them.

Peace at last!






Good grief - didn't intend on writing any of that.... Embarrassed



Hey ho!
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2008 11:11 am
I was wondering about some of that so you answered some of my questions...thanks hun! Now...Mom's - do that. My Mom, my husbands Mom...well most moms...they like to be martyrs. Great at manipulation. I have to work hard to see that my children don't do things because I want them to. But I find myself using the whole manipulation technique...

But if you have told her...then she knows and should try to stop. I understand exactly where you are coming from hun. So sorry. Think it will be good that you get away for a bit.

ouch! One inch incision, pellet gun...yikes. All that blood..yikes. SO sorry Izzie...(((IZZIE)))

looking forward to the pics... :wink:
0 Replies
 
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jul, 2008 11:26 am
I second what mis- said about moms. Some are better. Some are worse. Unfortunately I learned a lot of my mothering skills about what NOT to do. I'm sure my children will have fun analyzing me in therapy! Laughing

Wow, Iz-, sorry for your pain. BIG HUGS from here as well! Very Happy

Glad you vented about R. That's what we're here for! Hope you really do feel better having gotten it out. You're doing really well handling it, y'know? You've been thro so much, but you don't need me to tell you that!!

I think the trip will be good for you too, and you'll promise to take care of yourself, right?! Rolling Eyes

Looking forward to the pics too. S sounds precious!
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 08:59 am
Iz--

Plenty of teenagers manage to ignore their parents while living in the same house.

Your mother is centrally located for his social life. She may feel that her unending efforts towards reconciliation are making her Personally Desirable. Good. More importantly, she is centrally located for his social life.

Detach. Breath. Detach. Breath. Focus forward.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 10:55 am
Hey Noddy - thanku... breathing.

The problem is..... Mom doesnt want R all the time (which is right) - he has asked to live with her, as she is where his friends are and he get's his way there (though he has been behaving lately), and quite rightly (not that I would ever willingly agree it even if she were to agree - as if I have a choice) she has said "no". R was staying there every weekend - and now my parents have said he can come every other weekend as "they have a life" - which I also completely agree with. But then she allows him to go over to them (much to my father's disapproval) and then complains to me that she should not be responsible for him but is letting him go there to force him into seeing me.... which he won't. If she does ever say no - I get earrache from him.

I'm pretty much the only person who doesn't see R - and I get cr*p from exhub, parents and R. I enjoy NOT answering the phone these days and I have no mobile signal.

R has a joined a football team (it may last one session) - he has a match tomorrow. R has asked that none of us attend - which is fine - will respect his wishes there (or go and ensure he cannot see me) so that he will go. The coach phoned me late last nite and said he was emailing me all the contact and permission forms....basically, they want me to sign off on everything - yet, The House will be taking him training (if he goes), he can only play matches if he is "on contact" on Saturdays. Well - I am going away. I have tried to explain to everyone that I will NOT be here - therefore, if R has a football match and he is not allowed on contact with my parents, or my exhub - and I am not here..... what happens then.

They cannot answer.

It's bloody ridiculous.

They will let him leave care in less than 2 months - but - UNLESS HE IS ON CONTACT he will not be able to play a football match.

This system stinks. It's just ridiculous. How can I be signing permission forms etc for a child who is not living with me, is taken to training by The House, does not even wish to see me unless he is getting something out of it, possibly will be going to football matches - which he has asked we don't attend on contact weekends when he is not on contact with me? I'm all for him playing football - y'all know what a brilliant sportskid he was.... it's great - it will do him so much good - am so proud he has even managed to sort out talking with the manager etc... brilliant (he was so so so amazing at sport - just... fantastic)....

It's just mad. Stark raving blooming mad.

There is just no balance whatsoever - I don't think there ever will be.

Just having a vent. Tears are streaming - need to get them out as they are making my head hurt.

I will never ever understand how this can be the way it is.

Acceptance.... well, had my hands held in the air a long time now. No-one who can make a difference listens.... I guess when I go away for a while some other bugger will have to sort it out, or sign forms or do something - or what, are they gonna turn round and say 'well, you aren't on contact R so you can't play a football match' - you know, I wouldn't put ANYTHING past them.... but then there are so many damn inconsistencies and 2 sets..... no probably upmteen sets of rules - they will pick and choose which ones they want to use to suit their purposes.

Oh - R has not had ONE day of education this week. Not ONE. Nothing, nada, zip.

He is given a clothing allowance £150 every 3 months - this HAS to be spent or given back. Well, give a child £150 and of course he'll spend it. Goodness knows what he spends it on.... £50 a month.... sheesh - I wish (can you imagine being able to just go and buy clothes every single month) - so.... he goes and spends it on stuff he really doesn't need - The House go with him - THEN he phones his Dad and says he needs a pair of football boots. So, what exactly are they teaching him at The House - social skills....living in the real world..... 'here kid - take £150, go buy some stuff - nothing that you need..... but make sure you spend it all" - (that is the care system here and what every Looked After Child recevies) - but instead of teaching him that for sport you need sports gear, etc etc etc - that's what they should be teaching him. Don't get me wrong - he's our kid - we will get him the things he needs in that respect - without a seconds hesitation, he is our kid - BUT it's the principal of giving him a clothing allowance and spending it coz you have to and not buying the things he needs - he isn't learning...... or rather - they are not teaching. And then he may choose (though I really hope he doesn't) to leave care.... claim benefits (ugh) and be in a world he won't understand. Do you see what I'm saying - I can't tell anyone else - they just say 'well, he has to spend the money or it gets taken away'!!!!!!!!

They haven't a damn clue.

Maintenance.... that's all it is - just maintaining him.

It's so sad - R deserved better than this in his life. We all deserved better. Even now... there is just nothing I can do to make any difference to anything. Nothing. It really pees me off.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 10:58 am
Oh... have just read that back - none of that really makes sense - there's too much to explain.

Just needed to say it out loud.

No worries.

Focusing forward now. I have 2 days of peace on my own !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0 Replies
 
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 02:27 pm
You're right, Iz-, the system stinks! I've worked in ours here and it's no better. Glad you had a vent. You needed it. That is a lot of stuff! We keep so much stuff in, don't we? Well, I know I do. We're all here behind you, crying mom tears with you too, I am. Crying or Very sad BIG HUG

2 days on your own? How nice! Very Happy Take them and enjoy them. You deserve it!
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 03:26 pm
Catching up here, Izzie.

Yes, it does make sense. Not what is happening to R certainly, but your explanation of it is clear enough.

I've no answers that will make anything different or better, but keep venting here and keep intervening on his behalf the way you have been all along. And, yes, you have continued to be involved even though he doesn't want your involvement and very little of what goes into the plans comes to fruition. You've been doing everything in your power to make it work. Working from behind the scenes is difficult and painful for you, but you've continued to do it and I've not doubt you will do so going forward.

Unfortunately, there is no crystal ball to show what R will choose after his birthday. I too hope he decides to stay in care. BUT, you've had such a long history with this that I'm certain you know that what happens between now and then will continue to be a rollercoaster ride for all of you and R's decisions will probably change many times over -- perhaps even after his birthday.

You're operating from a position of love and that's all you can do. I'm so sorry that it's all so painful.

((((( Izzie ))))))

Keep breathing. Vent any time. We're here.
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 04:50 pm
You're a good Mom Izzie. He is blessed to have you and one day I feel sure he will get it. Breathing is good. :wink:

Love you..
Hugs,
missy
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2008 06:17 pm
Izzie--

Hold your dominion.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 07:51 am
Fall out has started.

All the schools have broken up - R has another 2 weeks of so called 2 hour tuition per day i.e. bake a cake etc....

his review was cancelled last week as Social Worker is off sick.

I've rung the Joint Agency Team to talk to the Manager - she is also off sick.

The next review will not be held until September.

R has lost the plot.

Fall out is going to be big.

I can do sweet FA - no-one can do anything without a formal review - which is now not until September.

He will have turned 16 by then....

He will have walked by then...

He may not stay there today - he has made a lot of threats

Thing is - he should be allowed to see his friends/peers in the holidays - his holidays should be the same as the other school - he isn't going to be allowed to be in the town officially for the next 7 weeks as the review did not take place. My parents and ex-hub will not agree for him to be on "contact" every day -I will not be here - therefore.....

it's started.

I don't want to be here right now. I feel sick. I am angry. I am sad. I don't know what to do as usual.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 04:20 pm
Izzie--

Hold your dominion.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 04:29 pm
Breathe....
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 04:34 pm
Thanku Noddy and Eva .... my crisis is just ongoing and I should be stronger. There will never be a fix to this.



Thoughts are with Brooke, her sister and family right now. I haven't prayed in a long time... only in my way from within and to something, but I don't know what - not what I used to believe in. Now I am praying for Brooke and her family...

my problems won't disappear for a very long time - all I can think of right now is hoping and praying that Kims babies will be alright.

Perspective.
0 Replies
 
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 04:36 pm
O, Iz-. Hoping and praying for you and for Brooke's family.
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Tai Chi
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Jul, 2008 05:33 pm
Izzie, I really have nothing helpful to add, but you're in my thoughts.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Jul, 2008 08:46 pm
Same here. You're in my thoughts every day izzie and Brooke. I haven't been around at all lately to know what's happening and I wish there was something I could do to help.

Hang in everyone and I'll do the same.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 06:39 am
Thanku.

Tough day today - needing to be away from everything and everyone here right now. Need space from the constant barrage of being nothing and having to make everything happen. Pants.


Monty - good to see you - yep - keep strong girl - we made a deal - we gotta stick to it yeah! x
0 Replies
 
urs53
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2008 02:39 pm
(((((Izzie)))))
0 Replies
 
 

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