On the edge and toppling off....

<pats two heads>

Go girl go!






smoked trout pate on cream crackers with a pale ale

mmmmmmm

IMA GO, GO, GOING










(just a tad excited today! )

Izzie!

Woman of New Beginnings!

Hey Everyone

First up - as most of you know... I'm IN!

Tired, but happy to be here.

Energy levels have dissipated to a ....... bleugh now. So I'm starting on paperwork and leaving the boxes left for a while. Only a few left so not too bad.

It's all been good other than not having a router for my internet connection - so am limited on that for the moment.

Unfortunately today... The HOUSE where R is has changed the rules again... they sent in the new kid on the block (staff) whom R does not trust or know - to tell him that he is no longer allowed the laptop in the evenings... limited 2 hour window. Therefore he has to do an activity with adult staff or watch TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Naturally, after 5 months of being allowed a laptop in the evenings to communicate with his peers - to pull it now... the insconsistency is back. Similar to pulling his freetime during the week which they say he never had.... which he did!

We have a big meeting tomorrow. Another one. I'm tired. I'm sick of them not bloody listening ... or pretending to listen and then changing the rules...

result of today... R cutting himself again.

Funny thing is... I phoned one of the Directors of the organisation... said meltdown was occuring and the new staff member was in danger along with R - I was on the end of the phone with R when this was all going down.... I said they needed to call the House immediately to find out what was happening...

I just phoned the House back again (this was happening an hour ago) - the Director had not even called the new kid.... yep, guess what... they sent in one of the old staff members from his previous house.

What are they trying to do...??????

I have to back the organisation up when I talk with R on the phone, and then I have to back R up when I talk (used loosely at this point) to the idiots at the organisation.

No win no win....

oooooooooooooooooh - big sigh....





on the upside... all is fine at new Chez Izzie.... kinda feels crap being happy tho when all about my son is pain and hurt. It's all he seems to know being in care.


Gotta sign off again as this ties up the phone line.

OH Iz...I am so sorry. You do not need to feel guilty though. You are doing all you can for R. I know that as a Mom that is impossible though. It has to weigh heavy on you. Do take joy in what you can though...that is not taking anything away from R. It is good and right that you should be happy in your new place...you have S with you and I am pretty sure that is how you stay strong is counting your blessings. You are indeed an encouragement and someone I think of when I think things are going south here. Hugs to you sweety...

I hope you didn't move that wardrobe.

Missyxx

Thanks Mis

I believe R is now calm. I haven't heard different in the last hour... and whilst I'm online... the phone can't ring. Maybe I should stay online a?

No hun, couldn't move the wardrobe!

Izzie--

Two steps forward, one step back.

At least "R" has appointed you his Defender Against Unfairness. This is progress.

Hold your dominion.

Hello folkses - I'm sorry - here we go again...

Well, back again. Haven't posted since the last meeting on Thursday coz it was all too much and had to snap the steel trap closed coz I couldn't deal with it. Now it's right here, right now and I have to deal.

Long and short, if that's possible.

Big meeting - risk assessment of R and the utterly despicable handling of the staff situation. On going in to the room - pretty much the first thing they said was… "do you want your son in care" "no, of course I don't" "you can always take him back, he's on a Section 20 voluntary care placement - your choice"

So, in other words - shutup complaining, we're all very sorry at the way it was handled, peoples knuckles have been rapped - so….. now what…

Plan was to come up with a viable plan!!!!!!!!

Result was… everyone, including ex-hub (who told everyone he will NOT ever have R come back to sleep in his house) and my Mom - agreed that R is to be allowed alternate weekend stayovers at my parents, and the alternate weekends have freetime from 1.30pm - 9.30pm on Sat and Sun - but must return to The House on Sat nites. This is to………… dunno! I disagreed with it - but as R won't stay with me (and boy, if you could only hear the answer machine messages right now) - his hatred is immense, then I had to go along with it. It didn't sit right. I shutdown. Anyway - the care plan was written up. I said he should be given the option at weekends to stay with me - what they don't seem to understand is R will never come back to me if he is able to stay with my parents - my Mom is scared of him and he, though not misbehaving, is able to pretty much have his way when he is there. He has no reason to come back to me - I will enforce rules and if he doesn't like it - then I will call the House. But we don't stand a chance if my Mom allows him to run the show in their house. Do you see what I mean?

Then Mom and I had a huge row yesterday and I couldn't keep in any longer. She does the guilt trip with me all the time - completely unintentionally - but still, she does it. She's always saying - R did this that or the other, this is huge responsibility, he upset me by saying such and such, he eats me out of house and home, I'm tired and your father and I need to have our own life…….. and what - I am not asking, nor have I asked her to take responsibility for R - in fact I have time and time again said that he is my son and I make the decisions…… but nope, not any more - not for a long time now - she goes against what I say and does it her way. Don't get me wrong, it is all GOOD INTENTION! But she doesn't see what she is doing - she's enabling R but not for his benefit. Then yesterday she said, "well, if he wasn't with me you wouldn't see him at all, I did manage to get him over here for 15 mins the other day"……….. and doesn't get why that makes me furious. Maybe you all won't get it either - maybe I am being wholly unreasonable - maybe he should never see me - after all, I did agree to him going into care. Backup - I don't feel it from my folks, my ex… R won't choose to come to me now because I am the enemy, Mom is his friend, my ex doesn't want to know.

He's still my son, I love him, I don't actually NEED to see him, but I would like to, but only if it's because he chooses to because I am his Mom…. Not because my Mom will allow him to stay the weekend with her and then he is forced into coming over here and telling me he doesn't want to be here, coz it's not his home and I don't want him.

Oh, I dunno if I am making any sense at all.

So… today - smack! R was not supposed to be told of the new arrangements until tomorrow. Yesterday I phoned social services and said I could not agree with the care plan. That I felt R should be given an option to stay with me on a Saturday nite… it's doubtful he will, and if he did it may all go horribly wrong, but I do not want him believing that I have refused to have him here. If he mucks up, then it would need to be reviewed again - he hasn't stayed with me since Dec 31st. If he knows he can't stay at his grandparents then maybe he will choose to come here and learn that there are rules in the home. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it's just a ridiculous notion. I don't know.

Anyway - today R has been told that his care plan has changed. He's not supposed to be told until tomorrow. It was to be handled by the Head of Operations at the company - with extra staff on hand. Nope… the new kid on the block has gone and told him something. Not sure what as I am not taking calls right now. I phoned social services, they said - oh no, he's not being told until tomorrow. Errrrrrm - wrong, again. The phone hasn't stopped ringing - so I have unplugged. I have to plug in again as I need to know what is going on… but I can't take his calls yet - because I don't know exactly what he has been told. Meanwhile, the ex has called me saying he has taken abusive calls ….. but the ex has just told R he won't talk to him until the Head of Ops has explained. Then, what do I intend to do about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So - I guess I will phone the house now…. And come back to you shortly when I have spoken to them.

Sorry - I am trying to be very calm and subjective…. HA! Fat bl**dy chance …

too long to check this over... will be back

Oh Izzie! Okay sister...stand firm..you are right in all you said. You do what you know is best and I will be thinking about you and praying for strength and that R will soon see how much you love him and want what's best. Oh hon...so sorry.

((Izzie))

K - well, it's done.

They screwed up royally. Social Services have confirmed R was told his care plan had changed - and gave him the incorrect information. R is in total meltdown. Extra staff have been called in and he is "surrounded" - R's world has just been tipped upside down, without any forethought - and his brain will be processing quite unimaginable thoughts. He will not understand this. He will not process it rationally. He will hurt himself. This is what the inept care system does - the system stinks. Nobody listens. Why don't they ever listen.

The agreed plan was for him to be told tomorrow with everything fully explained and with sweeteners on the plan to help him cope, with the revised plan of giving him the option every other weekend to come here and allowing him freetime during the week too. The staff member who told him…. the same one who told him about having the laptop removed has told social services "I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to tell him". The staff member has been there 2 weeks - he doesn't know R, R doesn't trust nor like him.

Social services are as horrified as me…. I don't think that is entirely possible. Their ass is on the line here - and they know it. That doesn't help my son in any way, shape or form right now. I have no idea what he is going to do.

Social services have agreed that the placement is not working and will have to pursue another placement. We asked at the meeting for R to be placed in the town where his grandparents and father are - where R's peers are. They said they didn't think it would be possible. They have little choice now - they are going to have to find somewhere else. I went through this when R was 13, then 2 years ago - R was 14 then and had tried to hang himself. R is soon to turn 16. Legally, he can walk out of care in 2 months, which they know he will do if he stays where he is. They have 2 months to get him a new placement so that he will not end up on the streets…. or do damage to his father or I. This is not just an angry teenager, this is a teenager with autism who has no understanding of the "real" world. He does not comprehend in the way we do. He does not "process" in the way we do.

Social services say they cannot believe this has happened after everything that was said and after everyone was in agreement about how the previous information was given to R. A formal investigation will proceed as of tomorrow. Being able to say "I told you so" to the authorities really makes it no better at all.


TOO LATE AGAIN!

Meanwhile, my head hurts, my heart hurts and I am that angry that I cannot stop shaking. I am soooooooooooo angry. It's not a good feeling. I am so angry.

Will tomorrow come for R… who the hell knows. This is not a drama - it's a fact. It's his reality. It's my reality. It's his family's reality.

Social services finally agree with that sentiment. They said "sorry"!

Is here, Izzie. At work.......but here, none-the-less. Feeling a little helpless. I'm just really sorry.

Keep talking.

Luv u
xoxo

((((( Izzie )))))[/size]

R has superficially cut both wrists. He doesn't require hospital attention at this point. He has threatened them with a metal bar so they had to withdraw and stuff is smashed.

I just typed a real long post…. And lost it all… maybe a good thing

So..

Staff member had not been told not to tell R. Gave him wrong info. R is calm at this exact moment and has apparently apologised for threatening the staff. He is now alone in his flat.

Have told them it has just started. Once R processes - it will get worse.

I'm calm too - stopped shaking - but have a rage inside me that is gonna spill out in some form I think. I can't even cry.

Last nite R sat on his cpu at the house and me here - we called up a website as he wanted to buy his girlfriend (who of course is not his girlfriend coz he can't admit that - bless) a ring for her birthday on Thursday. We chose one and I said I would ensure he had the money to go get it tomorrow and he would be able to give it to her on Thursday evening. I just don't know what is going to happen now.,,, or later… or tomorrow.

Why?

Why is this happening?

When does it stop?

What can I do?

I have thought about bringing him home and taking the risk…. Do I do that to my younger son… is that going to help R, how big is the risk? I don't have any answers and I somehow have to find some. I don't have a magic black top hat I can pull something out of and make it all better. I can't put a plaster on it and give the situation a pill to take the hurt away. I just can't do anything - but sit and wait. It's just all pants. Here in my happy home. It doesn't feel right that I should be happy. I know - think rationally - at the moment, I just feel sick.

It's funny really - you just know something is going to happen - it's like you can see the train heading in your direction and you can't get off the track. Then at the last minute you get dragged back off…. But it just keeps happening - like a recurring nightmare. I imagine that is what it is like to R - in a different way - his is more painful - I can make choices about my future - he doesn't have that ability at this time. His head is probably exploding right now…

I don't want to be a drama queen here... it's how I feel. This whole thing is cr*p. This is my son's life - not a soap opera, not a thesis for autism and it's difficulties, not a "case" for social services.... it's my kids bloody life - and it shouldn't be on a knife-edge still. It should be easier now. This shouldn't keep happening.

Sh!t my head hurts too.

Izzie--

Oh. My.

One day at a time. Can you survive one day at a time?

I'm sure the turmoil of your move--which erases "R's" imaginary options for going home again--is playing a part in his chaos. He can create chaos, can't he?

One day at a time.

Hey, sweetie -- I didn't realize that tomorrow with a plan became today as a total dust-up until now.

Keep talking.


Keep breathing.

We are listening and hearing you...my heart hurts for you hun.

Thanku...

R is now quiet and calm - then ranting and raving. mmmmmm not sure what's next!

I just rang the staff - duty manager answered - never even heard of her and new kid on the block there mmmmm well, they'll have no idea what to do or say then if it all goes up in the air. I say "this is ryan's mom" they say, "WHO!" sure fire way of setting the conversation off on a roll!

I must be polite
I must be polite
I must be polite

I am polite!

They say the cuts aren't too serious! No comment really!

Little fella due back any minute

Head still hurts

Might have to get the hoover out - don't like all the bits on the carpet right now! Yep - gonna hoover!

Scrubbing the tub always helps me...sounds crazy...something about that motion just kind of chases all the other thoughts away. I can see where vacuuming would help :wink: (((IZZIE)))

I'm bringing tea for when you're done with Hoover.

My carpet is hoovered. Tea is good right now.

Little fella home - Sports Day is now on Thursday. I am seeing the consultant on Thursday! He said he expected his Dad not to be there... but me.... horror and indignation and tears.

The phone is now unplugged again.

Spoke to R - he is cutting again right now. Whilst he was talking to me. Doesn't bear repeating - I can shut off from the words - I have got used to them - I just can't shut off from his pain.

Two separate lots of visitors showed up - two new neighbours from the village - friendly folk here. Got my Eleanor Rigby out of the jar by the door and put my social smile on. Hey ho!

Going to go and sit by the river for 10mins and try and clear my head. Wish it would stop hurting - my head. Contemplating my navel may calm my racing thoughts. Its a lovely evening, bats will be out soon. Need some peace.

It's all b*llocks really - 'scuse my language - I love saying the word really really loud. I have to be quiet with the little fella - no cuss words.