On the edge and toppling off....

{{{{{ Izzie }}}}}

Sits down beside JPB and listens.

If only life was such that you could bear someone else's pain...I really don't think you'd have any. Or not near as much.

xoxox

You're the best, Izzie

Oh thanku peeps...

gonna plug the phone back in now - nearly 10pm - should be quiet... gonna call the House and see what's what. Headhurt is easing up a little - took some heavy duties and they appear to be doing the trick.

Sat by the river - damn, it's pretty out there. Am so blessed really. Need to keep sitting there and keep the "hope". Watching water is calming. Drinking tea is good. So, putting on the kettle on before I make the call....

weird how I'm writing down what I am doing...guess it's my way of sifting through the crap really - gotta quit thinking - that's a fools game - well, for tonite anyways.

You know - it's strange how things happen. I mean really strange. Like the last night in my house.... things happen.... I'm gonna go post on the ship in a moment...

kinda comes back to the "If"

'if' by rudyard kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)



I don't want to think about what has happened with R tonite.... not now. Strange things happen that pull me back up, and give me hope. A simple thing like someone sending you a hug - for no reason - just because...

music that makes you "feel" and breathe...

kind words and thoughts... and prayers from friends when my belief is not all as it was for the last few years...

and a phone call - from someone I knew 20 years ago - which has lifted my spirit - when I just spoke for the last ... i dunno ... 20, maybe 30 minutes - I don't know how long we were talking... when I heard about the last 20 years of his life, and went through mine... well, I had a lotta good stuff happen too.... right, it's cr*p again right now, yep, R has hurt himself again tonight...

but out of somewhere, out of nowhere - and with a little help from my friends .... my head is all of a sudden "clear"

whatever happens tomorrow - will happen... I gotta be strong to deal with it... so, starting right now...

Isn't that strange?

If you went to the river and if it wasn't quiet and if you were alone and if you could holler just a little ...

you'd know that you've got friends hollering along with you.

(((( Izzie and R and the little fella ))))

Thinking of you and sending you heaps of vibes Izzie. xox

Thanks, Dutchy. (I did not want to be the only male.)

Keep Posting Your Thoughts, Izzie!

You have a lot of friends here who want to help.

((((((IZZIE)))))))

Sympathy and rage, Izzie.
I wish there was someone higher up the pecking order who could take charge of monitoring your boy's care. I mean way high up the administrative food chain. But that might be a case of "be careful what you wish for". Wish I knew how to help.

Oh you lovely people -

Thanku all so much. I did not see any of these posts until this morning - but I thank you so so much.

I slept a little and on waking this morning, getting the little fella up to the next village and on the bus, and back home again - I then had to return to my bed. I am totally exhausted. I see the consultant immunologist tomorrow so I need him to kick the lupus into touch, straighten out my mis-shapen fingers and toes, fix my shoulder and make me whole.... HA .... it's OK, I am smiling - I am whole-ish, so I can deal with the rest of it. At least today.

So, have spoken to the House this morning, I do feel terribly sorry for the staff who have been put in such a tough position. I mean - for goodness sake - there are only 6 staff - R has his own team - the 7th wasn't replaced, the house manager is still off sick and they have a new temp. manager in, 2 of them are new (incl the new kid on the block who is struggling), 1 from R's previous placement who replaced his keyworker, 2 who have been there for a few months. And one of them is on nights.... so...... when they are not being trained or communicated with by management - then YESTERDAY happens - which it shouldn't.

It's a shambles really.

No-one on the ground has a clue what is going on. They are as dumbfounded about all this as I am. Management have not called me, or them...... and as yet I haven't heard from social services.

So... I am... contemplating again..... that sounds better than "waiting for kick off"........ I have no idea what is or isn't going to happen now... so i shall just have to deal with whatever it is as and when it comes.

We are getting R to focus on getting his girl (no no no - not a "girlfriend")her birthday present, which is where he is now, and he will see her and his peers tomorrow. To then return to the House at 9pm. I am hoping that this will be more important to him and the focus will be on that (which is quite heavy for him anyway) and that he isn't going to "process" in the next 24 hours the full force of yesterday - as it is he will be turning up with bandaged wrists and a cut on his neck. He has learned to hide the cuts well so, hopefully too, this will not become an issue.

So - I must go and do something - though I wish energy would be my friend and not elude me so often.

Perhaps 15 mins by the river - it is windy and sunny outside - maybe that will blow the cobwebs away and inject me with some inspiration - which appears to have deserted me this morning.

Thank you all so much for being here for me - you are all more real than anyone here in my real word - possibly coz I don't talk to anyone about it here..... but then, they only know the "black me that was" - HA - they would see the real me if they would only choose to look.... and see.

Oh Iz...that sounds sad and lonely - but - I am glad you know we are here for you. How I wish I was closer. I would bring my passle of children and you would certainly not have your mind on anything but what monkeys they are! I am not sure that would be a whole lot of help though :wink:

You know -- I get that way myself, feel all alone even though there are people all around. But it is because I think people don't like to hang out with people with problems. At least that is what we think. And truly some people don't. So we put on our happy face and pretend to be good. I don't think that is a bad thing. Sometimes pretending things are okay will actually give you strength to be okay a little longer though. But it is exhausting, and we need a break from it.

But I do believe thinking on the good things we have is a great thing. And I see you do that and you encourage me to do that. And I love that about you sweet lady. Thank you.

I have a lake down the street. I walk down to it and shoo away the geese...which sometimes chase me back but once I sit on the bench and listen to the wind on the water and the frogs and nature sounds, it does put me in a more peaceful place. It sharpens me actually - like you said - it clarifies things...cleans out the cobwebs.
I think it is a good idea.

Love you,
mis

Contemplation always helps, Izzie, and we can see from your posts that you do it well. I hope things get better.

Thanku both...

Oh Mis - my sadness is for R - but I am not sad about where or who I am, not any more. I do actually feel more complete than I have in the last 15 years or so - coz I have actually discovered again who I was, and who I choose to be now. Gosh, what a difference from six months ago!

And lonely - well, not really...I suppose I choose not to talk to people down here now - too many judgements from folk on placing R in care and the belief more in what they perceive to be the right way to parent, without ever having the facts or seeing the destruction of not only my childs mind, but our family and our home. Not R's responsibility - just the way it is. Small minded folk from small towns who pretty little worlds don't co-incide with mental health issues. But I can deal with that now - I couldn't then - so I guess I choose to look past them and focus more on the people entering my life, than those I am leaving behind.

Obviously family is different - my parents still live "black" - won't do that. On Monday I spoke out to my Mom - not to hurt her - but she fully admits she doesn't understand me. It's like she would be prefer me to be miserable and crying, than laughing if the bath overflows and the hall floor is clean. She does not understand how I can actually "have happiness" when to her, the house, the dream, the marriage, the whatever ... is all gone. What she doesn't realise is all the hopes and dreams are still there - just, its a different world now. The past is the past. No going back, no changing it, it just is... and was.

Only way forward is to step in that direction. Though I keep having the occasional stumble - I know I'm headed in the right direction. They choose to stand still - and that's their perogative. You know, the day I moved - they cried all day. When I picked the keys up to the new house and showed them as I walk towards them, my Mom burst into tears and my Dad walked away. HA! Unbelievable. Their dream ended..... but it wasn't their dream!!!!!! It wasn't their life. It was mine, and I chose to move on from it. That was my survival. I guess as much as they don't understand me, I don't understand them. Or my brother. Or the people I once knew in their town who walked away when R made his attempt on his life. They couldn't handle it - so they left me on my own. Now I know who is who, what is what and where I'm going. My parents did not back me two years ago when I needed them most - they believed at all costs you stay married.... I disappointed them by protecting myself. They disappointed me by not wanting me to protect myself. What's done is done. I am 43 - I will decide what is best for me - right or wrong - my mistakes if I make them. Much better than being someone elses mistake when waking up in the morning. For me, I did the right thing - for them, it wasn't what they had planned for me. No different I suppose in the way that I would R's life to be easier...... except my life was not easy in that situation and I could change it... and I did. My choice. I am 100% certain I made the right choice.

I don't have control over R - I cannot change it, I have to accept whatever happens by his hand and his choices, and nothing I do will be good enough for him... but I understand that now - so I do what I can to fight for his rights - be it right or wrong - it's all I can do.

The guilts of my happiness now aren't going to go away anytime soon - not until his life, or his understanding improves - BUT - I won't let it stop me from continuing to move forward. I suppose in some real obscure way, it will also never let me take what I have for granted. That may sound strange - but I know what I mean - I just can't express it well.

Anyhoo - the wonder of having a strong mind and an unco-operative body is that it allows me to ramble like I am doing, rather than putting things away and tidying up - however, my body is not going to play nice so.... rambling it is







..... oh I do talk rambling baloney a?

Oh Lizzie it is so pleasing to read the wonderful moral support you're getting from people all over the place, we all wish that we were living near you and are able to come and help you in person, alas wide oceans separate us. Just hang in there friend, one day and one step at the time, we'll be here in case you stumble, I promise. Take care sweetie, hugs from downunder. xox

It does not seem like rambling to me, Izzie. You are thinking things through in a complete way. It is refreshing to see someone do that.

I agree. Contemplation is good. Wallowing is not but you don't sound like you're wallowing you're too proactive and that's good. (Haven't been around the last couple of days so catching up.) Sending hugs from "across the pond".

Not baloney...good stuff Izzie. You are an encouragement. Thank you.

Izzie--

Theory is easy. Coping with unpalatable bits of reality over and over and over again is hard. Coping with unpalatable bits of reality when the Imps of Bureaucracy are pushing the stars into alignment against you and "R"....

Once more into the breach! Except you really don't want to Slay the Foe you want to find your missing child.

Practical suggestion about the Sports Day Schedule Conflict: Can you get your small and wistful son a cheap camera--perhaps one of those disposable ones?--and have him document the day for you? Would one of his teachers help?

Will your parents be attending?

Water is excellent therapy--and moving water is the best sort.

I'm doing some extra howling this month and I'll sing a few bars for your frustration tonight.

Hold your dominion.

Hey there all...

thanku!

well my body finally did move.... onto the floor and have spread papers out all over and have been filing paperwork!!!!! It was something... not much... but something. It's still ongoing!

R has been out and got the "present" for the girl... a silver ring! All is quiet. He is looking forward to seeing her and his peers tomorrow and is being picked up to return to the House, for the first Thursday nite in months, at 9pm. I hope he will be where he is supposed to. I won't know unitl 9.01pm tomorrow.

It has been an uneventful day in that NO-ONE from managment showed up at the House. NO-ONE phoned from management and social services left a message saying manangement were writing a report tonite to be emailed to everyone.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


OK - fine - R is quiet - I can stay quiet today - and I will wait for the report in writing.... and then I shall be a little louder. Energy.... I need energy. I so need some energy.

Noddy - fab idea about the camera. He has a little digital camera which he got for his birthday so I will ensure he has it with him tomorrow - gosh, I hadn't even thought of that. My parents are going on request from both his Dad and I - I do feel bad not going, but this is one appointment I must keep. It's been long enough in coming. Little fella did tell me tonite it was OK... but I know he's disappointed. No point feeling guilty tho - I can't change this appointment as I need to get my lupus under control here. Then I can be better for him too.

So, tomorrow came and went..... and tomorrow will come

phew...

Hugs!

Ooooooooooooof - exhausted!

All quiet with R - he will be seeing the birthday girl right now so I'm hoping all will go well. Got the minutes of the meeting last week from social services - HA - and sent an email to company of the House as no explanation has been forthcoming. No messages on the machine either. I'm still quiet at the moment... need to wait patiently for someone to do something...


I saw the consultant... I'm in a quandry. I don't think I can talk about it as yet, as I need to take stock and think it through... and I am too tired to do that right now.

It was a long appointment - he was good. He said he could see inside me... that I was raw - physically and emotionally. Sleep is an issue. I have instructions on what he wants me to do. Drugs to remain the same. Rheumatoid can be eased with meds - painkillers are a given. There is no cure for lupus. The prognosis is not rosy and it pisses me off so bad. I don't know what to think right now - and his suggestions are weighing heavily and I don't know what to do. I know he is good. I know what he says is right. But I have the mind of a 20 year old who wishes to do all the things I once I did - and a body and illness which saps me physically and eats away at my bones. I hate this disease.

I have to think...later. I want to talk - I have to go lie down for a while.

Oh.... have to see Occ Therapist and go to physiotherapy and hydrotherapy. So why does my head want to be running through fields and climbing mountains, sailing a ship and zip-wiring through the air. Just getting througn one day without total fatigue would be good right now.

Stamps feet, having tears and feeling cr*p. Gosh, it's been a long day.

On the up side - as I drove home...I was in a bit of a daze - had a bit of Robbie Williams playing... and clean forgot where I was living - the car automatically went round the roundabout and out onto the moors road - at which stage I heard lots of beeping - and as I went round the roundabout again - saw a very good friend of mine in his car, so we found somewhere to stop and had a really nice yabber. That was wonderful. Had I been thinking straight and gone to the right house - I would not have seen him. So, that was a bit happy. Silver linings and all that.

OK - tears stopped now. That was happy.

Sh!t - that was mega self pity... will be better once I have rested I think.