On the edge and toppling off....

Oh Izzie...I cannot believe this has happened. I know you have to feel helpless and frustrated to say the very least. The only thing I could think of is find another place that could accomodate him...but then you are talking about change there and that very well might not be an option. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I am sure some of our wiser women here will have better advice for you...but please know that I am thinking of you and sending comforting thoughts..praying it works out soon for you and that you get a break from this worry.

Hugs sweet lady....
Missy

I have just spoken to the one of the company managers. This decision was made last week. Social services to my knolwedge have not been informed. The psych was not informed until this morning. The house manager who I spoke to just now.... he lied to me. He said he had no idea why this was happening.

When R was kicking off a coupla months back - the time where he was in town and ended up in hospital etc. - the two men both put a request in to be transferred after that. At our last meeting here in this house - I asked the question would the staff be around... would they stay. I was assured they would be etc etc etc and no requests had been put it. The staff would not be moved or leaving.

R has settled down so well. He has started to come over to the town 4 times a week - out on his own with "friends" - not in any trouble, not doing anything wrong. He is respectful to staff (as any other teenager!) and has strong relationships with them - however, the company have now agreed the requests from 2 months ago - even tho the men in question do not feel the same way now.

Everyone has seen the massive change in him - they have all seen how he has turned it round and how much he has grown. Now.... we are back to the beginning again. The manager I have spoken to agrees with all this - but the decision has been made. They know that things are about to go wrong again, they say they understand what this is going to do to him. They say R is extremely distressed right now and do not know how they can console him.

I don't get it. I understand people leaving - after all - it is just a job! He's not their son. But now - after the complete turnaround he has made. The whole point of this setting is for R not to feel bad about himself - this feeling he has that they say they cannot work on for another 10 years about how everyone hates him - which is why he has the same consistent staff approach and all that - so that he is able to TRUST people - so that he can put his emotions on a more level playing field. He has done that, been doing it, been talking, been trusting..... now.... it all stops. AGAIN.

I've been told that another staff member left a while back - so he has a team of 6 - minus 2 = 4 - 4 staff, 24/7 seven days a week. No psychologists support coming in (he didnt know about the decision) and a kid who has just lost all his trust again.

I am just so beside myself I feel sick. I am trying so hard to think of something positive right now.

((((Izzie))))

I hear you hun....

ah, crap....

I remember you wondering about potential fallout from the last dust-up. It seems that the slow-turning wheels took their sweet time in deciding how this was going to play out, and in the meantime R regrouped and refocused and decided that the folks in his world would stick by him and.... improved.

I'm so sorry, Izzie, I know how much this tears you apart.


Is there anything left for you to do on this? Besides waiting to see how R will react longterm and being on pins and needles waiting for him to blow, that is? Is it all said and done or are there still calls and negotiations in the works?

Yes, yes, of course R will have to cope with people leaving, but his way of coping is on a different spectrum compared to your way, and your ex's way, and my way of coping . They don't know how to console him? umm... you don't need me to say it for you, but WTF? It would seem that those who best understand his coping mechanisms should have been onboard to support him through whatever transitions are needed. I know, I know -- it's easy to preach to the choir after the fact.

I have a great idea -- send me I's contact info and I'll show him some different emotions

So -- now what? What can be done to intercede on minimizing the impact on R? Will the 2 (3?) folks who have left be replaced or is it down to 4 staff for the long haul?

{{{{{ Izzie }}}}}

Keep talking, keep venting, keep being as emotional as you choose to be, and most importantly of all Keep Breathing!!!!

Hey girl keep going. We are all with you in thought, spirit and any other way girl. Things will sort of slot in place in their own way. You are tired, I know but look to yourself, you have done what you can and will continue to keep plugging away and keeping them all on their toes (sorry about that), for your son's sake.

Take care, am here X

Oh ****! Izzie, I'm so very sorry to hear this. This was the very last thing you and R needed and I can't even imagine your frustration!
I've been sitting here for about a half hour trying to come up with even a little bit of advice I can offer, but I'm coming up blank.
The only thing I can seem to offer is lots of hugs and love and I know that doesn't help you right now.
I'm wishing with all of me that this blows over quicky and R will surprise you all by being able to cope with his sitution.
This truly sucks and my heart is going out to you!

Venting is good. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does help a little, so keep on venting and we'll be here to help in any way we can.
I'll be checking in here often to see how you're doing.

You're a very strong woman that has already gotten through so much and you'll get through this as well, so hang in there Izzie.

Tons of love and hugs.

((((((((Izzie & R)))))))))

Izzie,

I am thinking of you and R and hoping things are much better by now.
I am sure change is so difficult for R. Most peole don't like change anyway. Everything has been going so well for quite sometime and then all of a sudden this. Please know that my heart goes out to you with much love. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Stay strong because you have come a long ways.

Hey all - thanku...

Had to get my head distracted yesterday so didn't post here.

Both ex and I have made separate complaints to Social Services now. They state that The House makes their own staffing arrangments and they do not have a say in it. However, our argument isn't about whether the staff leave - of course they can leave - but we are being told again the requests were not made by the individual staff - our complaint is the way in which this was done and where it leaves R now with new staff coming in.... which as yet haven't come in!!!!

It seems to us that at present - R has not got a tutor - therefore is doing "nothing" all day - so, they are giving him free time - drop him off in the town where my parents are.... without them telling us .... he turns up at my moms.....goes off, sees his mates.... does whatever... the staff then pick him up at 9pm! This has happened last week and Mon and Tues and is happening today and tomorrow and Friday he is on contact until Sunday.....


so.... just why is he placed in care????????????? Again... no-one to answer the questions or tell us where the future lies with R.

Anyhoo - off to hospital now to see the surgeon.

Catch up later!

Oh... this was my ex's email - which is good - with names out... he's pretty succinct and said what needed to be questioned at this time - mine was 6 pages of emotional crap So far, no-one from the company, despite our requests has called either of us back!

"Hello...

It is with some dismay that I discovered yesterday of the staffing changes at The House. I am writing to express my concerns and to protest to both of you in the strongest possible terms.

1. First of all, compared to several weeks ago, R is on a pretty even keel at the moment - he's calmer and has managed to turn himself around after a number of pretty serious conflicts with his family and staff at The House. I suspect that this has been partly due to more consistency on contact (with gandnparents taking on that primary role) and perhaps keeping at least R and I apart, but whatever the reason R deserves immense credit for turning things around. With that in mind, he will see the loss of H-staff and M-staff as yet again people he cares about jumping ship - just another two to add to a long lost of people who couldn't deal with R and that will hit him very hard indeed.

2. As you both know, I have continued to protest at the lack of therapeutic intervention in helping R with his issues - I have never bought fully into the idea of simply keeping him safe and under control as being good enough and is testament to all of our failure (as family and as professionals) to truly understand and help R. That said, if we do have a "Scaffolding" system in place as the best we can come up with and that requires consistency in terms of contact and support staff, then allowing the two staff who R has the strongest relationship with to depart after only 4 months is at best careless and at worst a serious neglect of your responsibility to R as care professionals.

3. I have had conflicting messages as to what caused H and M to depart - did they jump or were they pulled? At the end of the day I suppose it doesn't matter, but if it was at their request then it should have been handled better with appropriate transition and R's involvement in the process. If it was your decision in terms of The Company's requirements regarding other people in your care and the need to juggle staff resources, then I willl try to understand that but I need to hear how you intend caring appropriately for R moving forward. Simply allowing M and H to leave and replacing them with staff R doesn't really know is simply not good enough.

In conclusion, I feel a bit let down by both of you that this situation has arisen, particularly regarding the lack of consultation with R as to what was happening with M and H. As his father I have become used to being given lip service by professionals over the last 4 years so nothing surprises me any longer, but there is no excuse for operating like this with someone as vulnerable as R. Even if I have deliberately backed off from R at this time that is for both his benefit and mine and be assured that I still care passionately about his wellbeing now and in the future. I would suggest that you might want to re-think what has happened here and if it is too late to change the situation with M and H, at least take steps to ensure that something like this does not happen in another 4 months time.

Sincerely,"

oh doh

2 posts above - it's Thursday today - lost a day gotta laugh! doh doh doh!

I am lucky if I know what day it is Izzie...calendars - well...they are for organized people. :wink:

Good letter by your x. I am keeping you and R in my thoughts and prayers today. Hoping you see good things and not bad. Also for your visit to the hosp.

Take care sweet lady.

Catching up... good letter... sorry things have gone pear-shaped yet again. It sounds like at least it's thus far all potentiality with R -- that he's doing OK for now?

Ok, I take back my offer to drill I a new backside. His letter was well stated and to the point. Regardless of whether they respond best to short and concise or 6 pages of emotion, it remains to be seen that they will respond at all or that whatever response they give will be followed over time. It does seem that there is very little follow-through on instituting the care plan. What good does it do to establish such a plan that is intended to cover years of care if it's meaningless within months? I know -- I'm preaching to the choir again....

Deep breaths, MizIzz. Good luck at the surgeon's today. I hope you get some positive news.

Oh Izzie .... I'm afraid I have missed what's been going on with you the past few days. There's nothing I can really add to what's been said to you...except to let you know that I love ya, my friend.

Something my Mom has always said to me, comes to mind. And that's simply that while the pendulum of life has it's wild swings and must be met with darkness and light ...... let your heart and mind rest in knowing that things will and do get better. Albeit tough for you right now...just hold onto that belief.

((((((((((( Izzie ))))))))))

Thinking on the lines of what others are saying. That was a good letter and my thoughts are always with you.

((((((((((Izzie)))))))))))

Hey Hey

Thanks peeps - can feel the support and appreciate it so much.

Well, yep, credit where credit is due which is why I posted I's email, the "x" does do a good letter, and no matter how mad I am at him or infuriated with his approach to R - he is not me and he has to do it his way. He does love his son - he just couldn't live here, with us, as a family and keep it together - and I can't judge him on that - it wasn't easy on anyone. So - he has done his bit - I have done mine - it is actually official so Social Services have to act on it now - again, it's all after the fact....

so R...

Monday - get's up midday-ish, no tutor, goes into town on freetime in the afternoon, picked up by The House at 9pm

Tuesday - get's up late - told about staff leaving, cries - shuts down - no tutor - taken to my moms early afternoon and is picked up by The House at 9pm - does NOT sleep

Wednesday - no tutor - taken to my moms late afternoon and picked up at 9pm - does NOT sleep all nite

Thursday - no tutor - taken to my moms at 1pm - has no tutor tomorrow so is staying at my moms overnite.....

R has not slept since he was told about staff leaving... he is very very quiet

Mom has agreed to let him stay because we just don't see what the point in picking him up at 9pm - sitting in a flat ON HIS OWN and getting taken back to the town tomorrow is going to be of any benefit to him. At moms he may sleep - he has prescribed sleeping aids (unusual at his age) but I don't know if he is taking them....

NOW can anyone see how R is benefitting from "placement in care" at this point in time. The above pattern has been similar for a few weeks - the occasional 2 hour tutor session for education (ASDAN and COPE2) but she has been off sick on and off for ages!

(oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh - yer just know the fallout is going to come - just can't predict when! sorry - know that's negative but... )

mom - poor bloody mother, bless her, can cope with R like this (although she worries constantly) - but she shouldn't be caring for him in this way - they are nearly 70 (though you would never believe it) - yet - we don't know what else to do. If he doesn't stay there - he is literally ON HIS OWN in a flat in a city, no friends, staff he doesnt trust (he likes one female staff member left) and what... playstation all day, TV!!!! It's not quite right really methinks. It is down to him to engage - but he won't/can't - and they do what.... sit downstairs doing paperwork! MMMMMmm. The individual staff do try - they are good kind people who care about R - but he won't engage with them. Dunno - just not sure what to do here for the best. If there is anything to be done.

Sorry - not looking for answers here - just getting it out my head at the moment. My 6 pages of emotional bleugh about the "system" got me thinking - what else can they do....

what I want, obviously, is to have him home - that's not realistic - I have to work - he will be here - I will not benefit him or help him in that respect - it's a selfish need on my part - BUT - what is he gaining at the moment... Over and over again I have asked for him to be here, with support in the home - jeez, we have a 2 bed annexe on the house that care staff could have been accommodated in - Social Services refused - support does not get given in the HOME - WHY???? No point asking, already have, too many times to count - they WON'T do it.

oh mom has just called - she says he is silent - we worry more on silent than shouting.... he is obviously processing, that's why he won't sleep - oooooh - this is pants for him - it all churns around and he can't make head nor tail of it (bit like me a?) but he has no way... no constructive way to express it.

OK am rambling so gonna shut down for a while.

Will post later about the surgeon closing that steel trap for the moment and will deal with later - too much to think about!

House no bloody good news on that either - so won't talk about that for now!

however - I did drive a car today! That was a result.


(ooh - that all sounds miserable doesn't it - well, it isn't really - it's not been a bad day at all, it's just not been a day of good news)

Listening and hoping is all I can do, but I'm here Izzie. Vent whenever the need strikes and I'm all ears, shoulders and keeping everything crossed.

Warm thoughts and hugs to you.

Izzie

Are you still doing OK? I get concerned when we haven't heard from you for awhile.

INTENSE DISLIKES (would like to use the H@TE word here - but don't like the word!)

I dislike the fact my BigBoy has started cutting himself and has made threats against his life again tonite.
I dislike having to phone The House to tell them my son is cutting himself because they didn't know.
I dislike the phone call back to me telling me his arms are bleeding.
I dislike the fact the care system in this country stinks.
I dislike the fact that no-one from the management of The House has given me an explanation as to why they did what they did or how they are going to move forward.
I dislike having no control whatsoever in what happens from here on out.



I dislike having a disease that eats away my joints - that makes me feel like crap and gives me pain.
I dislike not being able to stir pasta in a saucepan because I cannot lift my arm.
I dislike the fact that as I get my mobility back I have a flare that renders me incapable of using my mobility and saps any energy I have.
I dislike not being able to put a fleece on because my shoulder damn well hurts.
I dislike doing something for an hour and then having to lie down for 3 to get over it.
I dislike wondering just how long I am gonna feel like this and knowing I may wake up and it could get worse or it may just have stopped.
I dislike not having a crystal ball on this issue.
I dislike having to pop so many pills that I rattle.
I dislike wallowing in self pity like I am doing and not being strong enough to deal with it right this minute.
I dislike crying and hiding in the bathroom so my little fella can't see me.
I dislike falling into a heap on Tulip when she walks into my kitchen and blubbing.
I dislike hearing my little fella say "mom, you need to lie down for a while, don't worry, I can look after myself".
I dislike not being able to have the energy to argue with him on that point.
I dislike not being able to get the lid off the milk bottle because my hands won't work.
I dislike not having moved yet and do not know whether it will or won't happen.
I dislike living in a house full of broken memories.
I dislike being on my own at the moment when I don't want to be on my own.




I love the fact I have people who care about me and want to help and do.
I love the fact that my little fella's smiling face is around.
I love the fact that my little fella has a lot to smile about.
I love the fact that I could be worse off than I really am.
I love the fact that I know I can turn it round most of the time.
I love the fact that I am currently sailing to Italy in a virtual world and I will be taking the helm when I'm ready.
I love the fact I have a beautiful bedroom and look out onto green and trees.
I love the fact I have the biggest king size bed ever.
I love the fact I have new memories to make in the future.
I love the fact I do have a future.
I love the fact that when I move, the new ChezIzzie will be mine and the kids.
I love the fact that my BigBoy came home on Sunday for an hour and really laughed.
I love the fact I have a laptop.
I love the fact that when I get emails from folks who are good and kind, it makes me smile.
I love the fact I can see the sky when I wake up
I love the fact I can get to feel the wind and rain on my face
I love the fact that I still have the ability to type.
I love the fact that tomorrow is another day and I will go to sleep believing it will be a better day.
I love the fact that having written this - I actually feel a whole heap better in my head.

I love the realisation that when I write those "I love" things - that actually it 'aint so bad. Phew.


So that's coco a?

Sorry…. Vent over …. DONE!

((((IZZIE))))

Counting your blessings is a wise thing. My heart hurts for you sweety...I am hoping this is all over and you are feeling better very soon.

misxxoo