On the edge and toppling off....

Hey Jodie

The church is really wonderful. It's so so tiny. It's one of those places that you go too and everytime you feel and see something different. I used to work at the school there and we went to the church for all the kiddies services - my kids had their Christmas plays, flute recitals, leavers services and all of those happy memories there. The emotions I feel inside this tiny country church are strange. It's a very emotional setting - just beautiful and steeped in history. Glad you enjoyed the photos - it's nice for folk to see what's it's like here.

Hope all is good with you and you are giving yourself time.... and breathing deep these days. Take Care.

OOOOH - my body can't move. Think someone attached me to a "swelling" machine last nite ....... everything is flaring! Hips, knees, hands and ankles. Did far too much packing yesterday. Peeps were supposed to moving in on Friday into the annexe so we had to get everything out and into the house - Mom did most of the "hard graft" whilst I put stuff in boxes to either chuck or pack. Then my buyers phoned last nite to say they were delaying for a week. Anyhooooo - they are now on their way over with all the family to do measuring and ..... stuff.....somehow I've gotta get out of bed and move. Oh Oh Oh -

not whinging.....in a lotta physical pain - but I guess it's a good pain - it's all happening even if the body won't cooperate. Moving date for me is now 1st May apparently!!!!!!! My vendor changed it on Tuesday as it was supposed to the 14th April....but his mortgage isn't sorted so....

Phone is ringing of the hook right now with R. Have just pulled all the plugs - not sure what else to do. Lots of verbal going on. He wants to go and stay over at my Moms - I said it couldnt happen this weekend. In a bit of a quandry here. He's not happy! He's pretty mad!

So...onto another day....

edit: have just spoken to The House staff - they are calling in the psych - they cannot engage him in anyway - he's been cutting and they haven't a clue what to do with him. Another manager is now on the way to house. I have to go and put my face on now as these folks will be here in 20 mins - my parents and little fella are downstairs..... ooooh ..... it's a bit bleuuuuuugh this very minute - hearts going like the clapppers!

BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

thinking....what's coming next

Slow deep breaths, Izzie.

Thanks hun.... breathing slow and deep

K - house buyer folks are out of the way - did what needed to be done. R is being R - gosh, this kid should be a lawyer - he's so darn clever with words. Not too sure what's about to happen..... just gonna have to wait - Friday is on the horizon - so........... we'll see

As for the body....useless 100lb of rubbish cells. The mind's intact (tho that's questionable at times ) but hey.....

it's all gonna be fine!

Izzie--


Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. If you can meditate fine-- but if you don't breathe you're in trouble.

I'm guessing that "R" is not particularly happy about your move from the house where he had such a miserable childhood with such unloving parents? Is he still zonked out on high dungeon and man-child rage or could he pick out beloved possessions and momentos?

You know that if you do it....

Good for not being buffaloed by his ranting. Think of it as purging rather than as communication. Once he gets rid of the bile, he'll have room for common sense--even wisdom.

As for your ameliorated aches, that's what a Glow of Virtue can do for you. Virtue is not only its own reward, it is a panacea.

Hold your dominion.

Yes, it all makes sense -- or at least as much sense as it can given the nature of this beast. Perspective? It may be impossible to put R's situation into a rational perspective because it's all so irrational. This shouldn't be the way life is but for R and those who love him it's oh so very real. I'm fully aware of the angst in waiting for "the call". There's no way to put that into perspective. You just wait and hope and cringe every time the phone rings. Day after day after day... Not much help in helping you gain perspective, I'm afraid. But I do understand and empathize and will sit, listen, talk, wait, console, hug, and anything else I can do.

hugs!

Thanku JPB

I guess the nature of the beast at the moment is.... should one "call" not come thru - then another "call" will.

The former is the one I never want to take. The latter is the call that tells me that either he's lost, found, hurt, fighting, cut, hospital, cell, etc or...back at The House. I don't see a positive scenario right now - and I am searching hard for it. It may well be all alright. But the experiences are escalating and they all know we're on real fine line here. He's a danger to himself in that his extreme nature and extreme lack of "brain engagement" just do not come together. Most kids, teenagers - all go thru it - he's the same in that respect - but his bigger picture is so "small" and his options so limited in how he follows thru. It's beyond what even the experts can handle and I HATE hearing them admit this now.

I don't want to hear that. I want them to find solutions - not give up. That's what's coming JPB - I can hear it... his Dad can hear it - we've heard it before - it's not right! Platitudes and holding hands up in the air. That won't help him. He needs a good "someone". Why isn't there "someone" who can help. This is R. He's not bad. He's a wonderful kid - why do they keep saying they have never seen anyone so complex. Why does he have to be a kid that no-one can help. He's just R. Why can't they do something?

See now, the tears have started. I don't want it to be this way. I don't want him not to have hope. I don't want someone else to give up on him. It's like a slow death, when you're told - there's nothing more to be done. Well, there must be. Don't tell me you don't know what to do - this is my son.

He does not have mental illness - he is not sick. There is no pill to fix this. There is no quick fix either. His brain is wired differently - it can't be re-wired. They need to tap into another wired-part to find a way to help him deal with "life" - surely there's someone who can do that.

I don't want him to be the child no-one can help anymore. They have to get it right. If they don't get it right, what happens to him? Where does that leave him?

He's just R. I just want my son not to hurt. I just want him to "live" - not just be exisiting. It's not much to ask is it? Just to want your child to wake up and go to sleep - without fear, without anxiety and without wanting it all to be over every day. It's what you want for everyone - for all the people you care about and love. With your kid tho - it's more than just a want.

(I know you understand)

edit: I know - don't do the WHYs, WHAT IFs, just concentrate on today. Trying hard to do that right now. Hour by hour. Day at a time.

Right, another miserable part of the waiting game is that it gives you too much time to speculate. There's no way to now what tomorrow will bring until today ends.

Breathe.

I'm sorry this is so difficult, Izzie. No advice, just reading and sympathizing.

Checking in to read, listen, keep company.

Thanku all...

Have spoken to the Social Services. Social…ha - right!

Points I'm making - making them well on the phone, but not on here….

R been there since February.

In total - 2 meetings with pysch and R. 1 training course with staff held in Jan.

R escalating. Psych called in on Monday (2nd visit)

No follow up with The House despite me insisting this was necessary. The House Manager just isn't "managing" - it's no good just apologising now. I have just asked Social Services who is accountable here. Mistakes are being made which place my son at risk. He places himself in danger, he doesn't need mistakes to be made which make his world more risky.

The staff are good. Good people. They are not the experts. They need the input from the Manager. The Manager needs the input from the "Mental Health Experts". These experts need to see R, assess, report, input, feedback. The last reports say "R can't deal with individual therapy right now" so therefore, the Psychs need to tell The Manager, The Manager needs to tell the Staff, the Staff then at least have a chance of helping R. The lack of communication is terrible - and it's meant to be R who has a "communication" problem.

That isn't happening. Social Services, who FUND this placement, sit back - listen - don't hear - move on to the next child.

Meanwhile - R who is not being abused, or hurt by others (yet), or doesn't have people who love and care for him, who has got a place to live, who doesn't have to beg for food or clothing, who isn't left in a gutter each nite….. R - who has "opportunities" and the opposite to the above - is put to the bottom of the pile because this is "his choice". Well - his actions are choices he makes…… but he didn't choose to be this way, and he can't control his understanding of the situation, and therefore - he's is just as much at risk as any other person. But he looks "normal" - other than the cuts he has, which are hidden - and now……. His "normality" is THAT COMPLEX that no-one knows what to do. How can that be?

Opportunities are there for him to "live" - but he isn't able to take them.

Sitting here - trying to distract……. Hamsters are spinning that damn fast that I'm dizzy.

keep talking, keep advocating, keep venting, and breathe.

It's just 7pm here - still light for another hour or so. The police haven't found him yet. The staff have been told he was spotted but disappeared again! The "someone" who R is scared of is known in the town - but this person - who is older than R - doesn't live in the town. We think this is who gave him the booze last week and is offereing R 2 X E-tabs for £5.00!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all a little "scary"! The police are doing what they can - but R could be anywhere. I sit and wait. I'm so naive about drugs and stuff - it's not a world I have ever known - I don't know what to think really. We don't think R has taken anything before - he doesn't get the opportunity ..... but now ..... well, it's all different now. And he's scared too. So far we believe he's said "NO" - but that doesn't stop them being put in something by someone else. Peer pressure and R. Remember R has not been with children or young adults for 2 years. He doesn't have "friends". He doesn't go to school. He's not street wise. He hasn't got a clue with normal "talk", leave alone any other kind of talk!!!!!!!!

The staff are worried. They knew yesterday how anxious he was. The police are worried. Social Services have all gone home for the day! They start work again on Monday!

I guess I just sit and wait.

No sightings. No nothing. Police are gonna call me. Dark now. The House staff are at The House. All just sitting and waiting now.

I'm distracting. My "second self" has come onboard the ship. That makes me so happy.

I don't know what else to do! It's going to be a long nite. Again.

It's early here. Plenty of time to sit and wait with you.

Thanku hun. It's been a long day already. Just no idea where, how, what....

Is communication with the police/House going more smoothly now?

There is little communication. I called the House, The House called the police, the police haven't seen him, the House call me, I wait.

The police are supposed to have called an hour after he goes missing. They don't. It's better they are looking for him, granted. It's been 9 hours now. Where is he? Who knows?

It's deja vu!

I just keep thinking..... you know, it's horrible thoughts. It's hard to keep positive. It will all probably just be fine.

But I can't stop the thoughts. Not since the call before. I don't want to hear those words again. I can't stop it. Or do anything about anything.

I just wonder what is going to happen. It's hard not to.

No-one knows anything.

Nearly 11pm - he was reported to the police at midday.

No-one has called me. I called The House. They called the Police. I have called the Police. Don't know what anyone is doing ...or can do.

The police haven't even spoken to me or his Dad. They said they will get someone to call me back.

What are we? NOTHING!

Why is that?

Am I supposed to go to bed and sleep and forget about it til the morning?