Izzie wrote:
This is my son - have I just accepted his "angst" and then I'm done with him. I couldn't ever be done with him like others have - he is my son. I won't be pushed around again in one of his extreme "hissy fits", I won't let him control me and I won't let him scare me. Is that acceptance of his black world and mine being totally separated now?
I guess it must be.
I don't want live in R's world and I won't. I don't want his dramas and tantrums. I just want to do plain sailing. That's where I am....
My "no regrets" policy... I regret saying this...
Izzie wrote:
I feel really sad but numb right now. But calm, accepting and .... dunno, just a bit like.... NEXT PLEASE .... what's next please ... bring it on .. let's be having the next thing and ... move on....
aaaand, where am I sailing to now...
That was a stupid thing to say. I don't want to be sailing into this. I don't know how to sail here.
Warm soft hugs, and ramble on as it hits you...
No manual to figure this crap out.
Rock
I've got a song in my head and I can't get the words of it and its really beginning to annoy me now...
why can't I think of the words. I want to sing the song.
Breathe. . . .
I have all night. . . .
Rock
No, not stupid... it's almost as though you knew there was more to come and more to respond/react to and then figure out next steps. You may have had a feeling then that The House wasn't an absolute solution without next things. What's next is still an unknown. It won't be answered tonight and probably not tomorrow.
We'll wait with you.
They have just called.
The police had to escort him in the ambulance. He's now been placed back into the care of the staff who are at the hopsital with him. The cut on his hand is very deep - they can't stop the bleeding - not sure if its' through to the bone so they are with him down at the X-ray department. They say (he has his favourite keyworker with him) that R has completely shut down - is totally unresponsive - like he's withdrawn completely inside himself. We've seen this happen before!
R is also touch sensitive. He also doesn't talk to doctors. They are the enemy. R's words:---> I gave birth to him this way, the doctors couldnt "FIX IT" - the doctors said he needed to be placed in care --->there's a vehemence against us which s quite strong!!!!!!!
The broke protocol tonite and called H, who is R's keyworker, from another house tin order to meet staff at the hopsital. R always responds to H. Knows him very well. H was moved, hand picked, to go with R from the previous placement. H was also the one who said "this is the reaons you are here on Friday"
He's just said to me..
"I have NEVER seen R like it before. He has gone beyond anything any of us have seen." He was describing the stuff that R did to himself, them and the flat is destroyed (too much detail and actually I have seen it however many times before...Thursday was "in control" - tonite -booze, anger and "no control" at all. Now he is mute. Won't utter a word to anyone. It's getting shadier here)
The 3 staff were asked by the police if they wanted to press charges against R for assualt etc - all 3 said NO - they do understand a certain amount a? They do actually care about him too. Locking him up will not help him deal with autism. The police said he could also be arrested for breach of the peace....
that's a laugh in itself.... the police dropped him off, we all had an incling of what MIGHT happen next, it happens, they get called back in - escalation.........and then "Breach of the Blooming Peace" Oh fer goodness sake. LOOK AT HIM. Was he safe to drop off when he was throwing punches at my ex? He told them he would try and leave again. They said they would take him to a "place of safety" and now....
who's winning here - NO ONE IS WINNING - EVERYONE IS STRUGGLING - NO-ONE IS SLEEPING - IT'S ACHING...
Meanwhile he's bleeding out and having xrays.
It's got a little turbulent tonite a? Bloody rough waters in this part of the world. It's getting a little dark round here and Ima snagging that one thread and its getting tighter and tighter...
They will call me back after the X-rays.
still here sitting and listening.
strange how the wierdist things pop into your head isn't...
we were yabbering about Icarus last nite - and here's me trying to reach for the stars saying "Anything Is Possible". I didn't expec to get there, jeez, I have my dreshed hitched in my knickers...
But I guess I'm flying a bit close the sun right now and the wings are melting. So grateful for the crew being their to give me a lifeline to the ship should I fall. Feel a big wave on its way though - it's coming... I can hear it crashing in the distance and and it's heading my way.
Why?
Izzie, my dear...
Why is the ultimately unfair question.
We rarely get that answer.
Warming up my cup, you...
RH
Fancy a Rich Tea Biscuit too....
Can't sleep til I know he's safe hun - but thanku....
Its nearly 5am - pill kicked in a while ago..
want to sleep.
If y'all need to go, pleaase do do your things. Really. I know how much you love and care for me. This could take an hour....or much longer - but I can't rest til I know he's not going to be operated on etc.
It may all be fine - they will call me and we'll take it from there, He'll settle if he's withdrawn - thats the darkest scariest place for him. I know he'll sleeps tho then I know my sleep won't turn black. Oh shoot - tabs kicking in bigtime.
Tablet has kicked in big and not focusing now....
K - R is on way back The House - very subdued - non responsive.
R's hand has being bandaged crompressed to try and stop the bleed Not sitiching - awqward. Bandage up. Back and the house. Hopin sleep will come soon. He's on 10 minute observations.
iT's 5.40am - getting light outsiide. They wont call me now til the morning unless anything happens.
K - guys I can't focus at all - I need to sleep. Please excuse any mistakes.
Thank you all for being here for me again. I couldnt do this without you. I mean that from my heart. Well you know that. Ican;t thank ya'll enough.
mame is right - you are all awesome. Your my lifeline - thanku everyone. Tomorrow - Tuesdy will be a better day.
Its getting lighter ouside - can just hear the dawn chours beginning.
I must sleep now.
Will explain to the crew tomorrow I couldnt do the ships log and make up for it somehow. Bells and rattles or something. Can't let the crew down.
WW-WOM Tulip did amazing today - I'm so incredibly proud of her,- I had S-boy here for they day all was good him after bein so sick. This played beautifuly.
So sorry, can't focus at all - eyes closing and typing blind..
Thanku so much everyone. I love you all, xxx Izzie
Thank all for holding my hand.
Nite Nite x
Tired..........................6am
sun rise shortly....
nite and THANKU EVERYONE as always x
Just keep rambling, Iz. We're here with you.
Izzie--
I hope you're sleeping and that your dreams are sweet.
Remember, "R" is seeking health and wholeness. He's fumbling. He has no rule book. He has no clear view of his destination. All he has to work with are imperfectly understood patterns, energy and determination.
His anger comes from love--he cares for you so much and you can't/won't fix him/fix the world.
I'm guessing your numbness right now comes from exhaustion and the decision to give "R" the problem of "R".
He's managed to educate a gaggle of social workers in the last week. They now know that patience and good will don't accomplish instant reform. I'm betting "R" has little tolerance for social pretense or untested axioms--especially when they are being applied personally.
Remember, he wants to heal. He's working in that direction.
Hold your dominion.
Izzie
Sorry you had a sleepless night. Hope you are sleeping and having sweet dreams now. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. How difficult it is to be a mother of course we want the best for our children.
Hang in there and know we are here for you.
Hey
Phone calls started early. Psychs now with R. House manager - holding up his hands. No idea which way to go. Say they will keep going. They have 5 months til R turns 16. Also said R could lose this placement.
Option: Lock-up.
The system............................I'm sure you can all probably imagine the expletives - so not necessary to put them.
Big long discussion about how they don't want to give up on him blah blah blah - but there's only so much they can do. True.
We said that, his residential school said that, BPHouse said that, TheHouse said that. Now what to do.
Should this happen to these children. They all recognise his difficulties now. Is it too late. This has to come from R - he has to take some responsibility and suffer the consequences! He has to pay for the damages, he has to see the bandages on his hand, he has to live with his family saying no contact, he has to live in care...... but ahem, he doesn't get it. He never has. He tells them he doesn't get it. Bigger picture does not exist. So, what - lock him up somewhere?
If ALL these professionals can't help - what will a lock up do? But hey, that's the system. Knew that a long time ago.
Feeling today.
Feeling low.
Psych is gonna call me, so they say.
He's upped the ante again.
Won't go into the black with him. Know I musn't do that. I'm in a grey zone right now. Little over 3 hours sleep - and can't sleep now. Tiredness makes everyone a little cranky I s'pose.
Chalies taken the kids to see ex-hub and the rest of the family. I think I'll go make some tea and throw some stuff into a box. Meant to be moving soon - talked to the lawyer this morning. Guess that's a start for the week.
Wish I could just get in the car and drive. That would be such a good feeling. Would love to go the beach right this minute and just sit and watch the waves. Have solicitors appointment tomorrow - signing all the deeds and documents for house and settlement. Charlie's taking me. That's a positive.
I'm glad she's there with you, Izzie. How long is she staying?
