Izzie
Hang in there and continue to be strong.
Ex-hub did it right.... who am I to judge?
He did the best he could tonite ... so that has to be right.
Ex loves his son, so much - just.... well, he's trying - can't do anymore than that ... he may do it differently to me ... neither of us is right or wrong. We just try. His "switch off" button flicks a little easier than mine. That's right for him. Neither of us wanted any of this. Now, we just get on with it, separately.
R's deterioration over the last few days, since Thursday, has had the "professionals" worried. They phoned me today saying "we don't know what else to do for him, we have tried everything, he's going backwards fast".....
thanks "professionals".... and you want me how to respond....?
I don't know what to tell them. I have no answers. I've tried to give them answers... all we get are more questions. There's no-one, no-one can seem to break thru. He's not fine. He's not just angry. He's clever - but he doesn't understand the way the world works. No-one can seem to help him. What's next. They said to me "we don't know what else to do for him!"
Ex and I have tried, so many people have tried - they see that the level of understanding for R is so far out that no-one knows how to help. Autism is ...... totally incomprehendable. Autism and a teenager - well - that's his life. He is suffering in his way - and he's angry too. Its black.
The House just called - he's been dropped off there. Their jobs done. The staff say he is completely out of it, crying, bruised up and bleeding - his head will hurt in the morning and his heart.
They are trying to deal and will call me back later.
How come I don't feel? I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I feel sick - I do feel that. But I'm not feeling.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Izzie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
keep talking.
They said a lot of things to me today.... like
We have tried everything, we try to engage him, we try to show him the direction, he pushes everyone and everything back - he's got an anger inside him for being placed in care that is beyond anything they have seen, the anger towards us (his parents and family) - they said his understanding is so little about his situation, his responsibility etc etc
They said to him today.... QUOTE
"R, you don't care about anyone except yourself at this time"
- they were so frustrated at what he was doing, verbally on the phone, and R can twist and turn everything - the Staff who said it to him, said to me that he had to try and get it through to R that he could not go around doing what he was doing.
They just don't know how to deal with him. I asked for this staff member to be chosen because, tho at times I find him to be quite patronising towards us, he is level headed and seems to be able to stand his ground with R - the no nonsense approach.
Now this guy, in this setting which is so rare over here, is pulling his hair out because they all see the downward turn again - but R is escalating. Not just because, like on Thursday, he was being a naughty teenager / 2year old having a hissy fit - BUT because they can't break thru into the part of his brain that doesn't function like ours.
R's brain is good - he's clever, funny, witty, wicked sense of humour - but it's ALL on his terms - and it can turn in a split second - he has a huge heart - but he hurts so much.
If they can't break through - where does that leave R?
THEY ASKED ME THAT!
I don't know. What happens then? I don't know.
Day at a time. Hour by hour. Minute by minute....
The guy said all this other stuff.... and I'm looking at Charlie and just said to the staff "You know, now you understand - this is the first day that you actually understand what we've been saying"
but where does that leave R? Who knows.
Head-hurt, heart hurt - and tomorrow - maybe all over again. Maybe not. Who knows. Just never know. Still haven't heard back from them.
Still not feeling - well I am - guess I'm getting a tad aaargh now. I'm not useful in the equation - none of it adds up and his life is so negative.
Where am I at with that? Numb - er....frustrated I spose...
Putting trust in people (which I actually don't have) to look after him and they are telling me, it's black... not even saying a positive today -
I DO POSITIVE
WHY CAN'T THEY
I NEED THEM TO DO POSITIVE
I recall a certain ramble that made a lot of sense to me when I read it.
http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3171622#3171622
He doesn't have overview, or maybe some, but incomplete, which could be worse... much less ability to discuss anyone's overview.
They at the House seem to me to be caring -
This is all horrendous for him and horrendous for you and ex, whatever your differences.
R is not happy.
Anger is back and he's going for it.
Just heard some "colourful" words describing me as he hollered when they were telling me what was going down.
Not sure they can prevent him from leaving. They can't touch him unless he attempts self harm or starts to damage. If he wants to leave - the law does not permit them to stop him. They are required to call the police again if he leaves.
Great, isn't it!
Safe.... nope - not yet - not 'til he's sleeping!
It's 2.30am here. I may be here a while. I'm so grateful you are here, but I don't wanna put it all on you guys - I shall just talk away and get it out of my head and out into cyberspace. The perspective is needed - I do still feel strong, I think.... oh, I dunno - dunno what to feel - just know I can't put my head down and fall asleep.
Oh - his keyworker said something to him on Friday... they have never said this to him before ... R kept saying "I shouldn't be here, I don't want to be here" - they were talking to him about what happened on Thursday - for the first time they said "What happened yesterday R is the reason you are here"
It's been going downhill since then.
Of course, they are right - we all know that - maybe R's reality now is kicking in bigtime - maybe he wants out! I just don't know.
I wish I knew. It's hard to "not watchover" him. I've stepped back. I'm lettings others deal. But they're telling me now THEY don't know how to do it.
So what do I do now?
I don't expect anything from anyone any longer. I used to do that. It's why we're where we're at. Can't be disappointed. Everyone tries. Can't expect others to do something that they are unable to understand themselves. They may be professionals. They may have all the qualifications. But they are telling me they don't know what to do.
I don't either.
Izzie, was R aware that Charlie and the kids were visiting today?
R didn't know about Charlie and the girls coming. He phoned earlier in the day and Charlie answered - he had already had the conversation with the house tho saying he wasn't going to go back...
He doesn't know the girls are here. He does know Charlie's here. That wouldn't bother him tho. If he knew J&A were here, and the little fella - OOOOH - we'd be in a whole different ball park then!!!!!!
It's like I'm looking at something from the outside now
I should be feeling it inside .... but I'm not
I'm on the outside looking into my son's life
I was doing that... I thought I was doing it quite well
then today, the figures all seem to change again... when I'm looking at them and stepping back from the dramas, they were gonna deal with it - and they are I suppose - but they've thrown something back out to me to deal with...
if they don't know how to deal with it, what happens next
I could just say, oh well - someone else will sort it out - and they would have to, and they will - but what else is there.
I remember before he went to The House - we had a "professionals meeting" - 11 of us I think, round a table - we asked them then, what happens if..... you know, last resort and all that...
They said - it won't get to that, this is a very unique setting - the profesional input will be there on a daily basis....
OK - well, we'll go with that then -
But have the goalposts been moved back by them now?
I wish they would phone me.
sheessh I talk a loada bleuuuugh
hardly a louda, hon. I wish they'd call you too. Is everyone else at your house still asleep?
OK So now they are not answering the phone at The House! Why aren't they picking up the darn phone. There's 2 staff there - if not more by now! Guess that means they are still dealing.
Charlie and the kids are all sleeping in the annexe tonight. The kids love to have their own house - they are so funny - I can picture them all sharing a flat together when they are older. J is 15 and R's best (only)friend, A is 13 and my little fella is 10. They are so so close. Charlie had a long drive today - so rather than the phone waking her throughout the nite, we thought it better she slept out there. She's gonna take the kids off early to "do", she know's I'm gonna need to lay in.
PHONE RING PLEASE.
R is on his way to hospital.
He has self harmed. Smashed glass and used.
The police were in attendance and he's now in the ambulance.
They say the paramedics say he's SAFE - I don't know how serious that is! or Isn't.
They should be at the hospital in 15 mins or so.... they said they would call me from there.
I'm actually in no-mans land right now.
More deep breaths...
They called, you are in the loop.
We are all here...
I don't know where I'm at.
I don't know where I'm at.
Going to make a cuppa I suppose.
Make it for at least two, girl...
Rock
Thanku - I'll make a pot.
Make a cup for me, too, Izz... just reading the last few pages - wow, you're a strong woman. And you have some wonderful support here. It's angst-y when this is your child and he's so messed up and you can't help... when you get calm and focussed on you again, let me know; I want to pm you some stuff that may very well help you.
You guys are so good to be here with her - it's awesome, in the truest sense of the word.
Please don't forget my honey and cream, now...
Hey ta Charlie, as well.
You OK, Izz?
RH
