On the edge and toppling off....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Izzie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

So sorry, hon. Sitting here in your room.

I've been sitting here for ages... just not sure what I was thinking, or maybe trying not to think

It's funny... someone asked me yesterday if anything ever gets me down. I said that there were plenty of things, life can be a can of worms but life was too short...or something like that. Me talking with my heart on my sleeve as usual.

I can honestly say my life is starting out...

I can honestly say I am happy with what's in front of ME and the little fella

I can honestly say this is who I am and who I choose to be

but every day there is just a little tiny slow bleed - which doesn't ever seem to heal - somedays it feels a wee bit better about R - sometimes I hardly notice, it's just like a pin prick - then days like to today, and last week and the years before - it feels like my hearts just draining of blood - where I just can't breathe -

then I just revert back to me being me again and get on with it as if it hasn't happened.

Is that what acceptance is? Is that the "acceptance" thing, the thing everyone has been saying I should be - you know the "accept what you can't change". Is that where I am now?

This is my son - have I just accepted his "angst" and then I'm done with him. I couldn't ever be done with him like others have - he is my son. I won't be pushed around again in one of his extreme "hissy fits", I won't let him control me and I won't let him scare me. Is that acceptance of his black world and mine being totally separated now?

I guess it must be.

I don't want live in R's world and I won't. I don't want his dramas and tantrums. I just want to do plain sailing. That's where I am.

I feel really sad but numb right now. But calm, accepting and .... dunno, just a bit like.... NEXT PLEASE .... what's next please ... bring it on .. let's be having the next thing and ... move on....

aaaand, where am I sailing to now...

Izzie--

You aren't abandoning your child. You're saving your energy for a time when you can do some good. Right now he is being a Teen Age Boy/Man with a few extra bells and whistles.

Right now you are not a useful part of his world.

Putting your life on hold won't hurry his maturation.

You are entitled to a life.

Hold your dominion.

True

Yep

Yep

Yep

Will do.

Complete agreement. Thanking you.

Done

Izzie,

Hun so sorry about what happened with your son. No way do you deserve that kind of treatment. Sounds like he just goes on a rampage when he doesn't like something. You are doing the right thing to be calm and stay strong. Be safe and know I am sending my love and blessing to you. Hugs!

Oh my.

Here's hoping that today's sailing has had quieter winds and gentler waves.

Izzie--

Your new-found detachment will make it easier for "R".

Do you remember the fairy story of the undutiful son who squanders his father's inheritance and then starts on his mother's widow's pension, even taking her jewels as presents for his gold digging fiancee?

Finally the fiancee demands her m-i-l's heart and the son cuts his mother's heart out and hastens to bring the bloody trophy to his beloved.

He trips and falls and the heart asks, "Oh. Did you hurt yourself, my son?"

I always found that an exceedingly stupid story--yet it was supposed to be a wonderful tribute to Mother Love.

****

Do you have weekend plans--besides winnowing and packing and winnowing and packing to the music of chain saws?

Hey folks....

Have my best friend and soulmate with me for a coupla days with the girls - they are my family and it is so good to hear the children laughing and playing. She is the dearest person in my life - we have known each since dot. We've spent the afternoon laying on the bed, with our duvets and haven't stopped talking and laughing. We have such good times together, even thru the hard times.

R has absconded again - police are out looking. I'm stepping back and allowing the staff and police to deal ...

Meanwhile

G&T coming up - very rare for me to have a drink... but... hey, Charlie's here

Cheers, Izzie! Enjoy the moment!

Izzie--

Enjoy yourself.

As for "R" he's feeling comspicuously rebellious. Eventually he'll run "towards" rather than away, but he's your son and he's going to make progress His Way.

Izzie,
Just enjoy yourself visiting with your friend. Life is just too short to get wrapped up with all the heartache that keeps us from having fun. Do you think your son is partly doing this for attention? He just needs to realize you have a life to. I know this is your son and you love him dearly but concetrate on Izzie for a change.

Hey folks....

Well, Charlie has gone to bed now - so I'm back in my room. We have talked and laughed for 9 hours solid - you'd think we'd be all talked out....

but no, we'll just pick up again in the morning and talk some more. Gosh, it's so good to have her here.

R is still missing. The "risk" has now been raised as they believe he has been give alcohol - the police called his mobile and he said he didn't know where he was and was incoherent. There's a lotta folk out looking for him... the staff know his edge is close after the last few days - he's been sinking lower. His mobile is either off or the battery has gone.

However, I am totally powerless in all this. So, will sit and wait it out and hope I hear something soon.

My ex-hub has been driving around looking for R. R saw the car, made a beeline for it, opened the door, thrown punches at ex-hub then kicked off the wing mirrors. The police are on the way. R is stood with a man who ex-hub says looks about 50-55 yrs old - R has bottle in hand!!!!!!!!!!! Not full. Is completely out of his head.

No idea who the man is.........

Where did he get the booze......?

Ex-hub driven off, parked up and can see the police arriving.

Oh.......its all a bit deja vu.

Kettle's now on.

You know, I'm not feeling anything. Is that weird? Is that wrong? I just don't feel anything.

Pullin up a chair, and settlin in with a bit O' tea meself...

RH

Gonna make myself another cup of decaf orange pekoe and keep you both company.

R is now in "police care"...

This means - as ex-hub approached - R lost the 0.0000001% control he had and tried to punch ex's lights out. Police have restrained him and put him on the ground. R has obviously been in problems - he's all cut up, very cold and wet (nasty weather tonite) - is totally off his face!

The guy who was with him, the police say they know him - he's had rough times and they believe he would have been just looking out for R. They say he is known to try and help out kids who look as tho they need help! I guess someone is watching over R.

The police say they can't tell us yet whether or not they will return him to The House. He is sooooooooooo angry - they say they may need to find him a "place of safety"

okkkkkkkkkkk - guess we'll wait and see then.

If the police have him - at least he should be safe now. Right?

Yep. That's right.

Deep Breaths, Positive thoughts...

The path is long and winding.

Hugs

Brewing more tea.

Izzie--

Sorry I can't keep vigil with you.

A swashbuckling career in this day and age is very difficult to manage--especially for the unsophisticated.

Save your strength. Can you spare some sympathy for your Ex? His intentions were good.

Hold your dominion.

Found an empty chair.