Foot Fusion - (Bunion/Rheumatoid/Lupus) - Plz someone know!

Hey folks....

Struggling a little today - had a terrible nite, broken dreams and nightmares - woke up feeling very heavy - just felt blue I'm afraid.

The pain is certainly bearable so that's not really a problem. Everything is such an effort but I know that's to be expected and it will get easier.

My little fella came and saw me - first time in nearly a week - he picked me beautiful mini daffodils from the garden and put them in a vase beside my bed. He sat outside the bathroom door whilst I had the best bath ever - always amusing when you're feet are hanging over the side . Made me eat a chicken salad whilst he was here - then brought up icecream cones with sprinkles. Put my music on and whilst he danced in the wheelchair, I danced on the bed. Bless him - he's 10 and is such a little angel.

My eldest son will not acknowledge me which I know is hurting me and I can't shake it. I don't talk to my family about it coz that upsets them too. He went over to my Mom's today - but won't even talk about me - "he doesn't have a mother - why should he care if I've had an operation". Oh well - can't do much about that - but it pains a little.

It is, again, a fabulous day outside - just had deer running through the paddock and my little guy was so excited. There is a huge buzzard in the tree that is just sitting there biding his time. It's amazing to see. My son has gone now so I may go and try to sit outside for a while and soak up the beauty around me.

Been yabbering with a friend online who always perks me up and makes me laugh and I have friend coming to visit thisavo which will be nice.

Shouldn't be, but just feeling blue - I guess.

Oh - just wanted to say too that really, the heel and height thing izzn't an issue for me in that respect. Heels gave me confidence - that's just a self esteem thing with me and something I need to work on - I am very comfortable with who I am inside - to me: age, size, colour, creed, thin, not thin, tall, short, educated, not educated, poor, rich, all those things and more - that's actually, to me, just window dressing - the only thing I look for in a person is if their heart smiles and who they are inside - not outside. I would hate to be that fickle. (very rarely use the "H" word - not in my vocabulary unless absolutely necessary)!

Whoever a person is - that's what's important. I've learned a lot over the last few years when our world with my big boy came tumbling down - especially with how people are judged and mistreated - even by people who say they are close to you. I found out, my family found out, the hard way, that when the window dressing izzn't as perfect as it should be - that so called friends fall by the wayside and go look for another window to dress that izzn't quite as "imperfect".

I hope never to judge another person or look at the outside of a person and form an opinion - in some ways that is why A2K is good - because you see more of a person in their words - than you would ever see if you look them up and down - if you see what I mean. (k - rambling again aren't I?)

So heels and height and all that - no worries.

Everyone who smiles inside is beautiful - that's all that matters.

Izzie,
You don't know me but I am so impressed with what a positive feeling you have after the surgery. I had bunion surgery not too long ago and I am just now beginning to wear flat shoes some I can't wear because of the swelling.

Hey Jodie

Know you well enough hun to know you're going through tough times too. Staying positive is the only way a? Hope things with hubby are getting easier these days. Been keeping an eye on your posts.

Won't be in shoes for a few months - the learning to walk again is gonna be a challenge. Not sure when the wire removal is going to happen - think in a few weeks - but think I go under general again for that. Or maybe they don't remove the whole wires - not sure yet. Certainly the big toe, now fused, looks straight. Don't think that little sucker is gonna be moving wayward again. Nerves are still causing a problem - but the meds are helping with that.

They also wired the left foot toe where the boutenniere deformity was - am going to decorate the toes shortly and post pics on my Yabber thread. Should bring a smile or two around the globe Thatsme - smiling inside.

Thanks for your concern - you keep your chin up too little lady. Here if you need to vent too.
x

Izzie, I read many of your posts. You are one amazing woman. I'll keep reading and feeling with you.

If that's rambling, Izzie, then ramble on -- it's music to my ears!

Izzie--

Left to yourself you're a natural woman of action. Fate and a team of surgeons have decreed a period of introspection for you--and you're out of practice for introspecting. Given your Type A orientation, I'm not one bit surprised that you're putting in overtime on insight--in the middle of the night! Really!

As for your older son: Love and hate are closely allied and he seems to be putting a lot of time and energy into Not Discussing you. Eventually he'll abandon illogical thought after breakfast, but meanwhile he's simply not Prince Charming, is he?

Your younger son is an angel lamb. You're a lucky woman.

Hold your dominion.

Hey urs53 - do you know I read your posts much earlier today, not long after I woke up, just to check on how you were doing - about the hysterectomy .............. I had just come on A2K at the time you were asking for advice so didn't feel I ought to post coz I didn't think I could be constructive at that time.

I had a hysterectomy when I was 34 - best decision I ever made (chronic endometriosis). I had been undergoing IVF and that is when it was discovered -pergonal injections blew up some mega choc cysts - had 2 laparatomies in 3 months, followed by IVF and, very fortunately, got pregnant; another laparotomy not long after that and then decided to have a hysterectomy (my little one was about 20 months old then) - best decision I ever made to be honest - hey, no mood swings (well only the normal crabby woman type when I stamp my feet about something), no cycles (other than bicycles), no pain whatsoever - HRT implants annually and never regretted the decision at all. That was 8ish years ago and never looked back. It was a big decision at the time - but definitely the right one. Again - to keep going through surgery after surgery (just like the feet episode) was not fair on the family.

I followed your posts too and was glad to see that you had recovered well and that BigDice was there to help you through. (Think he was as emotional as you just before and after - bless his heart).

Anyways - so glad you have recovered - going back to normal life is going to be very tiring - so take it easy - only do as much as you can - no martyring ok!

Izzie, thank you! I know I am lucky with just this one surgery all my life up to now and I'll turn 46 soon.

I am going back to work tomorrow and I do not intend to do more than I feel I can do. Thanks for pointing this out to me again. The same goes for you, you know... Take care!

Izzie,
Hope you are feeling better today and not feeling blue. Your ten year old coming to visit and getting flowers from the garden was very nice. Your other son not talking to you at the present time will pass no one can take the place of a mother. You did everything for him that you could. Don't blame yourself. He is just going through hard times.
Izzie, I am going through hard times myself just had bunion surgery not too long ago beginning to wear flat shoes still having problems with swelling but doing great. My husband is a heart patient but will not follow the doctor's orders. He is very stubborn and doesn't want to be told anything. I can not control what he eats because he will tell me he is going to eat what he wants. He should not have salt,watch the fat, should only have beef once a week. Has had bypass surgery two years ago and a few weeks ago had a stint put in. Sometimes I feel so stressed but I just have to think it is his body and if that's what he wants to do that is his decission. It is very difficult for me since I do love him very much.
I also have a son who is not very nice to me. He was OK until he got a wife and then things changed. She is for her family only. She has not called once since I had my bunion surgery and husband had the stint put in to see how we are doing. I have talked to my son though.
My 57 year old brother passed away in December and my best friend passed away last week with colon cancer. Somedays I feel like I can hardly function. Thanks for listening .

Hey Jodie

I know it's tough times for you and there doesn't seem that there is any light at the end of the tunnel. I have been listening to everything folk have been telling me and one of the things I have learned to say out loud.... is Park Up and Get Off The Treadmill.

I try not to think too hard all the time about what is in front of me - and going from day to day, often hour to hour, is sometimes the only way I get through. Thing is, you can't change folk - you can only change the way you react towards them and what they choose to do.

It's not easy especially when everything is racing around your mind at a million miles an hour and you just want it all to stop.

Your hubby is making choices - as is my eldest. It's their choices. We have to choose how we deal with that - because they WILL do it their way. It's the acceptance of what you can't control. Believe me - NOT EASY.

Keep the contact with your son as much as possible and let you daughter in law do her thing. That's her choice. As you say - no-one can take the place of a mother and you are the mother of your son.

I read about your brother and was so very sorry to hear it - but I wasnt aware of your best friend. My other thread describes what happened to a friend of mine a few weeks ago and a thread by his wife is on the board too these days. She is struggling bigtime. The advice there may be something that could help you. I don't contribute to that thread as it is her story.

Try and function just day to day - focus on your choices and how you can adapt your choices to what others do around you. And when it's all too much - Park Up for a while. I have found people on here who, even when everything around me is falling apart, can whisk me to a different world and make me laugh and sing out loud. Really. I will link my other thread to this - you may recognise yourself and hear the advice that others have been giving me.

It has made a huge difference to me. A2K folk helped me just as I was toppling off the edge, brought me back and showed me that life is worth living. Don't think they realise how much they have done for me....and though I am still a little on the edge at times I know they are there showing me the next foothold to take.

My Thread

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=110211&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

BlackTulips struggle is on this medical forum under death. Her thread is her own words and I know people are trying to help her as best they can.

Take care Jodie x

Goodmorning World

Oh my word - what a struggle I'm having today. Everything is such an effort - even just to get from point A to point B, the exertion required is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

Did manage to sleep a little (with sleeping tablets - but don't want to do that every nite). I get so exhausted but when it comes to laying down and shuteye - JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!

Have awoken today to another beautiful day - I just can't believe the weather here right now - it's amazing. Really would like to get out and about instead of being stuck inside.

I haven't seen Black Tulip for a while and that's really bothering me. We have txt each other but I'm going to phone her and try and get her to come over. She is really finding it tough and I desperately want to be there for her. I know - she has to want that too - but she finds it harder to ask for help. Anyways - will call her and see if she'll pop over and maybe make us a cuppa.

My big boy finally had his meltdown last night and it was a big one. I was expecting it - actually thought it would come a few days earlier - but last nite he went for it - paranoia hit in with him and he damaged a lot of stuff at his flat. He was on the phone to me hysterical and attempting to self harm so the carers had to step in and fully restrain. Jeeeeez - I hate that (another H word there I don't use often) when you can hear it all happening and then the phone goes dead.

I've kinda put my shields up to a certain degree now - I know there is absolutely nothing I can do - the care staff have to deal whilst I have to heal. It just pulls those heartstrings in all sorts of directions.

Oh gosh - not being so big and brave today am I - think the continual pain is beginning to get the better of me. My left foot - no worries. But my right - never seems to stop hurting . If you shake me I rattle - so many pills inside me. I am doing the deep breathing exercises and trying to have "calm" around me.... so just need to pick myself up a bit today.

Have got estate agents calling me left right and centre trying to get me to make a decision on the house. Could put a few choice words in about them.............. but won't. Guess they are just doing there jobs. Know I have to make a decision - and now - can't afford to lose the sale - but just don't see HOW I can move in less than 6 weeks. Just izzn't possible. Have a 7 bed house and 40 years worth of junk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And also don't have the settlement agreement with the ex. Oh gosh - what to do. Think the steel trap caught another leg and I am gnawing at the moment. Should be looking on the www for a place to live. Just...would rather not have to think about it. But I will - today - will do it when I finish up here.

My lovely boss, Ali, turned up yesterday and bought me the biggest bouquet of flowers from the school and the children. She is such a star and it was fab to see her. She's one of those people who is always genuinely smiling and just warms you inside. We make a great team and have got such huge plans for the school. We want to take an afternoon each week, get the kidlets to build a "cover" from willow, and make a firepit (our school is in the middle of nowhere so we have a lot of space for them to do this). Then once a week each class (our kidlets are age 4-11 - only 46 of them in our lovely school) will go into the cover, light a fire and we will show them a different form of education.

Communication with their peers but with the basics of nature surrounding them. Singing and just talking - just for a little time each week, but out of the confines of the school building. English, Science and Maths - heck - that's classroom stuff - we just want to give them a little more "natural" education. We also want to take them and do forestry skills - we all live in the country but kids these days know so little about taking care of themselves outside - so we plan to try and give them, and their parents, a back to basics. Should be so much fun and we think the children will benefit enormously. Children love this sort of stuff - so who knows a?

Oh - see there I go again. Rambling away and actually feeling less blue than I did when I started posting. That's a good sign.

So will wheelspin over my lovely red kettle now and make a T - and then call my friend and see if I can get her to drop by. Then onto the www and find me and my little boy a very much smaller and manageable house to live in. I hope.

Sorry for going on again.

Izzie, rambling is good for the soul, as you've noticed. We're here, we're listening, don't be sorry.

Izzie--

Not a cure for insomnia, but a bit of perspective:

http://discovermagazine.com/2007/dec/sleeping-like-a-hunter-gatherer

At least your older son wanted you to know that he was going over the edge. Children!

As for moving....

If worst comes to worst you can pack a couple of suitcases and put everything else in storage to be sorted at leisure. Is your Ex any good at domestic upheaval on the nitty-gritty physical level?

Obviously being confined to a wheel chair hasn't doomed you to live in uninteresting times.

Ugh, moving in the middle of all this?! You really are brave!

Thanku folks -

Gosh it was lovely outside last nite - 5am was the last look at my clock.

Read the info. you sent me Noddy - makes me think I should try a complete change to my sleeping arrangements - makes you think that sleeping on an oh so comfy bed with silence all around may be half the problem.

(Actually, to be honest - I know when I would be at mind-peace enough to sleep - but I don't know if it will ever be. If it's meant to be.....it will. Hopes and Dreams and all that.)

However,

As for the house move - OMGosh - Brave....... stupid methinks..... I have received umpteen calls from the estate agents and solicitors have been instructed today. They are saying 2 months now - we will get an early exchange of contracts so that money passes hands and then people don't normally pull out of the contract, then delay the completion date until I am fit enough to move. 2 months - still don't know how - but "Izzie'll Find A Way" is my middle name and I have a bunch of good folk I know will help me out.

So, as for the feet - huge pain going on at the moment - made an error of judgement last night - ended up unfortunately stubbing one of the wires coming out of my right foot - pain - well - torture more like and it's not easing up. The right foot is just so hot - painfully hot - like having a permanent heat pad wrapped around it - and throbs continuously even when up in the air. Hoping I haven't moved the bone - (doesn't feel too promising - will find out on Friday when I go back to hospital for x-ray and replaster). "That'll learn me" as we say down here. No worries tho - onwards and upwards.

Saw my friend yesterday - BlackTulip - it was so good to see her - hard to see her finding life so difficult - but we talked a lot. She had my little fella stay the nite with them last nite and they are all coming back over here later. It was just good to be able to see her. She's going to drive me, when I am able, and come and look at my proposed new house - my little guy hasn't seen it yet - so we'll make it a families affair. We'll be closer to her and the kids so that will be fab. Positive in everything.

Now - will see what's happening around the world and try and keep my brain in gear. Thanks for listening.

Izzie--

Your nerve pain must be horrendous. Does it throb the way a banged elbow throbs?

Well - kept me and my little fella amused for a while! Footsteps around the world a?

Question: WHY WHY WHY does it hurt so much more at nite? WHY are my feet so darn HOT?

Need a real whine and moan here.

oh ohh ohhh ohhhh ohhhhh.

K - that's that done.

No it's not....I can't even sit still. Just want to take all the bandages off and cut the cast. Oh fer goodness sake.

Trying to be big and brave here right now and really not succeeding. Went and sat outside for half and hour at 11.45pm - what a perfect nite for a moonlit walk. Going to post pics for the Howling Brigade. That'll keep me busy for a while.

OK - done now. Deep breathing exercises to commence shortly!

(certain the toots throb like a banged elbow..... would love to just stick them in a bucket of ice)

Your feet are hot because your blood is circulating double time, trying to carry away debris and speed healing.

You hurt more at night when you aren't distracted. Have you tried any deep breathing exercises?

I have tried deep breathing Noddy - calm, peaceful music, loud music, A2K threads.... have had visitors, been talking to folk on phone....

to be honest - I just wanna cry - it's hurting so bad and so darn hot. Gonna go and get my frozen sweetcorn and quorn again and stick them on my feet.

It's so sore I just am beside myself here. Can't get comfortable. Can't concentrate on anything and if I try and just lie here and try to take myself away from the pain - IT DOESN'T WORK!

So sorry for whining. Can't wait til they cut the plaster off tomorrow and take off the bandages...... just a few minutes of feet deep breathing!

Then new plaster!

Nerve pain is .......... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. Like needles shooting through.

Just venting...... VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT - can't bear to be like this

Oh, man. Sounds brutal, Izzie. Sorry you're going through all this.