Foot Fusion - (Bunion/Rheumatoid/Lupus) - Plz someone know!

Hoping someone can get my head sorted - (need a psych i reckon - and lotsa gin!!!!!!!!)

4 weeks today I will be in a hospital bed! Have chronic rheumatoid and already had 2 lotsa foot surgery where both feet have been reconstructed, tendons cut, pins put in blah blah blah. Have just turned 43 and on 12 Feb am having my right foot fused and k-wired (Stainsby procedure). My big toe on the right is nearly at 45 degrees under my second toe and there is no hope for it any more. It will be completely fused into position. The other 4 will be shortened by cutting the bones and shortening the toes, wires inserted through the end of the toes and held in place so they do not move. The right foot will never bend again. The left foot is going to be reconstructed again to prevent further soft tissue damage (already done but tendons need to be released again and the boutonniere deformities corrected).

My right foot will be in plaster for 8 weeks and I have been told that the learning to walk again - (which involves a different learning to walk again after reconstruction) is going to be a long process. Sometimes 6 months to a year. Thats if it all works and I don't start flaring and my lupus stays in check!

Having been through 2 lotsa surgery before (last one was 3 years ago), I know the pain involved. Pain i can cope with to a point - though I am a total wimp and morphine will play a large part as before. The recovery period was long and tiring but it did work and I would recommend it. Unfortunately, my rheumatoid doesn't play nice and decided that it would deal me another blow. So, now - the big surgery. Will be off work for 3-4 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question is: Has anyone had the complete fusion before. I saw my surgeon again yesterday to go through the options AGAIN. We discussed everything at length - he knows I don't want to do this but the upheaval to my children and family etc, work etc - he knows that I will eventually have to have the foot fused and to reconstruct again really isn't an option - I know hes right but had to ask again. I trust him implicitly and though I knew this was coming - I still cannot get my head around it.

I am not strong at the moment (am trying to recover from a break-up and not succeeding, have a disabled child who is unable to live with me because of his mental health difficulties - that's whole other story - and a little boy who will have to go live with his dad for a while). I am not in a good space and know I have to get strong. So, if there is anyone out there who has had this "final" surgery and can give me any information it would be good. I have asked around and I cant find anyone who has had this done.

Really hoping someone is out there that is in the know.

Thanku.

PS - even though it sounds stupid - the thought that I will never wear girl shoes again in my life is messing my head up. I'm a high heels girlie. I love to climb cliffs and jump over rock pools - I love to wear a ballgown and be cinderella - i know - it sounds stupid doesn't it - I cant imagine not wearing heels again and not having a foot that bends.

Jeez - I am such a mess. So gotta get strong. At the mo, wanna sleep and just continue to sleep. Then no more to deal with.

Yh Yh - I know - just gotta get on with it!