How do you say you don't enjoy the sex anymore?

Not to mention the reward of staying together...

I think it's worth a try just on your own but I do still think counseling is a good idea and may get you further, faster.

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Sozobe, words well spoken.

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MMS, I think it's us that could be twins Shocked

I also agree with Soz.

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That would be great Soz...except

mr. onyx is the sort that once someone *I* start doing something, or making it happen, it then becomes my responsibility, and when it slacks, slows down, or stops, it becomes my fault.

He knows I have a less than aggressive nature in bed, and it's the way I like it, for the most part, after having to be in control of so many other areas of my life.

I don't want to sound like I'm unwilling to assist in change, because I am. But what I need to happen is for him to acknowledge some responsibility in this and make his own effort to change without me having to do it for him.

I do too many things for him as it is, and I think I will probably cry if I have to add yet another thing as important as this, to the list of **** I have to do FOR him, in order to have peace for myself.

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i do not envy the thought of a marriage where everythings rosey and peaceful because I make it so.

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I get what you're saying. I think that's part of what people are referring to when they say it's not just about sex, too.

I know you started by saying that counseling is in the near future, so you already know that's a good idea... I really think that will be what helps you guys most. It's so difficult to get a feel for ALL of the important aspects of a situation via online communication.

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Onyxelle- Bottom line, a person can't turn a camel into a kangaroo, no matter how much that she wants to. All someone can do is change the way that she relates to the other person. In other words, you can lead a horse to water.....................etc., etc.

It sounds like you are very weary of relating a certain way with your husband. That is exactly what you need to explore with your therapist.

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Quote:

MMS, I think it's us that could be twins

So true, but we'd have to be triplets, we'd have to add SheWolf to the pack.... :wink:

[quote]i do not envy the thought of a marriage where everythings rosey and peaceful because I make it so. [/quote]

You're right, it's tiresome to no avail. But I think it becomes habit for some of us in situations to just swallow our pride and make nice so we can have that attempt at gaining peace at some point in our lives.

The first 15-17 years was no bed of roses in my marriage. Thats how I found A2K...lol, was seeking advice on how to handle the stranger I called a husband. I actually hated him at times!

Its only been the past 3 or 4 years that I've found peace within my marriage and a new best friend. And yes, we have lapses. There are times when I love to rip his throat out and set his hair on fire for all his stubborn pride and ego. But then I think, what would make me happier, a man that is a MAN and acts like a MAN, or a man that I can control? I'd take that stubborn pride and male ego anyday...

But there has to be compromise........ and it takes two to do so....

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i don't want to control him, and i want for him to be a man, but i'm certain that doesn't mean it's incumbent upon me to make nice all the time. it just can't be, can it? we'll see, i'm trying to find counselor's # now.

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my sister says i should just suck it up and do what many women do and just accept it and move on.

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Quote:

i don't want to control him, and i want for him to be a man, but i'm certain that doesn't mean it's incumbent upon me to make nice all the time. it just can't be, can it? we'll see, i'm trying to find counselor's # now.

Good luck...........I hope it turns out well for you.

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onyxelle wrote:

i don't want to control him, and i want for him to be a man, but i'm certain that doesn't mean it's incumbent upon me to make nice all the time. it just can't be, can it?

No, not in general.

This comes up a lot, when I advise women OR men, and sometimes when people are watching just one exchange they thinking I'm coming down too hard on one or the other gender -- but it's equal opportunity, really.

If there is a problem, all you can ever do about it is change your own actions and/ or attitude. You can't force someone else to change. So you can take actions that are likely to help the situation; you can decide it doesn't matter; or you can decide that it's not worth the effort and leave.

That doesn't mean that the other person is RIGHT, or that they SHOULDN'T change -- may well be that it's 98% their fault. But it still comes down to, what can YOU, the person I'm advising, do about the situation?

The nice thing about counseling is that it'll be two of you. The person giving the advice will be able to advise not just you, but your husband.

Good luck.

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onyxelle wrote:

my sister says i should just suck it up and do what many women do and just accept it and move on.

if that means keeping quiet about what you want, that is a sad way to live...

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I don't agree with your sister, onyxelle. Why should we suck it up? Many women don't ever take care of themselves or start doing it very late in life.

You deserve to have what you want and need. That's all.

A counsellor will help you realize this, and it's from THAT starting point that you can make statements or decisions.

We teach people how to treat us. Don't let anybody treat you like you're second best. You're not. You should be No. 1 to you.

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I agree with shewolf and Mame. You deserve to be happy!

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Onyxelle--

You're not a woman to stray--but right now you are very vulnerable to being swept off your feet by a romantic stranger with a commanding presence and some bedroom expertese.

I suspect that while no romantic stranger has surfaced in your life, that you don't like the feeling of being vulnerable.

If it is important to you, don't suck it up. Go for change.

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Montana wrote:

aeroz wrote:
In response to the title of the thread, you just say, "You're not getting any anymore...ever. Period. And in fact, I'm going to get it elsewhere."

That's got to be one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever heard!

Ok, well, if someone wants to continue having bad sex and continue to have a "lover" whom does not care one single ounce about their partner's happiness or needs, whom is threatening divorce, whom is passive-aggressive and manipulative...thats their decision.

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Montana wrote:

aeroz wrote:
I think he's being passive-aggressive; I'd drop him like a rock. Either that or his size is too small.

But either way, I'd drop him.

Ummmm....This is her husband! You know, the man she loves!

And the man whom apparently does not love her?

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makemeshiver33 wrote:

I get frustrated over something he's done.
He gets pissed for me calling his hand on it.
He turns it around on me, its all my fault, I'm crazy for thinking that way..etc.
I put my foot down, break it down little by little...
Boom, the next day, he's seeing things my way but it would take an act of congress to get him to admit it.
So...he trys to snuggle, pet...love on me because he knows I am right. Plus his male ego won't allow him to just say it outright...
Then, I call him on it again, make him admit I was right...he does, its overwith.

I didn't know men played mind games like that. How childish.

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aeroz wrote:

Montana wrote:
aeroz wrote:
I think he's being passive-aggressive; I'd drop him like a rock. Either that or his size is too small.

But either way, I'd drop him.

Ummmm....This is her husband! You know, the man she loves!

And the man whom apparently does not love her?

Well arn't you just Dr. Phil, Sue Johnson and Xavier Hollander rolled up in one. Where do you hang your shingle? Laughing

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How do you say you don't enjoy the sex anymore?

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