How do you say you don't enjoy the sex anymore?

In response to the title of the thread, you just say, "You're not getting any anymore...ever. Period. And in fact, I'm going to get it elsewhere."

Ummmm....This is her husband! You know, the man she loves!

That's got to be one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever heard!

I'm so glad you said that Montana, I was going to but didn't want to seem like I was refusing any 'advice' lol.

Update
Y'all remember the conversation we had about, that basically ended in him hinting that divorce was in order, because sexual incompatability was 'grounds' in court (a quote from him)?

Well....here's what happened yesterday (the day after)

Yesterday he acted like everything was just rosey.
Made a joke about sex last night as if were were having it regular and no problems existed.
Last night when he came to bed i felt him snuggle up to me and put his arms around me
I am so confused...

What's that all about? Is this normal behavior? Are his feelings hurt and he just isn't saying anything? Is this based on some thought that perhaps this is not a reason to divorce as he so easily put out there previously? Does this mean he's going to listen and put those actions he's not previously cared enough to keep up, into action??

I don't know what he's thinking but it sounds like this is about more than sex. For him to even joke about splitting up because of sex indicates something more to me. And we aren't even sure if he was joking.

I really think you should see someone.

Trust, respect, and consideration are key to any healthy relationship, and you're not getting all that. Why not? These are HIS issues, not yours, meaning this is the way HE is, not you. It's his problem and he'd probably be the same with any woman. So don't take it on as your stuff.

How long will you be content to live like this?

You need to communicate with him effectively about your needs and your feelings and if it goes nowhere, you have a decision to make. You are worth it.

You have the right and the expectation to be treated respectfully and lovingly. Why would anyone think sex is all about their needs and not the other person's? It takes two, so both should be gratified. Ditto for the rest of the relationship.

A counsellor will really help you straighten this out.

You are worth the time and effort.

Did he snuggle up and fall asleep or was he trying to get a response?

Did you ask him what that was about?

Could be he just wanted to hold you. Maybe he was trying to apologize, was feeling guilty...

Could be he was being manipulative. Given his previous claim of lack of sex being grounds for divorce, maybe he's keeping records of when he "asks" and you "refuse" / don't respond.

Can you ask him what it was about?

I am definitely going to ask him what it was all about when I see him home after work today.

And counseling is in the near future, extreme near and hopefully before christmas comes around.

I tell ya...

just get up and leave if he isnt doing it right.


IT. WORKS.

IMO, bad sex is usually the symptom, and not the cause of much marital unhappiness.

Onyx- I think that counselling is a wise move on your part.

I think onyx is seeking an excuse for all those charges at "Dave's House of Dildoes" on her MasterCard.

Geesh hon, no excuse needed! Go for it!

(I do wish you luck - every long term relationship seems to run into this issue along the way).

Good sex is only 1% of a relationship

Bad sex is 99%

lol i never thought of it that way shewolf, but you're probably right...certainly seems so.

Well yeah.

If the sex is good for everyone, you dont stress about it and other issues can be delt with.

When the sex is bad, EVERYTHING else seems worse as well.

Shewolfnm- Very true. But my point is that bad sex (unless someone is totally inept) is usually the expression of a deeper interpersonal problem.

I agree. The caring and respect aren't there, so what's left? Usually familiarity and you know what that does.

It's not that black & white in all situations, but to me lack of caring & respect is a big red flag.

[quote]Y'all remember the conversation we had about, that basically ended in him hinting that divorce was in order, because sexual incompatability was 'grounds' in court (a quote from him)?

Well....here's what happened yesterday (the day after)

Yesterday he acted like everything was just rosey.
Made a joke about sex last night as if were were having it regular and no problems existed.
Last night when he came to bed i felt him snuggle up to me and put his arms around me
I am so confused... [/quote]

Yep, he's guilty. He knows what he said was very out of line to you. The problem is in his lack of ability to perform and please you, you called him on it, and he compared you to other women.

Wrong on his part, and he knows it. This just tells me he's been thinking about what he said, he knows he hurt you...and some men just can't apologize for anything! So this is their way of trying to make it better...."I'll snuggle her up, try to make nice and things will go back to normal." Basically, you'd soon just drop the idea of being unhappy in bed and let it go. (his thinking) Besides, when you complain about a mans bedroom antics, this is a big strike to the ego....they are going to lash back.

[quote]What's that all about? Is this normal behavior? Are his feelings hurt and he just isn't saying anything? Is this based on some thought that perhaps this is not a reason to divorce as he so easily put out there previously? Does this mean he's going to listen and put those actions he's not previously cared enough to keep up, into action?? [/quote]

Read above reference...lol

Been there done that also. Him and my husband could be twins!

This is the way things go down in my world.

I get frustrated over something he's done.
He gets pissed for me calling his hand on it.
He turns it around on me, its all my fault, I'm crazy for thinking that way..etc.
I put my foot down, break it down little by little...
Boom, the next day, he's seeing things my way but it would take an act of congress to get him to admit it.
So...he trys to snuggle, pet...love on me because he knows I am right. Plus his male ego won't allow him to just say it outright...
Then, I call him on it again, make him admit I was right...he does, its overwith.

Sound familiar?

It's a cycle, just as you mentioned. He'll then begin to see things your way, do as you want....then they slip off the wagon so to speak....for it all to start over again.

*sigh*

Oxynelle, I'm not trying to be matter-of-fact in a bad way. I just really want you to know there are a few of us that has been through this too(which I know you know that) and that we understand your frustration.

I went ahead and asked for more details via PM 'cause I was having a hard time figuring out exactly what the issue was, and onyxelle was very helpful, thanks.

I think I'm going to put my latest response here rather than via PM -- I think it doesn't require TMI.

I understand that you don't want to have to be in control of the process. But I think that if you want to try to fix things -- rather than just saying to him, "fix this," which obviously isn't working -- you're going to need to take more control. I think that can be temporary, as some things get absolutely, clearly, no-hinting and no-hoping established. I think once that happens -- including establishing the fact that you don't like having to be in control -- then there can be room for backing off from that. But I think there's a reward in it for both of you -- mutually satisfactory sex, and more of it -- that makes a concerted, ongoing, no-room-for-misinterpretation effort worth it.