My husband doesn't want to get rid of his woman friend

Fri 14 Sep, 2007 11:23 pm
My husband has befriended a woman who is the sister of his friend. She calls him often and sends him text messages to ask how he is doing or if he is working hard or to tell him she is bored. I told him I wasn't comfortable with her calling so much and he said there was no reason to be worried. The more she called, the more I would get angry at her because she knew I didn't like it and I would get angry at him for allowing it. Just recently, I finally exploded after asking nicely for months for him to tell her to stop calling and to call her own boyfriend when she was bored. He did call her with me present and told her I was having a problem with them talking and it wasn't him. He then thanked her for being understanding. When he hung up the phone he was very upset over what he just told her. He acted as though I just destroyed the best friendship of his life, but I thought that's what I was for. Was I wrong? Help!!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 115 • Views: 133,566 • Replies: 160
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Fri 14 Sep, 2007 11:56 pm
Are you nuckin futs? Get a grip, he's having a friendship/affair with this gal and he's not thinking of your feelings at all! Do not put up with this kind of abuse, and that's what it is, abuse!
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 01:20 am
whoa, whoa, whoa!

anyone's guilty if you want them to be badly enough...

from her perspective:
man gets clingy new friend
clingy new friend monopolizes time and makes nuisance of self
wife gets angry and maybe wonders if she's loved enough or even has a faithful husband
wife resolves situation (perhaps rightfully)
husband fails to understand importance of marriage!
he has nerve to be upset over wife wanting time with him?!
wife logs onto net for advice and it's suggested (rather loudly) she's nutsd for not seeing the obvious affair - and, why hasn't she set him straight!?

his perspective:
man gets emotional new friend
new friend wants to spend lots of time talking to him
wife gets jealous and (maybe) possessive and controlling (maybe)
or "wife overreacts" and tells him what to do
friendship ends under duress
man's feelings threatened about whether he has right to friends or not

people are complicated... don't be too quick to judge unless you like hanging innocent people.

also, don't be too quick to feel hurt when you're not sure if a crimes been committed. misunderstandings and upsets are not crimes. they happen in all marriages. get more info, and get it on as reasonable timeframe (only fools rush in) without grilling him

(you get more accurate info in the long run if there's room to be honest. he's not a suspect, he's someone you care about.)
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 01:26 am
Well, he may be quite innocent. I doubt she is.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 01:41 am
well we've got one sure it's him, and one doubting it's not her. i'd like to give them both the benefit of the doubt, (and i do,) but this is an advice forum, where someone asked for advice.

i was editing the other post but it got replied to. no problem, here's the rest of it:

there are so many things wrong with this situation:

1. regardless of what it took, an explosion is not the key to a happy ending 99.99% of the time. sometimes an explosion ends in a lucky way, but in general it leads to divorce. the most likely outcome everytime is that the other person gets really upset too (which happened this time)

2. you might be too controlling. (this isn't black and white, we don't know him or you.)

3. if you're not too controlling, you certainly addressed this in a black and white way that's sure to bring up issues in his mind about whether you are or not. that can make him defensive or feel self-righteous and want/feel the need to rebel, even if only to feel like he is important too.

some people might say "oh well he has to be the MAN, doesn't he?" well, clearly you need to be THE WOMAN, so this is a two part thing here.

4. i mean it when i say it's a two part thing. don't think i'm putting all the blame on you because i'm addressing you. you asked for advice. he didn't. i'm giving you what you asked for. that doesn't automatically make the situation your fault. for all i know, you're the most giving, reasonable person on the face of the planet, and you're fed up with his crap.

5. but did it occur to you that if you were to force an ultimatim or explode (neither of which usually works very well in long term relationships, unless ending the relationship/marriage is an okay option with you) that you could have insisted he spend less time, rather than spend no time? i mean you are choosing his friends for him, right? i would never marry someone personally that would tell me who i can be friends with.

but that's me. and like i said, i don't know you.

my advice is to pull back and try to see this several different ways. most of all, please don't assume he's capable of seeing this from your perspective. two people only have the same perspective sometimes. if you draw very different conclusions about who is right, you're probably working with MUCH different data sets to begin with.

if you leave fault and blindness out of the equation, you can always fault him for being blind LATER, after you've figured out (partially by asking, partially by really thinking about it) what's going on.

hope it helps. best to you both.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 06:21 am
Have you met this friend yet?

Does he ever invite you to meet her/hang out with them?
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 06:40 am
How old is your husband? Old enough to feel a bit stodgy and rut-bound and therefore delighted to be wooed and pursued by a woman who makes it very clear that he's a charming dude?

I agree with Roger. He may be innocent--I doubt that her intentions are to help him build a stronger relationship with you.

My guess is that Telephone Tilly made your husband feel like a wise and sexy stud and by insisting that he end the relationship you took his toy away.

You may have ended the relationship. You may have driven it underground. I suggest that you put in considerable effort to making your husband feel like a wise and sexy stud married to a loving and passionate woman.

Keep the grass green on your side of the fence.
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 08:59 am
My husband doesn't want to get rid of his woman friend
I want to thank everyone for all the advice. shewolfnm asked me if my husband has ever invited me to meet her and hang out with them and have I ever meet her. The answer to that is yes. I have met her and she seemed a little fake. I'm not sure if that comes from my own prejudgment or if it's true. There have been times where she was suppose to hang out with a group of us, not just my husband and I, but she never showed up. Her reasoning for not coming for one of those times was that she didn't think I would want her there and I hadn't met her at that point.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 10:10 am
That woman sounds like a nitwit, and with bad intentions. Big ego too. You wouldn't want her there so she doesn't come? Haha.

What I would do is forget the ninny and focus on just your hubby.

How much do you trust him? Can you two talk about difficult emotions and such together?

Maybe he feels dissatisfied in some way. Yes; it would be nicer if he would come to you and express it directly.

And so I can see why you had the reaction you did, though it probably wasn't the most productive one if the aim is to keep your relationship strong and healthy - because it can sniff a bit of control, and rules. Make him feel like he has to make choices because of force, rather than of his own accord.

I'd try to trust him and that he wants the relationship to work. Since you are working towards that anyways in your own way, and it is clearly important to you.

Oh man. Monogamy is a bitch. Laughing
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 10:47 am
The simple answer:

Morning blow jobs.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 11:06 am

men do not get envolved with women (on any level) that they are not interested in, and just remember there is no such thing as monogamy, that is wishful thinking.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 11:11 am
Sglass wrote:

and just remember there is no such thing as monogamy, that is wishful thinking.

Oh good. That takes a load off my shoulders.

Really. I'm not simply 'inadequate', I'm normal.

There is such a thing as primary commitment to one person, but that's about it.
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 11:36 am
Sglass wrote:

men do not get envolved with women (on any level) that they are not interested in, and just remember there is no such thing as monogamy, that is wishful thinking.

What a load of horseshit.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 11:58 am
Let's just assume that he is totally innocent and has/had no intention of being unfaithful. The things that she did showed that she didn't respect you or your marriage. She pretty clearly felt guilty -- didn't think you'd want her there -- so she knew it was crossing a line. He should have known that too. He knew you weren't happy with the situation yet continued to allow it. That's a big deal.

I'm not sure what the correct course of action is, but basically, if he is going to allow any third party to come between the two of you then you have a problem.
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 03:46 pm
oh come on Kickycan you are either very naive or in denial.
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 04:24 pm
Huh. Well, I'm inclined to agree with Sglass, but not be quite so adamant. Willed monogamy can certainly happen, and many folks participate in serial monogamy. But then serial monogamy is a contradiction, in a way.
I was monogamous for twenty years, does that count? (and well the opposite at other occasions).

I suppose we'd need to get into definitions to discuss this thoroughly.

Anyway, I agree with Free Duck re what is going on for our poster.

(I've got to stop agreeing with Free Duck - my lips are forming a beak...)
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 04:32 pm

I have to add I've had many male friends and continue to have. I just don't call them all the time already.
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 05:52 pm
What pretty stretched yellow lips you have, osso.
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 05:55 pm
Thank you, and notice the red dots?
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Sat 15 Sep, 2007 06:19 pm

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