115
   

My husband doesn't want to get rid of his woman friend

 
 
JPB
 
  3  
Fri 5 Sep, 2008 02:59 pm
@Foxfyre,
You and I could never be married, fox Wink
Foxfyre
 
  2  
Fri 5 Sep, 2008 03:01 pm
@JPB,
JPB wrote:

You and I could never be married, fox Wink


Well, it takes a pretty tough bird to be married to me, but I found one that was tough enough for a lot of decades now. Smile

I told you I was old fashioned.
0 Replies
 
Draco-bkw
 
  2  
Wed 5 Nov, 2008 06:26 pm
@sanderml,
I know that this post is old, and my response will likely not be read, but I wanted to share my two cents. First of all my impressions of her from what you have said. I think that if she didn't have any sort of romantic intentions with him, she would eventually. In that you were likely right in seeing her as a potential threat.

With that being said, I personally think you made a mistake in demanding that he stop talking to her. For one thing, he will likely resent the fact that not only are you choosing who he can and can't be friends with, but more importantly you have now displayed that you don't trust him to be faithful to you. I think it would have been far better for the both of you to let it play out. If she did make a move on him that would give you all the information you need. Either he would accept and your fears would be justified, or he would turn her down ON HIS OWN and breaks off the friendship. You would be much more comfortable with it yourself if he had made the decision to do it instead of being forced into it. And frankly if he IS the kind of guy who will cheat on you, it's better to know that too so you can be with someone better.

The only thing you can know for sure now is that when he is caught in a potential affair and you demand that he end it, he will. I'd think it'd be much better to know if he would do so on his own.
0 Replies
 
SanFranciscan
 
  1  
Sun 9 Nov, 2008 01:35 am
@sanderml,
Friends-people who want good rather than bad to happen to us and who are supposed to be understanding and helping. If I was the person making phone calls to a married person, And I learned that our conversings causing some serious fights in my friends marriage, I would stop. Does not mean I wouldn't miss him or don't like him a lot. I just want my friend to be happy and have a peaceful relationship with his/her spouce.
Ignoring such and keep calling and causing more drama shows that "friend" is pretty selfish person.
0 Replies
 
Bubbles85
 
  1  
Fri 14 Nov, 2008 07:54 pm
@sanderml,
He's having an emotional affair! If anyone should be angry it's you. you have nothing to feel guilty about!
0 Replies
 
hoppytoad79
 
  1  
Wed 11 Mar, 2009 09:19 am
@sanderml,
I totally understand why you're upset and I don't see where you were in the wrong at all in asking him to tell her to back off. Perhaps the way you went about communicating how you felt to him rubbed him the wrong way? Not knowing anything more than what you've told us, I'm just taking a stab in the dark and I reserve the right to be wrong.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Wed 11 Mar, 2009 03:49 pm
Quote:
hmm, i have many male friends that didn't make a pass on me or our other female friends ever. because we are, ummm, friends. and i have plenty monogamous friends, too.

This topic is raised occasionally amongst guys, and the generally consensus is that there aren't many at all of our female friends that we wouldn't sleep with (though it's more accurate to say 'that we aren't sexually attracted to).

From my perspective there's only ever been one female friend who I wasn't sexually attracted to - it's a bizarre and unsettling feeling when you meet a girl like this for the first time...and all I could think is "I can't ever tell her this, because it would be very insulting".

That said, there's many reasons we don't sleep with our friends :
- morals (if they are in a relationship)
- they aren't interested in us (usually more the case)
- you/they emotionally aren't able to handle casual sex without the friendship eventually ending (ie the friendship is more important than the sex)
- the guy is too much a 'nice guy' (this works both ways)

Now getting on to the OP : I'm of the opinion that friends (of any sex) are the province of the individual, not the couple. The wife has no right to tell a husband to end a friendship, nor visa versa.

As for the question of whether or not one is interested in the other, see above. That doesn't mean he 'wants to sleep with her' - one part can want to...and lets face it, without attraction to females he would never have married you...while another part does not want (for whatever reasons, morality, committment to you, love of you, etc). For her part, if she's calling him because she's bored, rather than because he's her friend - yeah that could be cause for worry...but the only couple you truly have to look at, is him and you.
0 Replies
 
Kathy B
 
  1  
Wed 29 Jul, 2009 06:26 pm
@sanderml,
Been there and done that! It was an affair. Confesssed 3 months later. Refused to give her up too. Fought me tooth and nail! She is still calling and trying. Time will tell what I will do.
Lash
 
  2  
Fri 4 Sep, 2009 05:24 pm
Ugh. I am about to prove what a hypocrite I am in this area. I have several former lovers who I maintain contact with. We take turns calling or talking online. We still say "love ya" and mean it...but not in a sexual way. There is no way I'd ever betray my boyfriend sexually or emotionally with these or any other men.

My new boyfriend was maintaining a "friendship" with his former girlfriend. I didn't trust her, though I trusted him. I bit my tongue about how it made me feel for months...until it bothered me so much that I didn't think I could continue the relationship. I broke up...he asked why. I told him. He discontinued the relationship. So, I feel like a huge hypocrite...because MY friendships continue. I bet he misses her. I've thought about telling him to return to his friendship with her if he wants to...but I swear...I think the same thing would happen again. This is my first experience with this kind of jealousy. Quite ugly and demoralizing...but I am powerless to control it.
LeonaBanks
 
  -2  
Tue 3 Nov, 2009 07:42 pm
@MsT26,
You have every reason to be upset. Men hang with men and women with women. If he wants her as a friend you should ALWAYS be included. Why do you think in support groups they always say men with men, women with women. Things have a way of getting out of hand and since none of us are perfect temptation is always lurking around especially if you guys had a disagreement. The grass may look greener on the other side. He nor she is perfect so leave well enough alone.
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  0  
Wed 4 Nov, 2009 05:46 am
@Kathy B,
Crush her pelvis.
Lash
 
  1  
Wed 24 Feb, 2010 08:04 pm
@Lash,
I would like to say that my instincts about this woman were accurate. I can't quite discern what is just green-eyed jealousy and what is "intuition," but she wanted him... and actively tried to hurt my relationship. Lucky my trust in him was well-founded. (laughing) She called him while I was visiting last time...and you should have heard the message I left her. ...hasn't tried to contact him since... (smirk)
0 Replies
 
Mislead
 
  1  
Wed 17 Mar, 2010 01:57 am
I just ended a two year realtionship with a man who pretty much only had female friends. Most of them he collected in the past year. I was ok with the friends he'd known for years. My reason for being uncomfortable with his newly aquired friends had more to do with the lying and cheating that began a year ago and his insisting that they were 'just friends'. Though, he never introduced me to his 'old' friends, his reasons that they lived some distance away and we always had something planned on the weekends. He did start going to see them alone though.

A great book on the subject is called "Not 'just friends'". It doesn't discount friends of the opposite sex, but has some pretty safe guidlines to follow if you do have them.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Fri 2 Apr, 2010 04:38 am
@Sglass,
Sglass gives GREAT advice! Pelvis crushing ranks as my default position on almost every contingency.
0 Replies
 
youask
 
  1  
Sat 5 Jun, 2010 05:38 am
@sanderml,
The general issue, significant opposite-sex friends of a married person, is a such a common one today, with social media abounding. It's a real test of maturity to use them responsibly, and to react sensitively to those who are having trouble doing it!

I think people in a committed relationship have to learn to talk to one another openly about that, and for most it's a new skill. What is the lure of social media, the need it fills that a face-to-face relationship can't provide? Why does it become a guilty pleasure for so many otherwise honest, well-meaning people? Maybe it's because it's so easy, and, believe it or not, we may yearn for communication that's free of body language -- or simplified with emoticons!

If I were you, the bewildered and hurt wife, I would ask my husband to talk about this woman, what she means to him, what needs she fulfills. You should, of course, be feeling curiosity and concern, and be wanting to know what you can do to meet those missing needs. Or, if he's addicted, ashamed, and doesn't really know why he's doing it, to try to help him understand.

It's not an easy situation, and you have my sympathy.
0 Replies
 
HexHammer
 
  2  
Wed 9 Jun, 2010 11:40 pm
@sanderml,
It's a hard to judge this, as only 1 side of the story has been told, I sorely wish that I could hear his and her's side of the story too, and their background.
0 Replies
 
ArkansasMan
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2010 10:16 am
Well the best thing too Do is : AND I 'LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS "
0 Replies
 
terrabear
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2010 03:57 pm
@sanderml,
Same thing happened to me. I didn't stop it, though. Guess what happened? She cheated on me with the "txt friend", and a year later we got divorced. Go with your gut, is all I gotta say.
0 Replies
 
KeepinItReal
 
  1  
Wed 25 Aug, 2010 09:04 pm
@tinygiraffe,
i totally disagree with you! affairs start off emotional. there should be boundaries with the opposite sex if you are married. there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as the friendship respects the marriage. Keep it real. you are really thinking too much.
nimh
 
  1  
Fri 27 Aug, 2010 02:15 am
@KeepinItReal,
I thought Tinygiraffe's post was excellent advice, myself. Well worth considering.
 

Related Topics

 
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 04/14/2021 at 08:38:11