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My husband doesn't want to get rid of his woman friend

 
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 06:36 pm
(not to make light of Sandersmi's problem)
0 Replies
 
kickycan
 
  2  
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 08:48 pm
Sglass wrote:
kickycan wrote:
Sglass wrote:
girl

men do not get envolved with women (on any level) that they are not interested in, and just remember there is no such thing as monogamy, that is wishful thinking.


What a load of horseshit.


oh come on Kickycan you are either very naive or in denial.


Okay, maybe you can explain further what you meant by that statement. It sounds like you're saying that all men are pigs with no self-control. Am I missing something here?

Also, monogany is wishful thinking? Many couples are monogamous. I know some of them personally. What about these people? How do they fit in with your theory?

And the way you put it, it sounds to me like you're putting all the blame for the fact that monogamy is just wishful thinking (which, as I've stated, is horseshit) on men.
0 Replies
 
dagmaraka
 
  2  
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 09:12 pm
hmm, i have many male friends that didn't make a pass on me or our other female friends ever. because we are, ummm, friends. and i have plenty monogamous friends, too.
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  -1  
Sat 15 Sep, 2007 11:07 pm
ho hum this is getting boring. nite nite
0 Replies
 
honey rose cr
 
  3  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 09:45 am
Is there a spreading infection on A2K which turns simple 'help me' threads into arguements??! Confused

Right, I think over-reacting is going to get you no-where. Remember that your partner is NOT necessarily cheating on you. It might be a simple case of liking this girl as a casual friend, and SHE'S getting clingy because SHE wants him.

You need to reassure your man you want him and make sure he reassures you too. If you start getting angry and jealous it's going to make your husband feel pressurized and bitter about YOU and it'll make him all the more eager to escape the relationship. Even if he didn't have a romantic interest in this girl at the beginning, guaranteed if you start pressurizing him about her, he'll want to get away from you and she's his closest escape.

That's going to hurt you even more, so don't go there.

My boyfriend has a certain girl he met at a couple of parties, who he started to get a bit too flirty with... I started to get jealous and very upset because I thought he wanted her more than me. I made certain comments (although they were very held-back) and he invited her to a camping party when he'd told me he didn't really want to see me. We argued, didn't speak for a few days.

When we got back together, were having a relaxing bath together and just chatting, I told him that I was upset about that particular incident and asked him why he invited her. He answered with "She was the only person I could think to invite" and he said he couldn't remember telling me he didn't want to see me. (He never remembers things more than 48 hours beforehand Rolling Eyes )

He could tell I was genuinely upset, I didn't get angry at him, I just told him it felt like he didn't want me anymore and asked him if he thought she was attractive. He said "Yes." Just from him saying that it reassured me. He had been truthful instead of saying "I dunno...maybe" or something. Next time we saw her he made an effort to be all kissy and cuddly, holding my hand etc, even when she was talking to him. He's become much more supportive, bringing me flowers etc since that conversation, and a certain follow-up one later (not relating to the girl)..

Have you tried approaching the situation from another angle? Don't mention her as the main topic, mention how you're feeling, what you're lacking and how his relationship with her makes you feel. Don't force him to give up a friend, just tell him how you feel and that you'd prefer if he'd tone it down a bit. Maybe spend a week out of contact with her, and have a special week; the both of you doing romantic things, planning to go out etc.

Ask him to please send a text in this week if she keeps pestering, to say he's spending some much needed time with you. (Don't force him remember. If he knows you care more than he does about the situation, he'll use it against you.) The most reassuring thing for you, is for him to reinforce his feelings about the relationship by 'discussing' how much he loves you with this girl. If he can tell her (not outright, that would be weird, but in a casual conversation. Like "Oh, I can't meet up, I'm having a cosy night in with my wife") that he loves you and is spending time with you and wants to be with you forever (for example) then it's very unlikely he wants a relationship with her.
0 Replies
 
kickycan
 
  4  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 11:39 am
honey_rose_cr wrote:
Is there a spreading infection on A2K which turns simple 'help me' threads into arguements??! Confused


What are you, looking for a fight or something? :wink:

Seriously though, if someone says something stupid, I reserve the right to call them on it, and I think everyone else should too. It's one of the main things about this site that makes it interesting, in my opinion.

Okay, I'm done now. Carry on.
0 Replies
 
tinygiraffe
 
  3  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 04:07 pm
i think honey_rose is right though, if you're not here to help the person asking for help, you should reconsider posting at all about three times.

this has less to do with calling out someone (which might help actually) and more to do with the idea that this thread isn't entertaining enough? it's not meant to be entertainment, right? that's springer obviously. it's different. (i hope.)
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  3  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 04:48 pm
Re: My husband doesn't want to get rid of his woman friend
sanderml wrote:
...He did call her with me present and told her I was having a problem with them talking and it wasn't him. He then thanked her for being understanding. When he hung up the phone he was very upset over what he just told her. He acted as though I just destroyed the best friendship of his life, but I thought that's what I was for. Was I wrong? Help!!


It sounds like he felt backed into a corner and was brow-beaten into calling her. I'm not sure he isn't going to hold that against you down the road, if he doesn't already. I agree with Noddy that there's an equal likelihood of their connection going underground as there is to it disappearing. If he was feeling good about the extra attention and you've forced him to pull the plug then I doubt he's dropped all contact.

I'd also be interested in the answer to Noddy's question about his age. And, you don't mention if there are kids in your relationship.

In general I think couples should encourage each other to have individual friends as well as couple friends. I also don't have any issues with the individual friends being of the opposite sex. It does sound like she was over the top in her behaviors, but unless the excessive contact was two-way, with him initiating much of the connection, then I think you may be talking to the wrong person.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 04:53 pm
tinygiraffe wrote:
i think honey_rose is right though, if you're not here to help the person asking for help, you should reconsider posting at all about three times.

this has less to do with calling out someone (which might help actually) and more to do with the idea that this thread isn't entertaining enough? it's not meant to be entertainment, right? that's springer obviously. it's different. (i hope.)


not meant to be entertainment? hmmm, I'm not sure the intent is predefined. This is the internet. When someone posts on an open forum they get all sorts of feedback. The poster gets to pick and chose what makes sense to them. The only caveats on the posts here is that they don't violate the TOS.

Many times the questions are posted by students or trolls looking for laughs. Many of us answer them seriously, many don't. It's all good.
0 Replies
 
kickycan
 
  2  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 08:50 pm
tinygiraffe wrote:
i think honey_rose is right though, if you're not here to help the person asking for help, you should reconsider posting at all about three times.


Really? You think that? Well, isn't that wonderful. You just keep thinking that, and I'll just keep doing whatever the hell I feel like. It's a win-win situation.
0 Replies
 
tinygiraffe
 
  1  
Mon 17 Sep, 2007 11:05 pm
yknow, that's a very odd reaction, kicky. i thought i made it fairly clear what nonsense i was responding to, it had nothing to do with you:

Quote:
ho hum this is getting boring. nite nite


but it goes without saying, any one of us can think whatever s/he wants, even sglass. even me.

and since you agree, it's even odder still to bite my head off like that. it's win-win for us, but the couple the thread is about gets nothing.
0 Replies
 
kickycan
 
  1  
Tue 18 Sep, 2007 09:05 am
You're telling me this wasn't in response to my post?

tinygiraffe wrote:
i think honey_rose is right though, if you're not here to help the person asking for help, you should reconsider posting at all about three times.


Odd, since it was directly after my post. I hope you can see how I might think you were talking to me.

And I wasn't biting your head off. It was just a playful nibble. Hehehe...
0 Replies
 
tinygiraffe
 
  1  
Tue 18 Sep, 2007 11:48 am
yeah i can easily see how you'd think i was - hindsight 20/20 and all that, obviously i wasn't very clear.

but it was really directed at sglass- see next paragraph.

anyway, the points been made that this subforum isn't as serious as i really thought it was meant to be- which is fine. although i did feel bad for the original poster.

thanks for clarifying, really.
0 Replies
 
tourismgirl
 
  2  
Fri 15 Aug, 2008 11:46 am
@sanderml,
Good girl! You very likely just headed off an affair... you know, the "I didn't plan it, it just happened," kind of affair.

"he said there was no reason to be worried"

It's not a matter of him deciding whether you have a reason to be worried about something happening. Something IS happening. This intruder is inserting herself into your husband's life and is attempting to develop an emotional relationship with him. Not with both of you, but with him. Without you! Sorry pal, but a married man doesn't get to just go out and develop cozy, one-on-one relationships with single women. It's against the rules.

And heads up, you need to be pissed off at him too, not just her. She's not under any legal or moral obligation to give a damn about your feelings. He's the one who has the responsibility to protect you and your relationship. So what if he gets mad. Better to have him mad now than running off to divorce court down the road because he's gone and fallen in love with this woman. He's a grown up. He knows what his obligations are. You aren't his mommy and shouldn't have to be policing his behavior. How DARE he act like a little schoolgirl with a crush whose mommy won't let him go out and play.

I'm writing this almost a year after your post. I would looove to know how things turned out and whether you are feeling better about having done the RIGHT thing.
nimh
 
  4  
Fri 15 Aug, 2008 12:36 pm
Tinygiraffe gave the best advice... and this thread makes me miss her posts / wonder where she went off to. Wise and grown-up advice she gave, here.

Also, Kicky was right - Seaglass's claim that "men do not get envolved with women (on any level) that they are not interested in" is horseshit. (Said as a guy who's had many female friends, who I did not seek to bed, thank you very much.)
cyphercat
 
  1  
Wed 27 Aug, 2008 09:52 pm
@nimh,
nimh wrote:
Tinygiraffe gave the best advice... and this thread makes me miss her posts / wonder where she went off to. Wise and grown-up advice she gave, here.


Yeah, same here. Not been around since 2007, it looks like; that's too bad... I miss the li'l giraffe.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Thu 28 Aug, 2008 07:30 am
@tourismgirl,
tourismgirl wrote:
I'm writing this almost a year after your post. I would looove to know how things turned out


This is just about the only thing I agree with in this post.
0 Replies
 
hadit
 
  3  
Fri 5 Sep, 2008 02:22 pm


I'd like to add a coupla things here...
1) I'm married to a clingy, needy, controlling bitch who I love very much...ouch!
2) One of my best friends wives and I have become pretty close.
3) My wife sees this relationship and is extremely thretened by it.
4)I cannot have anything to do or say with my friend of 20 years because of it.
5) I hate my wife for turning what I thought was something nice into something taboo.
6)I have no intention, nor have I EVER had any intention of carrying anything on w/ this woman other than friendship.
7) Did I mention that there are 2 families, 4 kids, and 2 best friends involved here...everyone has EVERYTHING to loose.
8) STOP TIGHTENING THE GODDAMNED SCREW!!!

JPB
 
  2  
Fri 5 Sep, 2008 02:39 pm
@hadit,
hello hadit, welcome to A2K.

First, allow me to say that I'm sorry you find yourself in your current situation. If I may, I'd like to ask you to expand on your number 4) I cannot have anything to do or say with my friend of 20 years because of it... How so? I'm of the opinion that one party of a relationship forbidding certain behaviors by the other party doesn't indicate much of a relationship. I understand from 3) that she feels threatened by your friendship with wife of best friend but that's her dilemma that you've taken on as yours.

I'll hold my tongue for now, but the old adage that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them comes to mind here.
0 Replies
 
Foxfyre
 
  3  
Fri 5 Sep, 2008 02:46 pm
I guess I'm old fashioned, and this is directed to nobody in particular, but in my opinion a husband who values his relationship with his wife does not create or leave room for doubt. Other than to conduct necessary business, he doesn't have long private conversatons with other women, meet them for a drink after work, regularly meet with them for lunch. If he retains close female friends, they are expected to also be friends with his wife who will be invited as reasonable to all social meetings and welcomed and included in all she wishes to attend.

And rewrite the above paragraph as appropriate for how a woman who values her relationship with her husband deals with close male friends.

 

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