55
   

He loves me but my boyfriend is abusive at times...

 
 
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:10 pm
we have been together almost 4yrs and i know that loves me alot. he cooks for me. buys me things. pays alot of attention to me. but then there are times when he yells and screams at me. hit me for things that happened along time ago. makes me give him oral when i dont want to. but he always apologizes to me and comforts me after i'm hurting.... we live together and now have a brand new baby at home. he pays everything including my fav. cell phone. without him i wont have abosolutely nothing even money for my son. he says if i leave him he'll hurt me and take my son.... i dont want the police involved or my apartments will kick me out.....what do i do???
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Type: Discussion • Score: 55 • Views: 32,289 • Replies: 158

 
djjd62
 
  3  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:12 pm
leave
Rockhead
 
  5  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:14 pm
@deniserichardson,
Seek a battered women's shelter near you, and ask for help, Please.
0 Replies
 
Intrepid
 
  3  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:16 pm
@deniserichardson,
What Rockhead said. Oh, and he doesn't really love you or this would not be happening.
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  2  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:16 pm
quietly and without a trace, youre only there because of the financial security.

Hes threatening you already, imagine as the years roll on, will he get milder? NO, he will only get more violent as he seeks his boundaries .

Be careful, but leave.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:18 pm
@deniserichardson,
First step is realizing he DOES NOT love you, and leave, go to a woman's shelter as rockhead said.

Keep in mind, regardless of posts you will surely make to the contrary...He Does Not Love You.

He owns you.
Get away.

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squinney
 
  2  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 04:20 pm
@deniserichardson,
Denise, that is not love. I understand you may want it to be, but it isn't. Love does not hurt.

Do you have family? A friend, anyone? Have you checked on local womens shelters? Talked to anyone in social services?

0 Replies
 
NickFun
 
  3  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 05:16 pm
Any man who hits or abuses a woman is a coward. Get outa there right now young lady!
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Wed 17 Dec, 2008 06:49 pm
He hits you now.

He will hit the child next.

Is that what you want?

Tell him he must stop abusing you - physically and sexually and if he does not stop HE has to leave.

Make some calls to some shelters and get prepared to bolt.
0 Replies
 
deniserichardson
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 03:34 am
IS IT POSSIBLE I CAN ASK HIM TO CHANGE AND HE ACTUALLY CHANGE? I MEAN I KNO IT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE SO WILL IT WORK? I HONESTLY THINK I'M TO SCARED TO LEAVE. AND FOR THE COMMENT ABOUT MONEY....I DONT THINK I'M HERE FOR HIS MONEY. I COULD MAKE MONEY IF I WANTED TO BUT AT THIS TIME I CANT.
margo
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 05:15 am
@deniserichardson,
No - he won't change - except for the worse. And he doesn't love you. Sorry!

If you're too scared to leave, it demonstrates very clearly that you are NOT in a loving relationship.

Get out now!
0 Replies
 
Intrepid
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 05:22 am
@deniserichardson,
In your heart you want him to change. He will not change. Men like this do not change and do not even think that they are doing anything wrong.

Like someone else said. He will probably abuse the child next since an abuser does not limit his abuse to only the female. Children are not immune. This is no environment in which to raise a child.

Men who abuse women are cowards and feel a sense of superiority with a weaker woman.

Staying is really not an option.

Sorry.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 05:40 am
@Intrepid,
Leave. Yesterday.

Call a women's shelter and a cab if you don't have access to a car. Pack a bag for you and a bag for your child. This is basic stuff, a change of clothes, any medications anyone needs, diapers if necessary (I don't know how old your child is), etc. Take your jewelry and anything small of value, and grab your ATM card.

And walk out the door. You should not lose your apartment if you seek to improve your and your child's safety.

Do it. Yesterday.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 06:03 am
@jespah,
Do it when he is not at home.

Do not leave a note.

Do not let him know where you have gone.
He will fight to get his punching bag back.

Go to a womans shelter. They will help you think about your next step.

0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 07:54 am
Quote:
he yells and screams at me.
hit me for things that happened along time ago.
makes me give him oral when i dont want to.
he says if i leave him he'll hurt me and take my son


What part of that says love to you?

I know it's hard to even think about leaving but the next time you get a chance to leave, it might be in a body bag.

These situations don't get better. They get worse. And god forbid you aren't around when the baby is crying and won't stop because he just might lose it and hurt the baby.

There are options. This will not be easy. But remember it can't be any harder than living this way now. At least you can say you are poor but alive.
0 Replies
 
alex240101
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 08:46 am
@deniserichardson,
You can not take that chance with your son. Your only a kid once. Give your son, what he deserves: love and happiness. You have to leave.

0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 12:37 pm
I will chime in and agree that you should leave. I've never known a situation like this to get better. You need to understand that love NEVER includes physical or verbal abuse. Rather it is a sicko's way of exerting control over another human being. Love is not in that equation.

I second an earlier post that you should get to a woman's shelter and do not, I repeat, do not tell him where you are going. (You may leave a simple not telling him you are leaving and will not be back, but nothing more.)
0 Replies
 
Foxfyre
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 12:44 pm
What CoastalRat and others have said. Not only will the situation not improve but will inevitably become worse and could be life threatening for you and/or your son. What you think he expresses as love is a controlling device as is the expressed remorse after each incident. The fact that he verbally and physically abuses you as well as threatens you is proof that it isn't love. Leave. Now. Get to a safe place where he can't find you or get at you. And find a good attorney.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 01:00 pm
@deniserichardson,
Quote:
I MEAN I KNO IT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE


This is not true, but may be something you want to believe since it gives you something to hope for....something I can't imagine anyone wanting, i.e. someone who beats and otherwise abuses you.

Sometimes it takes awhile to make a change, other times changes occur quickly.

IMO changes are more apt to take time because the one doing the changing is resistant.

Anyway, why would he want to change? He's got everything just the way he wants it.

He gets to beat you, make you do sexual things you don't want to do, yells at you, and knows you will do nothing to stop it.

Once in a while, when you get particularly hurt, or start to show enough signs of standing up for your right not to be abused, he knows all he has to do is pretend to care. He knows you equate his loving you with "comforting you" saying the words "It won't happen again" and other superfical reassurances.

Then, you back off and he behaves for a little while, if at all. All in all, he has to put in very little effort to keep things the way he wants them.

You ask, "Isn't there a chance....?"

The way things are now, absolutley not, no, not a chance, no way, any other way you want to say it.

Why would he want to change? So you can be happy? The first time his fist hit you, or he forced you to submit to him sexually, or degraded you with his words, he gave the message loud and clear he cares nothing about your happiness.

Take your child and leave.
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 09:42 pm
Most women who live with abusers and/or alcoholics just want them to CHANGE and STOP what they are doing. And they are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because there is some sort of sense of HOPE that MAY come true.

Denise has not yet realized that this is a FANTASY and her boyfriend is NOT going to change - in fact, with probably get worse in the future.

She just is not ready yet to give up her fantasy-based hope. And she is willing to sacrifice her child while she waits for the miracle.

That's fine - if it were just her - but now there's a child who will learn (by witnessing model adults) to either be a submissive wimp or an abusive man.

This is how abuse is learned and passed from one generation to another. Most likely, this man came from a family where his father beat his mother. He's just repeating what he has learned that works.

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