family vs finances

Your mother sees it. She knows what your sister is capable of.

In the past, has your sister used this sucker point to blackmail you, emotionally or otherwise? I'm asking because from lurking in this thread, I find it hard to identify your sister's motivation in all this. Is she trying to play some kind of domination game with you? Or is this the usual hairball of irritation and confusion you automatically get from mixing business and family? If it's the latter, ending the business part of the relationship would probably be good for both of you, and you may well find your sister more cooperative than you now think she will be.

Thomas - IMO she's not maliscious, just completely out of touch with reality. I don't think there's a motive. I think she owes me, she thinks I owe her. I guess it is, in short, why they say not to work with/for family.

Beth, you say that, but..... Just got an email from mom saying I should have told sis I was short on cash and was expecting payment promptly before I worked the days for her.

I agree with everybody, far as I read.
Your mother is an enabler.
Your sister is a user/freeloader.
You, by continuing to let this go on, will be just asking for this behavior in the future (but you know that. It's like Lucy and was it Charlie Brown and the football - whoever it was, he keeps believing in the football.)

I can see your mother being right to the extent that you should drop taking care of the kids, which I don't think is what she meant. Be an aunt, have fun with the kids, take them places, if that is fun for you, but in no way be hired by your sister, who is missing a synapse or two on all this. I mean ever. I wouldn't make any big announcement. Just don't do it. Say no, you won't work for her, if she does ask.

If she pays you for the last two times, good. If she does, that doesn't fix things. If she doesn't, it won't be a surprise.

Grrrrr.

(Of course, do as you judge best. Just sayin' here.)

I say it because your parents don't expect good things of your sister, or of the working relationship between the two of you.

It's handy for your sister, she knows that you moved home to be near family, it's hard for her not to take advantage of the situation.

Do you think your sister would cut off access to the kids if you weren't the sitter? would your sister encourage you to take the kids out when it was convenient for you - when your sister would end up home alone because the kids were out with you on an adventure?

Oh, good grief. She wouldn't pay any baby sitter right away?

She's always known you've been short on cash, she has been (I seem to remember hearing this before) thinking she's doing you a favor with all this.

Beth, I can see what you're saying.

Osso, I pretty much responded like that to my mom.

Your sister sounds to me like a boundary pusher. Always trying to find out what she can get away with. (Can I get her to watch my kids? Can I get away with not paying her? No? Can I get away with delaying payment? How long? Etc.)

My prediction: She'll keep it up until you say "eff you", then she'll back off for a while (complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen), and then start up the same old crap again.

In this case, I apologize if I upset you, but I must warn you from personal experience: If you let things like this slide, they can get very grim indeed. My mother, for example, used to own a business together with her two brothers. There were always conflicts of interest -- normal stuff for a business, but near impossible for the family to handle as a family affair. My mother always ended up sacrificing her legitimate business interests for the sake of the family, whom she adored. (You kind of remind me of her in this regard, except perhaps for the adoring part.) Her reward was that she lost it all: The business went bankrupt; my grandmother, the mother of the three, got extremely depressed over this and died; my mother and her brothers have barely been on speaking terms since the bankruptcy nine years ago.

[patronizing big brother rant]

This is the last thing you want -- for yourself or your family. I couldn't for the life of me think of any business interest that's worth this kind of distress. So, with my own family history in mind, I recommend with the utmost severity that you take one of the following two options.

The best option is that you try to end the nannying business with your sister as soon and as permanently as you can.

If you can't do that -- if, for example, you need a fallback in case something goes wrong with your teaching career -- the second best option is this: Draft a written contract (your library will have legal form books for this purpose), get your sister to sign it, and stick to it religiously. That way, at least both parties have a written record of their rights and obligations, and no longer have to "feel" what they are.

[/patronizing big brother rant]

I know all these things are much easier for me to say than for you to do. I wish you the very best!

Good post, Thomas, re the choices.

To the family hazzerai, there's my mother and aunt versus the two brothers. Twenty years of non-talking. The third brother that was the saint luckily died earlier. (Irish, you know).

Adding, I don't think it's all that necessary to drag out the dirty linen in 'just saying no', trying to come to some kind of understanding of the other person from both sisters. That's been tried, it seems several times.

Just don't do it. Alter the relationship to ordinary aunt status - that's a good status. Aunts can be around. Mothers can help pay fees, say if you take them to the zoo (whatever). Or do things that cost little. Stop with the sitting. Let sis get another sitter, however strange that may seem.

Increase the gardening..

Signed,
Buttinsky

Oh, absolutely! If I sounded as if I recommended the washing of dirty laundry, I miscommunicated. If it was up to me, I would try to follow the advice in "Ms Manners' guide to excruciatingly correct behavior", which is to say "no" with regret but no explanations.

"I'm afraid not."
"Thanks for offering, but I can't."
"No, sorry, it's just not possible. I hope you find someone though."

You get the idea.

Oh, you didn't miscommunicate at all, Thomas.
I just figured I might be miscommunicating since I was so flaringly adamant.
Agree on the Ms. Manners thing.
I picture that as hard for littleK in this situation, but short and clear is better.

I agree. Easy for me to recommend, hard for her to do. I don't envy her for what she's going through at all.

Really the best would be to get a dart board, put your sister's picture up
there and start hitting the board - get it out of your system

I am curious are you working for them now full time? Or are you just working for them for the summer?

If you are working for them full time now (or some what full time) then I would think you are entitled to the arrangements you have had in the past and should get paid. If you are just working for them during the summer, then I can understand not paying for your vacation (as long as you are not caring for the children while at the cape).

If I were you and worked for the full time thing, then I would insist on being paid the vacation time (like any other full time nanny) or else you would have to break the arrangement and she would have to hire another nanny - however, you have to feel comfortable about finding work over the summer.

Believe me being a mom -what is typical is paying for sick time (reasonable amount of days) and 2 weeks vacation. Like K says there isn't any regulation - just want is typical.

I just noticed that this about a zillion years old - please ignore me.

Linkat - your advice as a working mom is still welcome, even now.

I think I will have to just stop working for her as you all suggested. I won't cover her for vacations. I did this time because the kids didn't want the regular after school person they hired this year to work during vacation (again for the kids' sake). The problem is the kids are generally over-booked and it'll be tricky to find time to spend with them. I offered to have my niece sleep over here to try that out before it came time to sleep over her friends' houses. She seemed receptive.