Son's girlfriend pregnant... obligations?

As far as advice to you son goes (all else has already been said) I would advise my son in this situation to see her, verify the pregnancy and his obligation, and go from there. He's not required to marry her, but if she is pregnant and it is his then obviously there are support requirements.

As for the relationship, it sounds like it's done with if he is recoiling from her.

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Right. And as Soz pointed out, it's unlikely paternity can be confirmed until there actually is a baby ...

The way she's handled the relationship has definitely put him off continuing with it. She was calling for commitment after the first week together - Hollywood-style romance perhaps - and is a real railroader!

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oy.

virtual hugs. that's unpleasant. pregnancy should be joyful for all concerned.. i hope all will end reasonably well.

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Quote:

Right now men don't have many choice (or rights) when it comes to reproduction.

Ebrown--

You mean that every man gives his child or children unconditional financial and emotional support?

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Noddy24 wrote:

Quote:
Right now men don't have many choice (or rights) when it comes to reproduction.

Ebrown--

You mean that every man gives his child or children unconditional financial and emotional support?

No, but all of that happens post-reproduction, does it not?

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quot :
"Right now men don't have many choice (or rights) when it comes to reproduction. "

are they being coerced :wink: ?
hbg

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<crossing>

I'm cynical, for sure. Tough situation. What a difficult way to learn a lesson!

However, with a good mom like you he will be okay. No matter what happens here, there are positives that can come out of this.

Sending some calming vibes, that's all.

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hamburger wrote:

quot :
"Right now men don't have many choice (or rights) when it comes to reproduction. "

are they being coerced :wink: ?
hbg

Good point.

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I believe that paternity can be determined through anmniocentesis. A bit of exploring on the Internet could confirm this.

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hamburger wrote:

ebrown_p wrote:

"Right now men don't have many choice (or rights) when it comes to reproduction. "

are they being coerced :wink: ?
hbg

A pregnancy takes the involvement of two people-- a man and a woman. Assuming neither of them is coerced, they should have equal rights and equal responsibilities.

In this case the man and the woman made a decision to have a physical relationship. The pregnancy is their equal responsibility.

- The woman claimed she was using the pill. She may have lied about this (or been irresponsible) meaning the man was forced to reproduce under a pretext. Women aren't tricked into reproducing against their will (since they always have an option to not be a parent, even after being irresponsible enough to start an unwanted pregnancy).

- The woman gets the sole decision about whether to terminate the pregnancy. If she wants to terminate the pregnancy for any reason (i.e. she doesn't want the expense or responsiblity) no one can defy her. In this case she goes on with her life with no long term economic consequences.

- The man has no such ability. If he wants to terminate the pregancy for any reason, he can't. The woman can decide whether she wants the expense inherent in parenting. The man has no such choice and is stuck with 18 years of expenses even if his choice was to terminate the pregnancy.

Many people are willing to say that the man made his choice when he had sex and shouldn't complain if he is forced to become a parent.

Would you be willing to say that the woman made her choice when she had sex and shouldn't complain if she is forced to have the baby?

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I believe amnio is risky in the first trimester or so.

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/prenataltesting/amniocentesis.html

This doesn't say anything about risk, but states that it's usually done starting at the 14th week of pregnancy (though sometimes as early as 11 weeks).

It does confirm that it can be used for paternity testing.

Of course it's ultimately the girlfriend's decision, but that seems too late in terms of the abortion question.

Again, yikes, and sorry everyone has to deal with this.

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I like ebrown's exposition of the situation as the custom stands - have sent it to my son too.

And I think that, however unfair, it is up to women to take full responsibility for their fertility - I wouldn't trust a man who said he was taking the pill, necessarily!

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cyphercat wrote:

I think Soz is right about the pill, as far as missing one day= extremely unlikely, and so on. But I also think (correct me if I'm wrong, Soz) that if you miss pills here and there frequently, it's overall less dependable. I know that the more you miss, the longer you're supposed to wait before depending on them as your only birth control again; I wonder if she paid attention to that part or not?

If you miss so many days - some where around the 3 range - then you are supposed to use an alternate method for (I believe) two weeks.

There is also the mini pill. I took this when I was nursing. The mini pill has a significantly lower dosage than the regular pill, therefore it is recommended for nursing moms. However, you need to take the pill regularly and very close to the same time each day - my doctor warned me about that.

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quoting from ebrown :
"...In this case the man and the woman made a decision to have a physical relationship. CIn this case the man and the woman made a decision to have a physical relationship. The pregnancy is their equal responsibility.
imo that's where it starts and where it ends .
if after knowing the other party for as little as three weeks (!) , a person decides that it is now all in the hands of the other party to decide whether or not a human being will be produced , i'll have to question whether that person is really grown up yet .
later saying "she said - he said" is not going to do any good .
who was there when the "agreement" was reached ? just the two of them !

as ebrown said : "In this case the man and the woman made a decision to have a physical relationship. The pregnancy is their equal responsibility. "

there is really nothing to add to that imo .
hbg

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Quote:

Would you be willing to say that the woman made her choice when she had sex and shouldn't complain if she is forced to have the baby?

For years and years, this was pretty much taken for granted.

Meanwhile, two young people were getting to know each other in and out of bed and two young people have some very serious talking to do and decisions to make.

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Clary wrote:

Seems really harsh that a woman can con a man into sperm-doning and then get paid off forever.

if they wittingly or unwittingly botched contraceptive measures, had unprotected sex, have conceived a baby together, and agree to not abort and put the kid out of it's life long misery-- don't you think it's an obligation for both parents to get married and raise the child?

the baby in her belly is a joint production, and they can either abort and start their lives over, or not abort and raise the child like 2 responsible human beings. at the end of the day, unless she drugged him, stole his sperm and injected her uterus -- he is not a victim. he is a father. and with that comes the opportunity to do the right thing -- marry the girl and bring up a little child in a loving home, or support his girlfriend through every inch of the way as she aborts -- which btw is one of the single most horrific experiences a person can go through. there is no middle path. there aren't other options.

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Clary wrote:

She was calling for commitment after the first week together - Hollywood-style romance perhaps - and is a real railroader!

commitment, meaning promises of marriage?!

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Giving up a child for adoption isn't an option? Hmm, perhaps I'm behind the times.

To do list for Clary's son:
1) Find out if the gal is pregnant
2) Determine if it is even possible for him to be the father (this ain't a DNA test, I am talking about counting days)
3) Determine if it is possible for someone else to be the father (I am talking about the possible existence of alternative, er, donors)
4) If #1 is proven and #2 is likely and #3 is unlikely, discuss with gal re options. I'd advise not to commit to anything hastily. If gal decides on abortion, regardless of outcome of investigations into #2 and #3, be supportive. If not, be supportive but somewhat noncommittal because of #5.
5) If child is born insist on paternity test, regardless of results of investigations into #2 and #3. If determined to be the father, step up and support child. If not, ....

Why do I say to not be committal if the pregnancy is continued, until a paternity test is completed and he is proven to be the father (a lot of ifs, BTW)? Because there might be someone else with claims, plus, no matter what you think of abortion, marriage, etc. it does look an awful lot like the gal is trying to railroad him. Prudence might not have been exercised during conception (if there even has been a conception, I say, prove this, too), but that doesn't mean that prudence can't be exercised now.

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As to obligation to get married, absolutely not.

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hamburger wrote:

imo that's where it starts and where it ends .
if after knowing the other party for as little as three weeks (!) , a person decides that it is now all in the hands of the other party to decide whether or not a human being will be produced , i'll have to question whether that person is really grown up yet .
later saying "she said - he said" is not going to do any good .
who was there when the "agreement" was reached ? just the two of them !

as ebrown said : "In this case the man and the woman made a decision to have a physical relationship. The pregnancy is their equal responsibility. "

there is really nothing to add to that imo .
hbg

totally agree with hbg. it is just really sad that this pregnancy is shrouded in such unhappiness. if it is carried to term, this child will be heartbroken even before he or she draws her first breath.
and when the baby is an adult, it will suffer from depression, and other related mental health issues, and i will have to scratch my head to figure out how to put him/her back together.

just one more sad person on earth, 24 years from now....

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Son's girlfriend pregnant... obligations?

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