Dear Diary

Gary, please tell me this hasn't been broadcast in the local newspaper. I have today's paper, but have yet to look at it. Think I'll do so now.

ehBeth ~ thanks, but I don't deserve it.

Okay, nothing in the paper. I'm hoping Mapleleaf just realized the proximity of local news to me.

If I could somehow break into child advocacy as a career, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Since I'm now unemployed, I guess it's something I should look into. Hmmmmm.....

Rae, yes, there should be employment in that area...the question is are you interested enough to move. Have you considered some type of general thread on A2K in order to test the waters?

regrets over and over again.
Dear Diary:

I'm sorry that the whole situation is as it is now. My pride, my thoughts, my belief and my status lead to actions which hurt a wonderful person who didn't not deserve to be hurt, and destroyed a friendship which could have been beautiful. I'm sorry that I now never have the opportunity to tell him about how I really feel about him and what could have been but now will never be.

I'm sorry that my stupidity hurt a person who I thought at first was awful, but now I see is one hundred times more beautiful than I could ever be. I'm sorry that my actions have resulted in this awkward, sad, distressing situation when all I had to do was extend the hand of friendship and avoid what is now. I wish I could explain my side of the story to him and let him decide whether he wants to have anything to do with me. And I wish that I could have this opportunity, but know I never will.

I wish I had my time over. If I had my time over, I would have taken drastically different actions, saving both of us the pain and distress we are both suffering now. If I had my time over, I would have never wanted to see him, notice him, and save him from the trap he is in now, and is my fault.

But I don't. And now, I can only wish that he forgets me. I wish that he would set himself free and find someone who truly deserves him. Someone who will appreciate his wonderful personality and character, his caring and kindness - a thing I never learnt to do. I hope he finds someone who can do all that I could never do.

I don't want his affections or love, only his forgiveness. I wish I could ask him for his forgiveness, forgive my awful actions towards him. When I knew that he was on my side, I rejected it and hurt him and I wish I had the opportunity to talk and ask him for forgiveness. But I don't. Somehow this awful position has twisted and turned to the point where we can't talk to each other so we'll always be in a confused position, each having difficulties but not being able to express it to the other.

I don't blame him if he doesn't forgive me. I will never blame him. He was extremely kind and supportive and caring for me and for this alone, I owe him. My not blaming him if he never forgives me will not clear this debt - I owe him a debt which, in this current situation, can never be repaid.

My expressing my thoughts here has made my head clearer. But this situation is so difficult. Until now, I never realised the importance and what a difference forgiveness can make to a person. If he did tell me he forgave me and meant it, I would be a different person. But now, I have a burden, a burden which I may have to carry on for the rest of my life.

To finish off, a few lines from Sheryl Crow's song "Always on your Side" which expresses my emotions perfectly:

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it Close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away,
Leavin me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side.

And this burden will always result me in wondering through this life. Wondering whether if I did things differently, something beautiful may have flowered, instead of this awful, sad mess.

Regrets.

Regrets, may you both find peace.

Rae, *hugs*
You've done so much for those kids. They deserve to have happy and healthy childhoods. You have made a huge difference in their young lives. I hope their mother straightens herself out and realizes that having the children taken away from her is the best thing that could happen for all involved.

Regrets I¨m betting you can probobly fix it unless he¨s already married, that is if you want to.

No he's not married. And I would like to fix it, in the form of a good friendship and nothing more. To extend beyond friendship would create too much conflict and misunderstanding. Maybe everyone says that they would like to be friends only, but I am serious - we are two different people, too different people.

Thanks anyway.

Hello Pit...does me heart good to see you in print.

regrets,
Though the situation is painful, it is good that you chose to write. We know our limits of helping, but we also understand the power of the written word...many of us have done the same.

Thank you, Marycat.

Both kids are doing well. My star calls me every other day to make sure I'm okay and to talk about things she's not comfortable discussing with her Dad and step-mom yet. The child doesn't know it yet (at least as far as I know) that her mother is less than five miles from her and hasn't bothered to contact her. That's about as sad as it f**kin gets.

But both kids are adjusting considering what they've been throgh.

And I'll always be here for them.

regrets~

I am a recovering Catholic. And I will die that way.

But, what I know from the church is that you only need God to hear your story and ask for forgivenes. And you don't need a clergy person to do this.

It will be difficult, but wouldn't you rather ask this person for forgiveness than go through life regretting the chance. No matter what the outcome, you'll be a better person for it.

God bless and God speed, my friend.

You can do this/

Hello all:



Hi Mapleleaf - thank you for your encouragement and understanding of my need to write down how I feel. After my particularly long post I did feel better as it allowed me to write down my feelings and clear my head and heart. You have made me feel very welcome as I had doubts at first whether to put the post in at all - it didn't seem very nice for other people to read all about my troubles. Thank you once again.



Hi Rae: I too am a Catholic and yes I have heard about asking God for forgiveness by yourself. Although I cannot talk to this person anymore (he outright avoids me) I include him in my prayers every night to God, asking Him to protect this particular person and give him a good life. I also ask God to let this person know how sorry I am and I wish things turned out differently.

You are right, it would be better to ask for forgiveness directly. But he's angry with me. I don't blame him but realistically its difficult to ask for forgiveness when the person is angry at you. I hope to give everyone some time and let things settle and after that, if he still wants to see me, I will give another attempt to be good friends and I hope he will accept it.

Thank you for your advice and for your time, when you too appear to be burderned with personal difficulties. I appreciate it.

checking in

Hey Rae!!!

still heavily addicted to other game

regrets,
Hope to read you again....if something good happens, write about it too.

Like all websites, we have our crazies...but we've managed to handle most of them. This I do know; there are a lot of wise folks on A2K. Hang around a while and you'll find them <smile>.

Dear Diary,

Life's OK. Learning to live with depression and still be productive is an hourly experience. Luckily, I'm married to someone who helps instead of hurts.

In a couple of weeks, Mrs. Mapleleaf and I will fly to Denver on AirTran. Then, we ride over hill and dale until we arrive at SNOW MOUNTAIN RANCH. At that point, I'm told our living quarters will be level with the clouds, s...t. Bear, deer and various wild creatures will stare at us through the windows; breathing will be difficult (at first); and we will be hiking distance from the CONTINENTAL DIVIDE...(not for me it won't).

B. and I just had our 25th wedding anniversary...this doesn't include the years we were married the first time (to someone else). Hey Pitter, are you on your second one?
Any way, our daughter-in-law got everyone to show up. B. enjoyed finding the tea shop and I shaved, showered and put on clean clothes, which is good for me <grin>.

I sure would like to hear from some of the old Dear Diary gang. Really, I would!

Mapleleaf - you never actually sound depressed to me. Your wife must really make miracles...... Have a lot of fun out west.

25th wedding anniversary - that's great news!!

Wow, Mapleleaf! Congratulations!

25 years is a long time.

Dear Diary,

I have a happy, full belly. Last night we had a few friends over, and I served a lemon basil pesto pasta salad with roasted mushrooms and sun dried tomatoes, tomato salad with fresh basil and balsamic vinaigrette, locally grown green and purple peppers with onions, garlic, and parsley, three kinds of sausages, olives, cheese platter, and sliced baguette. I grew the basil I used in the pasta and tomato salads.

I followed that with a super delicious lemon cake with lemon icing, which I served with perfectly ripe sliced strawberries. (I wanted raspberries, but the organic strawberries were less than $4 for a pound, and the raspberries were more than $4 for a half pint. So I went with strawberries.)

It was delicious.

I had some leftover pasta salad and sausage for lunch. I sent T in to work with the same, plus six nice slices of cake so he can share with his coworkers.



I have a lot of cleaning to do. The landlord was here to fix a few problems, and in the process he was standing on my stove and sweating everywhere. I am grateful to (finally) have a screen back in the kitchen window, but I've got a lot of extra cleaning because of it.

I did SO MUCH cleaning and unpacking yesterday. It almost looks like people live here now. I'm pretty proud. But I reinjured my back, so today I'm taking it slow.

Hello Mapleleaf yes on I´m on my second one, three years into it. And let me echo others and wish you congratulations on your twenty fifth. I´m on a mountain too but I sure would like to see the ones in Colorado again someday. Saludos to the deer and the buffalo.