Dear Diary

Thanks, Pitter.

It is going surprisingly well, actually. This is certainly not easy, but I am making absolutely sure to really learn each lesson as I come to it this time. No quick fixes. No shortcuts. No slipping back into old self-destructive habits. And absolutely, positively, no trying to make myself into something I'm not for someone else's benefit.

No pretending to be happy when I'm angry. No pretending to share someone else's dreams when I just plain don't. No putting off my own dreams indefinitely just to fit into someone else's master plan.

Also, no letting anyone sell off my things, nor letting anyone weasel me out of thousands upon thousands of dollars I don't even have. No more naivete. I won't let myself become too jaded, no matter how long it takes to pay off all this debt he gave me, but I won't be naive either.

I'm very lucky to have a few really good friends up here to help keep me going.

And somehow, out of the wreckage that the last several years became, I seem to have pulled true love. Cool, huh?

Marycat, that sounds very determined! Good for you! Very good...

And true love - what could be better? I'm sending my best wishes for a bright future.

Dear Diary,

It is 6:15 pm, I am sitting in the office with nothing to do but wait for a fax to come through so that I can send it on to my boss in Tokyo. How stupid is this? The sun is shining and I want to leave now. Do I really have to call this guy again and tell him to please fax that stuff? What is unclear in 'Please fax it back to me right away'?

Ok, I called him. Fax machine seems not to be working right. Gave him number in Tokyo.

I am going home now! There!

Urs53 I don't think people should have to work in offices when the sun's out. Call him back and tell him to fax it on the next overcast day instead.

Yeah, you are absolutely right, Pitter. And our summer this year is not so great anyway. So we have to use every sunny minute!

Today it's also very nice outside and I am determined to leave early!

**** **** ****

A. just called tonight with an emergency. A second tooth had broken off, part of it (first one a coupla months ago). She isnt insured - you've got to first have your teeth fixed before you can get a dentist insurance, they wont take you if you've got urgent stuff waiting to be done, and she hasnt had the money to go. She doesnt know what to do ...

... I've been so proud of having, very slowly, gotten to start paying off some of the huge debts i'm in ... I have some old debts, from student times mostly, and then we made a lot of new ones when we were together, living together, and she wasnt allowed to work here yet .. My salary just wasnt enough for the two of us, so we borrowed (well, i borrowed), just like i'd done to lend her the money for her ticket here and all the papers and stuff. Since we split up and she went to live on her own i've been managing to pay off 60-70 euro a month, on average ... lately, 160 euro a month even.

Not that i'm living on dry bread, mind you - i may be in the bottom 20% of my country or something, but i have been enjoying the opportunity, since i am on my own again and my wages dont need to cover two people anymore, to buy some nice clothes again for the first time and stuff ... but i'm still being a lot more frugal than i used to be, no holidays, hardly ever a book or cd, never dine out, no concerts or theatre - stuff like that. So by now i've managed to get down some 700 euro away from the max of my credit line ...

<shrugs> I offered to pay for the dentist ... what else could i do? She's working full-time now, but in a warehouse - its been through hell and fire for her to get any job, not speaking dutch well and so on, its good that she has this one now, but it earns very little ... barely enough to pay for rent, food and basic stuff. She just doesnt have some hundreds of euros lying around for the dentist. Cause it could well be several hundreds of euro - perhaps most of the money i just paid off towards my debt ...

It sucks. I feel really childish fretting about this - dont even think I'm not ashamed writing this stuff. She hasnt got any money to spare, her teeth are breaking for chrissakes, she's in a panic about it, and so would i be - ive been there, when i had big teeth problems i was totally in a panic about it. And she's got noone who can help. Her best friend here is a student, her mother is on welfare, her sister is working odd ends trying to get into the army or something like it. Noone else to turn to, so who else is gonna help? I can borrow a couple of hundred again now from the bank - she would never get a loan i dont think, with her job.

But this money's really been eating away at me -- next january, i will most probably myself be unemployed, because our organisation will probably stop existing, and the >10 thousand euro i am in debt will hang around my neck like a millstone. I've been really, really relieved at every hundred-and-sixty euro that was paid off to the debt that i managed not to withdraw again straight away. And there's the two thousand she already owes me - i paid for her course in hungary early this year, when she went to get her tefl certificate - we were sure that would help her get a proper job, and it would have, in any non-english speaking country except holland, apparently. The size of the money she owes me also makes me panic whenever i look at it, especially cause, you know, she is an ex, not my gf ... we do still fight often enough and all that, its all still tricky enough ... But what can i do? She pays little bits back to me whenever she can, too, even from the little she earns ...

I sometimes wonder how other people do this ... Everyone seems to have a parent or an uncle or a friend or something to jump in when a real emergency comes up. I know that if it happened to me, my teeth breaking at a time when i couldnt get insurance, and even just had f***-all to live on, that my father or sister would come to the rescue, or at least lend me the money for the time being ... She just doesnt have any of that back-up. Except me - her ex. Well, i'm not just her ex, i am her friend too ...

**** **** **** ...

<shrugs>

gotta do what you gotta do, i guess, eh? <grimace>



i'm just venting btw, you know ... had to express myself, and dont wanna bother family with this, or tell friends that have met her too ... better an anon board <nods>.

Well, nimh, those are some real problems. I don't have any advice, just some unreal problems. Soon enough I may have some real problems of my own (my husband's company is laying off *again*).

I asked my husband about marital relations later tonight. He said 'uh, maybe...'. Then asked me if I had developed a 'flushing phobia'. 'Oh, no, I didn't again, did I'. Apparently I had. Oh well, 2nd time. According to him it wasn't the 2nd time, I've done it numerous times in the past month. Ack! No wonder he said 'maybe'. That and tonight's a gym night. I forgot about that, too. I must be getting early-onset Alzheimer's.

~~~

Speaking of ALzheimer's, I've been reading a lot of books about the brain lately and it seems that every other paragraph they mention some famous work done at my Alma Mater. I even met one of the famous researchers. I really did not appreciate what a special place I was in when I was there. I did not take advantage of the opportunities I had. As someone once said to me, 'You're always a day late and a dollar short'.

~~~

I want to get rid of my cat. Find him another home, I mean. Though I have thought about wringing his little neck from time to time. He's an aggressive cat, always has been. We usually keep my dd and him apart but have been trying to 'normalize' relations a bit by having them together. I let the little bugger in from the garage (his domain) this afternoon 'cause the thunderstorm was freaking him out. While I was on the phone, my dd approached him and instead of running under the couch he scratched her.

Aw, nimh, I feel for you! But I would probably have done the same (assuming I had the cash! :wink: ) but I'd feel resentful, too. You're in this position because you're a caring person & also because you've been saving for the future. And the last thing you want is to appear mean with money! Your friend obviously doesn't save, but knows you do! I'd try to make it clear that you're not going to be able to do this again (& perhaps she should try saving for future mishaps? ) She sounds rather self indulgent, so I hope that she appreciates you're making a considerable sacrifice in this instance. Because you are. I just hope that she's as as good a friend to you in the future & also that she pays you back!

Hope you find him a good home, bromeliad! Poor puss in obviously in the wrong place!

Dear Diary
The children here learn to dance at the same time they learn to walk. It's really quite phenomenal and explains why almost every adult is by US standards an expert dancer. My wife's niece who just turned eighteen has a baby who at this point can stand but not advance well afoot with out help. However several generations of adults around him call out "baile baile" whenever there is music blaring which in their barrio is usually. It astonishes me that he may have some inkling of what they mean since he seems to waddle and smile in response to their urgings and the music. Another relative, my brother-in-law has a nine year old who could put the adult Michael Jackson to shame (well…more shame than he's already put to). In the US it seems to me most of the disco dancing is pretty undisciplined and dance styles just run together. Here in Colombia the national dance that EVERYBODY dances expertly is "salsa" and it's extremely disciplined. I've tried and tried and it's hopeless. I think it's easier to learn Spanish than to dance "salsa". With both you really need to start at about three months. "Merengue" is the only dance here that an untrained gringo can get away with since you just swing your hips from side to side to the beat of the music. I had my first lessons in the Dominican Republic which helped a little. On the coast here they dance a lot of "vallenato", also difficult and "champeta" Colombia's "dirty dancing". Every party from childrens birthday parties to adult get togethers includes dancing. They're just fanatic about it. What's amusing though is their waltz. That's obligatory at wedding receptions and it's the only time they attempt it. Most have no idea how it goes and just step to the left then to the right in time with the music. I tried to show my wife and she had as much trouble with the waltz as I have with salsa. I think it's just too "simple" for them.

msolga,

We adopted him right before we found out we were going to have a baby. He was separated from his feral family early; he was found being barked at by dogs when he was four weeks old. From what I've heard, it is at around this age that the mama cat starts teaching her young ones 'manners', so he never learned his. He has very nice markings, is fixed, and up to date on his shots. PM me your address and I will get him a one way ticket 1st class cabin seat to Australia.

OK, you're on! Send him COD!
Hey, I wasn't meaning to upset you, bromeliad. Honest. It sounded like the wrong place for the critter, that's all. If I offended you, my apologies. I have this unfortunate tendency to consider cats as important as people! :wink:

No offense. You are perfectly correct, this is the wrong home for him. He ought to be on a farm in the country, one with no kids under 5.

And I wasn't kidding about shipping him off to you. I would gladly pay $$$ if I knew he were going to a good home.

Thanks, bromeliad, but I don't think the poor critter would exactly enjoy a long flight to Australia, then an extended period in quarantine! :wink: But all the best in finding him a home that suits him & his new owners.

Ho hum, not the perfect day to be beginning something like this but here goes. I woke up today feeling rather merry, not ecstatic, but content at least. I had plans, you see, to go out tonight with my best friend.

Unfortunately, my dog had other plans. He happened to leave a rather large patch of drool on my kitchen floor today (he's really very good at drooling, we're all very proud of him). I did not, however, notice this tractionless stretch until it was too late. Upshot? I am not going anywhere tonight. Probably not tomorrow either due to the fact that my poor ankle was forced to conform to a shape to which it is most unaccustomed. It is even now protesting violently.

Hmm, maybe this is karma for having a shot at cavfanciers dream (hope your ankle's feeling better now cav, 'cause mine sure aint!)

Dear Diary,

It's a gorgeous summer Sunday - well, actually, the evening of this day. I spent some time in the garden of my friend's house that I am watching while they are on vacation. Very nice! And I just bought a nice looking pair of shoes at ebay for just EUR 8,20 all in all :-)

My concern at the moment, however, is that a friend told me that he and his wife have problems in their marriage. He doesn't really know who to talk to about this except me. Well, looks like some hard thinking is coming at me... Of course, I want to help them since I like them both and don't them to have problems. Oh my... I am so glad and thankful to be in a relationship that works so well for both of us.

And now I will make myself a nice little dinner to end this weekend which was really great. I went to a movie on Friday with a friend and afterwards we were sitting outside La Pergola for a glass of Prosecco. Saturday I had a wonderful pizza there and later on we went to a very fun party out in the middle of nowhere with a big bonfire, loud music and lots of people.

So off to the kitchen now!

Urs I think you've got the life!

What a doll. I know cause we met. And Urs, you deserve your charming beau too.