Dear Diary

Misti26 thank you for the well wishes. The only time I really need nerves of steel here is when driving in the city.

Pitter...I answered your question days ago...alas, it does not appear on this thread.

I will return to the birds...however, there have been some changes in life style...some days I look back and say...Oh, I've stopped THAT and started THAT???

Interesting...

Dear Diary,
My life is a roller coaster these days. I just want it to calm down and level out for a while!
The new job didn't work out as I'd hoped.
Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment at the agency I used to work for. Perhaps they will have something for me soon. I will also begin looking into teaching summer school, if it isn't already too late, and I will also get back out there and apply with restaurants again.
I need to look at everything that happens as a temporary setback, and not as a complete disaster.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Something better must be right around the corner...

Yep, that's my theory!
I hope that "something better" arrives quickly for you, marycat ... Good luck!

Thanks, msolga!

The appointment with the agency went well this morning. I did so well on the tests they gave me that they want me to come back tomorrow to be certified in a couple different pieces of software.

I also have an appointment with the career services department at the university where I went to graduate school.

Perhaps I've been just going and going and going in restaurants for a little too long, and I need to take a little break before going back...

fingers crossed for marycat!

Do you ever get so f***ing angry that you just really, really, want to hit something, want to smash something to f***ing tiny pieces?

I wonder how that works for people who can actually act on that. Who can express it and not care. Who will end up smashing the place up - or worse.

I couldn't ever hit someone. Just can't, like I'm unable to. The thought doesn't even materialise, preemptively derailed at some immediate switch and disconnected. Instead, I turn helpless, just crumble, reduced to this whimpering heap of panic and fear and a desperate need to be reassured. Just turn ****ing six, like a kid -- talking like a kid, walking up and down the room muttering little sing-songs. Anger transformed into pure, utter helplessness - no, that's not right: fear at the anger, startled panic at my own feelings, transformed into pure, utter helplessness. Or perhaps it's just an escape from the unavoidable sneers and annoyed sighs and tight-lipped words of implicit resentment that puts bitter loneliness in place of the blow. Soon it has me, if at all possible, calling for help, a place to hide out at - looking up some blanketed corner to curl up in and, if there's noone to lie by, perhaps make a drawing, or something. And soon, feel an overwhelming grief. And/or fall asleep.

Or instead - perhaps when I'm slightly stronger on my feet (when I don't have this need to immediately give in, make up, and make sure everything's still OK) - my anger becomes disembodied, a kind of orphaned energy, raging in the air. It becomes a separate, autonomous thing and the person I'm angry at is automatically disattached from it, reverting to who (s)he was before, or is in general -- for example, an ever so sweet girl, who's also just a victim of so many fears, insecurities and misunderstandings. I'm angry at her, but simultaneously, immediately, can see everything from her side too, all the stuff that makes her also just another innocent. So I just freeze, shaking - disconnected from everything around, everything outside of me, myself and this headless force tearing through me. Staring into some shopwindow, not seeing anything - moving my hands, arms involuntarily - turning in circles, looking around the corner as if something's there (almost believing I did see something there) - con-fu-sed. Staring hard at a lamp, a doorway, empty -- turning into a cage.

I - never - do - anything; I just can't, so instead, apparently, I rage inwards, reducing myself to some shivering stutterer, standing there like I've gone halfwit or something. Like some mental patient, rocking in his chair or involuntarily shaking his head like it's rattling one of those kid toys.

I mean, I can yell, I can fight. But not, not lately, when I'm really, really angry. The moment I turn to someone, I smile and realise that, you know, dont want to spoil the evening or anything, dont want to hurt someone who's rattled him/herself and also just did his/her best - so I nod an apologetic nod, stutter some words that seem OK and harmless, excuse myself, try to take my leave (as if they'd leave me in this state, though they should). When someone passes by, I politely nod and smile and act like all's fair. It's not even like I wish I could scream and somehow, cannot - I don't even wish to, not aware of it in any case, not until later - not until later, when I get to wanting to really, really scream - all I know at the moment is that I'm feeling crazy, moving in jerks, staring at something in order to blank myself out and freeze my energy - dis-harm it. It's probably for the better, but I feel humiliated at every half-hearted compromise of an apologetic smile.

What the f***. I wish I was just another guy, just another random guy. Acting out, I might have ended up punching someone in the nose in some pubbrawl at some point (and, with my size, probably getting punched back and passing out) - but at least not tearing into myself like that, tearing myself down to disharm myself to the point of turning ****ing five, or loonie.

Go figure.

I'm even worse then you Most of the times I exactly match your feelings and behaviour, but few times I got into fight (always with extreme jerks) and although fact that I was so incredibly pissed off was really bad news for them I always regreted it later.
I mean, generally I am pacifist, but I am from Balkan also Nothing wrong with good fight now and then. But, I can kick a** of the most annoying bastard in the world and I will feel so sorry and sad later.

So, better enjoy yourself nimh, you might feel even worse once when you actually DO something

hmmm ... yeah?

thanks for replying.

Nimh intense anger is a bummer isn't it? There's just no positive up side with it. Anyway what were you so angry about?

Nimh anger takes way to much energy and the results of all that emotion are usually pitiful. Be glad you did not act on it or it would still be dogging you.

Once years ago a family gathering I saw a relative look at her son age 13 like she could have killed him except for all the witnesses. I was relieved to see that I was not the only mother who had that kind of anger at my own child also a 13 year old.

Dear Diary,

Today I am very sad. Yesterday my sister's mother-in-law died completely unexpectedly. She was one of the kindest people I know. I will miss her very much.

urs53
urs53, unexpected death can be very shocking. Expected death can be shocking, too, but at least there was no long suffering for the deceased and those who loved them. For that you can be greatful. My daughter-in-law's mother just died in the last stages of ALS (Lou Gherig disease) and it was a very hard death for her and for her family. Unexpected sudden death may be a blessing, especially if it comes at the end of a long life.



BBB

BumbleBeeBoogie, you are right - I am very thankful that she did not have to suffer. And it was what she wanted for herself, too. She was 65 and helped out in the kitchen of a small restaurant. There she just dropped to the floor and that was it.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Dear Diary
Well I bought the house up in the cloud forest I posted about earlier. The safety issue I was worried about has been answered to my satisfaction: there is no guerrilla presence. Also for those who read my dilema on the "relationships" thread: I ended up buying with no pre or postnup protection.

There are really only two options for owning property in the country as I see it. If you buy acreage, five or ten say you better plant something on it and sell the product and it better appear that it's an activity you live off. Otherwise you will be pegged as rich and become a desirable kidnap target and more so by spades if you're a gringo. The other option and the one I chose since I don't want to be bothered raising and selling chickens like a Dutch friend of mine is buy a "casa campestre" or country house on an acre or two. This of course means you have means but not so much as if you had large acreage lying idle. While the house is paid for I will take out a loan against it for some expantion and remodeling. This fact when/if the people in camouflage come across it (they can dig in to just about everything on their computers) will take me down some important notches on the "how rich?" scale.

A fact of country living not encountered in Noth America is that almost every country house and virtually all that are weekend places will have a "mayordomo" or "cuidandero" or groundskeeper since an empty unguarded house will absolutely be a theft target right down to the plastic pipes. The mayordomo receives a "salario minimo" which is about $137 a month plus one months salary extra each year, a health plan for himself and his family, paid vacation and inscription in a recreation plan for his kids. Additionally as in my case you can pay his wife extra to do housecleaning. His/their lodging is a small house on the property or rooms attached to the main residence. His salary and benefits come to about $228 a month. This is all legally required. Since country houses have extensive flower gardens his primary responsibility is taking care of them. It is up to the owner of course but customarily he has a vegetable garden on the property and in many cases some more extensive crop. In my case he has about a fifth of the property devoted to raspberries. I don't know if he's selling them or not.

On my property there are indeed extensive gardens but there is also a corner, maybe third of an acre that is more or less uncleared natural forest. This part and all the standing trees elsewhere is loaded with native bromeliads and orchids. Most of the orchids I've seen so far are rather high up and out of reach of my camera. Here's a picture. You can just see the house if you peer through the bromeliad leaves. Hey anyone know of a good key for identifying Colombian bromeliads?

Very nice!

I don't know the name of my Colombian cousin; I'll see if I can find a key for you.

I'm glad the safety issues are all cleared up.

If your mayordomo decides to retire, please PM me. I'd like to send in an application.

That is absolutely breathtaking, Pitter! Wow!

nimh, I hope your anger has subsided and the source of it has been resolved. Being paralyzed by anger and the fear it breeds just plain sucks. I know. I have been both the bearer and the unintentional cause of such frozen fury myself. It's terrifying.

*hug*

As for me, I've gone through an almost complete mental, physical, and spiritual breakdown over the last few months, well, years really, and am rebuilding.

I'm temping, and looking for jobs starting in the fall. I need to do something that feels productive, something that makes a difference in my life and in the lives of others. Looking mostly in schools and non-profits. I don't know how I survived for so long without doing anything to feed my soul, but I won't try that one again.

Dear Diary
It's too funny. Tomorrow is independance day and every house is required to display both the flag of the country and the city flag. If you don't you will find a fine added to your electric and water bill at the end of the month!

urs,
*hug*

Pitter, interesting that you are required to celebrate your nation's independence by losing your own freedom of expression...

Next week in Boston, we will celebrate the democratic process by losing even more of our freedom from unreasonable search and seizure.

Marycat hope the "rebuilding" is going well.