8 months of marriage, and we are scheduled for counselling

farmerman wrote:

Remember, a counse;or is merely a facilitator. They (mostly) only help you uncover the answers you already know inside. Dont be afraid to acknowledge the truth in what youre sharing.

i am still sort of daunted by the thought of our impending session.

farmerman wrote:

Youve given us here some information that, if you go back and reread, maybe youll have a personal light bulb go off. Im concerened that you, as an individual must learn to have a life that doesnt necessarily include your husband. Why not followsome of your own dreams?

i can leave him alone. and i can emotionally walk away from this marriage. my dreams would lead me to other states, and countries. we could embark on a long distance relationship...but if that was an option, why did he propose marriage?!!!

i know this is not the tone of your question, and i understand what you are saying. i am infact trying to hobble my way back into not reflexively thinking of every choice as something that would be best for the BOTH of us...and try to think about myself, a little more. it's hard though, because i have made a commitment to a partnership - so i feel like i am breaching a core contract...

ahhhh...tired....

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jazzieB123 wrote:

Hey hofts,

Before I dash out, investigate this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Ourselves-Voice-Dialogue-Manual/dp/1882591062

and

http://www.delos-inc.com/

My friend suggested these people as they helped him thru his marriage. Saved it actually.

A tip, if you want to buy books from Amazon (see first link) - buy them from the 'used' section. They're always in immaculate condition & about 10% of the RRP. I'm going to order the book, the DVD, the CD, anything I can get my hands on to educate myself about why my situation is the way it is. And to look at how to move forward.

jazzster

Jazz-- thanks for the links...will have to check the book out. perhaps this evening, at borders...
i am the queen of amazoning second hand books..not only do i get old out of print ones, but also most often books that are in fantastic condition for a song. love it!

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I feel like I'm reading a screenplay..

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ossobuco wrote:

I feel like I'm reading a screenplay..

really??

like a really loopy story line about a neurotic, incoherent, mellodramatic transplant?

or just a really boring, rambling one...

pray tell!

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I'm from LA, though I don't live there now. Bunches of us there see screenplays everywhere we look..

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ossobuco wrote:

I'm from LA, though I don't live there now. Bunches of us there see screenplays everywhere we look..

that must be a great state of mind.
where are you now? why did you leave so cal?

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ossobuco wrote:

I'm from LA, though I don't live there now. Bunches of us there see screenplays everywhere we look..

speaking of screenplays -- i have 3 awesomely unique stories (don't we all) that could easily be bestselling books, and 2 that could subsequently adapted into screenplays.

that's it! i shd quit moping and write the books, and then face the sad reality of rejection and ridicule. atleast it would keep me distracted for a bit.

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ossobuco wrote:

Just make sure you have a copy of passport, CDL- dmv, marriage license in some other place, and, hey, while you're at it, credit card info too.

Yah, this is a great idea osso Smile

I take 2 copies of everything and as I get new cards, info, licences etc, I take a copy & keep one in the US and post the other to an address in Oz where it goes into a file. I dont do this to be paranoid, I do it in case my copies here get lost, stolen, whatever. It's just sensible.

jazzo

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heartofthesun wrote:

speaking of screenplays -- i have 3 awesomely unique stories (don't we all) that could easily be bestselling books, and 2 that could subsequently adapted into screenplays.

Hey hofts,

It's not such a crazy idea to develop them somewhat at the mo to try to take your mind off things a little. Altho, I totally understand if you're not inclined to do so. Your brain sounds like it's going to explode.

Out of interest, what did your counsellor say about doing a "needs" list?? If you and your husb are set for a quiet weekend at home, mebe get out pen & paper and crank out such a list before Monday's appt? Or start a journal? (altho, if you do a journal, make sure you keep it somewhere safe obviously ... journals can do a lot of harm if found by others ...)

How are you doing today?

jazzie

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Well, I saw the parallels and divergences in Jazzie's and HoFT's dilemnas, and just made a jump re screenplay. But I suppose a screenplay would end up with some contrivance for the starring actors to all meet, blah blah blah.

Better a series of stories. In fact I've a book I'm not finished yet titled "The Country of Marriage" by Anthony Giardina; it's not the same concept, but slightly reminds me of this thread. As does a biographical book, Parallel Lives, author of which I forget.

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Oh, I left LA for financial reasons after divorce - another whole fairly complicated subject that I don't particularly want to get into, at least on this thread.

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ossobuco wrote:

As does a biographical book, Parallel Lives, author of which I forget.

Hi osso,

I hope it's not this one:

'Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives' by Alan Bullock.

lol. I digress. Smile

jazz

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jazzieB123 wrote:

ossobuco wrote:
As does a biographical book, Parallel Lives, author of which I forget.

Hi osso,

I hope it's not this one:

'Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives' by Alan Bullock.

lol. I digress.

jazz

hehehe....

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Nosirree...
back with a link or two.

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A2k amazon link for Parallel Lives

a2k amazon link for The Country of Marriage

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Thanks, osso. I checked out the links and the Country Marriage book sounds like something I might order this week. god knows, there's a wealth of material out there...I would love to get my husb to read up on some self development stuff, but you know ... that would seriously be pushing things uphill without any arms. lol

jazz

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My husband was a screenwriter - he didn't read fiction. So, whatever you say, I understand.

I'm not here to lead you two to depart from your spouses. I'd rather it work out.

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hey jazzie, osso -- the weekend has been a struggle. he came back into town friday, and while i can see that he is affected by what has happened between us (the distance and discord), he has been behaving in a manner that has been fairly mechanical. he does things that are thoughtful - insisting that we make the friday night dinner-drinks obligation with my friends, although he had just flown in from NY and was not feeling unwell; driving up with me to LA to see an old pal, walking me to my play and sit through it for the 100th time (not fun) - super sweet wonderful things, but there is NO tenderness in his actions any more. i have had a tight knot in my belly all weekend - something does not feel right anymore. i am so afraid..

anyway, will update after tomorrow's session. Sad

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Dearest hofts,

I'm sorry your weekend was like an out of body experience. (mine has been similar, but that's another story) How ghastly that your husb was so mechanical in everything he did, but on reflection, perhaps he is 100% scared to death too. Mebe he felt if he didn't do these things with you/for you that you'd rake him over the coals in the session? Perhaps he was covering his ass? Perhaps he wanted to be genuine in his actions - but didn't know how??

You've been so brave in coming this far - moving countries, giving up your single life, getting married, falling pregnant and etc. It would seem you chose to give up a lot to be together, but maybe your husb doesn't know what is required of him in terms of really opening up?

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that some issues get resolved ... I so hope it goes well - whatever "well" is in this situation.

jazzie

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jazzieB123 wrote:

Dearest hofts,

I'm sorry your weekend was like an out of body experience. (mine has been similar, but that's another story)

how so? how are you?

jazzieB123 wrote:

How ghastly that your husb was so mechanical in everything he did, but on reflection, perhaps he is 100% scared to death too. Mebe he felt if he didn't do these things with you/for you that you'd rake him over the coals in the session? Perhaps he was covering his ass? Perhaps he wanted to be genuine in his actions - but didn't know how??

all good points, J -- but how does one know. you had suggested that we sit down and sort of think abt what we will be talking abt this evening. i couldn't bring myself to do this, since he was silently resistant to any kind of conversation that involved us and our relationship. he does not seem sad, or anxious. he seems like he just does not care.

jazzieB123 wrote:

You've been so brave in coming this far - moving countries, giving up your single life, getting married, falling pregnant and etc. It would seem you chose to give up a lot to be together, but maybe your husb doesn't know what is required of him in terms of really opening up?

i do not know if he cares.

jazzieB123 wrote:

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that some issues get resolved ... I so hope it goes well - whatever "well" is in this situation.

jazzie

thanks for your good vibes. it sucks that through it all, i still want this marriage to work, so bad. i am still hopeful. but i think i am fooling myself.
will update you on this evening's session.

how are you doing? what's the latest at your end?

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8 months of marriage, and we are scheduled for counselling

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