Dear heartofthesun,
I am so pleased you have made this appointment - how did your husband react when you asked him to go? IMO it's a step in the right direction - either it will free you both up to go your seperate ways (if that's what you BOTH want) or it might help to bring you closer together and bridge the gap. There's no receipe for a happy marriage but Bella Dea's hit the nail on the head with communication at the top.
Out of interest, is the counsellor a man or a woman?
Does co-counselling mean there is a counsellor there for each of you??
These tips are only ideas. Please ring the counsellor beforehand & ask if doing any of these things is a good idea. I would hate to put up ideas that the counsellor says are NOT good things to do because afterall, what you are doing will affect the rest of your life. Know what I mean?
Afterall, you must keep things fair and give your husband the same opportunities to do some pre-work too. Otherwise, he'll feel ambushed. You do NOT want this.
Ideas:
- maybe take a short 'dot point' list of the things you want to talk about. Break the list into 2 sections - most important at the top (say 3 or 4 things) - then secondary things next. You may not get to the secondary list for weeks. Perhaps your husband wants to take a list too? Ask your counsellor (as I suggested above) BEFOREHAND if this is the right thing to do.
- get there 10 mins early if poss so you can both fill in any paperwork (address details, etc). This time may have already been factored in, but even if it has, try to be a little early on your first visit anyway.
- in the session, be calm. Don't turn it into a 'he said she said' thing (it's not a blame game). Give your husband time to answer questions - even if you disagree with him. Try not to talk over the top of him. Wait your turn. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to shout - don't. Take a deep breath instead. If you get so wound up & you feel sick during the session, tell the counsellor.
- comfort things. Maybe take a little bottle of water in case you get thirsty. Your little bottle can also serve as a distraction if you need to fidget with something out of nerves. They'll have tissues, but if you have a fave hanky, take it. If you need something extra, take a personal favourite thing which you love. A fave necklace, charm bracelet, photo of your mum, small teddy bear. Just knowing these little things are there can be comforting.
- be honest at all times, even if it hurts you to do so. But also try to be diplomatic, even if he is not.
- you and your husb should both be prepared to hear things you won't like. And some things you will
- both of you need to be commited to doing whatever homework the counsellor/s give you. As Bella said, the counsellor/s should guide you as to the session - I'm sure they'll guide you too re how to do the homework.
- when the session is over, ask the counsellor what they suggest the next step might be (ie: homework, then another visit? if so, can they suggest when that visit should be? Include your husband in all these conversations - don't just take over. Ask him what he wants to do. Involve him, consulting him in these negotiations is extremely important or he'll feel you are controlling, manipulating and/or ambushing him.)
- at home alone, long before you go to counselling, maybe write down your needs. ALL of them. Not wants, or desires - but NEEDS. Is 'safety' a need? 'Shelter'? 'Love'? 'Social connections?' This might help you to see what needs are not being met & what are. Lots of needs on your list does not mean you are 'needy' - it means you are learning about yourself. Remember, these are YOUR needs. Not his. Write down the most significant to the most outrageously silly. Get them all out. Even if you're out at dinner & you think of a need, scribble it on the serviette, add it to your list when you get home. Keep adding to your list & put it somewhere safe. I would not suggest taking this list to counselling, but use it to get to know yourself.
---
The honeymoon period? We had one but it was dashed quickly by a series of events that cut me to the quick. I hated watching 'happy couples' and wondering why our marriage wasn't as happy as theirs. Where was our honeymoon period? Why are they happy & we're not? But people will only let you see what they want you to see.
Do not compare your marriage with anyone else's. Lots of married couples want others to think they're happy. Sometimes they geniunely are. Sometimes they're not & they're just keeping up appearances. Think about your marriage, not theirs.
I don't know whether any of these thoughts/ideas are helpful but they are things I've learned while travelling life's highway.
As I say, PLEASE call the counsellor before hand and run these ideas by him/her before doing them. I am loathe to suggest anything which might only serve to work against you, or which the counsellor thinks is a really crap idea. Okay?
This is someone you are financially invested in. You can tell them as much or as little as you want, but I have found that the more you tell them, the better it is. They then have more to work with. However, if you are uncomfortable telling them something, say so. You don't have to bare your soul if you don't want to - but do try to help them to help you.
Finally, I have a friend who went to marriage counselling with his wife. They had to try 3 different counsellors before finding one they could both work with. You don't have to stick with a counsellor neither of you like or can't get along with, so just see how it goes. See if this is someone you can both work with.
I hope this makes sense and is somewhat useful. Making this appointment is a positive step and I wish you luck. Keep visiting here, ok?
jazzie
They come here asking for quick fixes and answers that only they and their partner can give or come here wanting us to validate their feelings on something. 
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