Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

About 50, isn't it?

Correct answer, CJ. I dunno. Californians? I'll bite. How many?

It takes 6 Californians: 1 to change the bulb, 1 for the support, and 4 to
relate about the experience.


How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but...


How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

I would have thought they would have had to have a ballot initiative first.

Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

So it could hide in the strawberry patch.

Boy, edgar, that's really going back! I think I was saying that one when I was four!

There was this mouse running through the jungle and suddenly he hears a scream of agony tearing through the moist, tropical air.

He decides to investigate and looks for the source of the noise. Soon, he enters a clearing and there is an elephant, obviously suffering, and still screaming.

"What is wrong Elephant", says the mouse.

The elephant looks down at the mouse and says, with tears streaming down his face, "I have a sliver in my foot, Mr. Mouse, and I can not get it out. The pain is unbearable and I believe I may perish if the sliver is not removed."

The mouse says, "I can probably help you out there, Elephant. Lift up your foot."

The elephant lifts up his foot and the mouse racing over, grabs the sliver between his teeth, and pulls it out. The elephant releases a sigh of relief and tells the mouth he owes him his life. He looks at the mouse and says, "Mr. Mouse, if there is ever anything I can do for you, let me know. I owe you big time for this one."

The mouse strokes his chin thoughtfully and says, "Well, there is one thing."

"What?" says the elephant.

"Never mind" the mouse says, "It's too stupid."

The elephant says, "I said ANYTHING, Mr. Mouse. What is it your heart desires?"

The mouse looks up and says in a quiet voice, "I've always wondered what it would be like to screw an elephant."

The elephant smiles and tells the mouse to wait a second. Then, she backs up to a large tree trunk approximately the same height as her prodigious backside and tells the mouse to climb onto the stump and start living his dream.

The mouse races up the trunk, excitement in his beady little eyes, grabs a hold of the elephant's backside and starts pumping away with a reckless abandon.

Up above in the tree canopy a group of monkeys begin to observe the love-makings session unfolding below them and a sense of voyeuristic excitement runs through them like an electrical current. They began jumping up and down in excitement and one of the monkeys disturbs a group of coconuts, causing them to break free from the tree and fall down onto the elephant's head.

Three coconuts hit the elephant square in the head and she screams in pain, "Ouch! Ouch! Arrrrgggh!"

The mouse, still pounding away, hears her screams and says, "Suffer, bitch."

That was cute, too, Gus... not nearly as bad as I'd hoped...

That was great, Gus! I'm sooo stealing that one!

But in the meantime:

One night a duck waddled into a bar. He hopped up on the bar and asked the bartender, "Ya got ham?"

"No," said the bartender. "We don't sell food here, only drinks." So the little duck left.

The next night the duck waddled back in, hopped up on the bar and asked the bartender, "Ya got ham?"

"No," said the bartender. "We only sell drinks here, no food!!" So the little duck left again.

But the next night, the duck came back again. Again, he hopped up on the bar and asked the bartender, "Ya got ham?"

"Look!!" said the bartender. "I'm getting sick and tired of this! It's like I told you -- we only sell drinks here, no food! Now -- if you ask that question one more time, I'm gonna nail your little feet to the bar!"

So the little duck left.

But the next night, he waddled back in again, hopped up on the bar and asked the bartender, "Ya got nails?"

"No!" said the bartender.

"Well then," said the duck......"YA GOT HAM?"

Heeeee!!!! (pounding paw on table) I don't know why.....but that cracks me up.....

Heh heh heh at YOU Straycat! I don't know why that would crack you up, either! lol

Are we talking teens who only wear black or the barbarians?

teens...

a despondant man walking along the beach has come to the sad realisation that his marriage is over, and there is no recourse but to tell his wife they need to get a divorce, as this thought dawns on him he lashes out and kicks an object laying buried in the sand

the object is revealed to be an ornate bottle, filled with an opaque substance suspiciously like smoke, as the bottle tips over the top dislodges, and the smoke pours out, magically solidifying into the shape of a man

i am the genie of the bottle, and i can grant you three wishes, but be warned, these wishes three come with a condition, whatever you wish will be bestowed twofold upon your betrothed

but i'm going to divorce my wife, i don't want to give her anything, the man exclaims

the conditions of the wishes, are as stated, no more, no less, the genie replies

the man thinks for a minute and then replies, oh well, i might as well go ahead, for my first wish, i want a 50,000 square foot mansion, overlooking a beautiful beach

instantly the man is transported to his new house, at the same time his wife finds herself, in a 100,000 square foot mansion over looking an even more beautiful beach

and for your second wish, the genie asks

i want a billion dollars, and instantly a bank book, proclaiming him to be the proud owner of one billion dollars appears in his hand, while at the same moment his wife recieves a book telling her she is now worth two billion dollars

and for your third wish, the genie inquires

the man thinks, and finally speaks, just to be clear, everything i'ved wished for, my wife has recieved the same twofold

those are the conditions, the genie replies, do you have a third wish

yes, says the man, scare me half to death

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a double whiskey. The bartender says, "Aren't you even going to say hi before you order your drink, Louie?"

The guy looks up and says, "I'm sorry, Ralph, you've been a good friend to me over the years and I've always considered myself to be your best customer and, well, I consider us to be buddies, but I just stopped in to have this one last drink and then I am leaving forever, never to come back to this godforsaken bar."

Ralph stares at him, not believing what he is hearing. "You ARE my best customer and best friend, Louie. Why would you want to leave forever?"

"Remember last Friday when I went back to the bathroom?"

"Friday? It was pretty busy, Louie. You can't expect me to remember every time a customer goes to the bathroom. What happened?"

"Well, I'm standing at the urinal, going about my business, and this big dude with a Chicago Bears jersey stands alongside me. All of a sudden he says to me, "Listen, punk, I want you to blow me and if you don't I will put a couple of bullets between your eyes."

There is a moment of silence as Ralph tries to digest this alarming information.

He stares at Louie, still unable to believe this sort of behavior could have happened in his bar.

He starts to wipe the bar with his towel, then looks up and says, "That is unbelievable, Louie. So then what happened?"

Louie slams his drink on the bar and screams, 'YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY FRIGGIN GUNSHOTS, DID YOU!!!"

LMAO, Gus!

Gus decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And Gus figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.

So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me', thinks the old rooster. 'I've got to do something about this.'

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on,' said the young rooster. 'And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy,' said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped alittle but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now Gus has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As Gus walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ 'Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Then there was the guy driving along who picked up a lady hitchhiker.

"Aren't you taking a big risk hitching?" he asked

"Oh, I'm not afraid" she replied "you see, I am a powerful witch."

He thought this was a bit cheesy, so he said "I see, if I misbehave I'll turn into a toad!"

She put her hand on his knee and he turned into a motel.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

How many rednecks does it take.....

Standard answer: Four; one to actually change the lightbulb, another to write a song about it, and two more to get into a fight over it in the parking lot.....