We should rename this thread "Really dad jokes"
The first thing in the world was a bed and a rock, and the bed slept on the rock because no one slept in it!
The first words that Adam said to Eve, were, "Just step to one side girl, I don't know how big this thing's going to grow.
Can't look at this meme the same way anymore having listened to this podcast.
One day during the week, some time ago, an older man walked into a bank to open a new checking account.
One of the assistant managers took him over to his desk away from the teller windows to set up the older man’s account.
At the desk next to the assistant manager, another employee was setting up a checking account for a young couple who were originally from Czech Republic. They had their rambunctious little two-year old boy with them as well, who was also originally from the Czech Republic, and he was crawling and scampering all around the bank.
The little boy wandered over to the older man who was opening the new checking account at the assistant manager’s desk and climbed up on his lap. He yelled, “Bounce!” at the man, indicating he wanted him to bounce the little boy on his knee. The man saw no harm in this and began bouncing him on his knee, as he had done with his children and grandchildren in the past.
Suddenly, the president of the bank and four police officers surrounded the man, and the police began to cuff him.
“What is it?” the main cried out. “What have I done?”
The police officer in charge of the arrest replied, “Don’t you know that it’s illegal to come into a bank and bounce a Czech?”
In memory of Barry Cryer.
A man was driving along a country road when a cockerell ran out in front of him causing him to run it over and kill it.
He felt guilty so he knocked on the door of the farmhouse and told the farmer he had run over the cockerell and would like to replace it. The farmer replied,
"Suit yourself, the chickens are round the back."
He's too polite to say that the golfer is also the worst golfer in the world.
Two hot blondes were sitting in a bar and a nice man offered to buy them drinks.
They said how many?
He said as many as you want.
Why is it when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she's a slut, but when a guy does it, he's all of a sudden gay?
There was a lowly pirate getting hassled who was trying to enter an airport bar in Tampa a few years back. Seeing grave injustice, I intervened. I told the hostess at the entrance of this bar across the way from Air Djibouti’s cluster of gates, “Leave this veteran of the high seas alone and do not prevent him and his technicolor emotional support pigeon from entering your fine establishment to refresh. Bring this Leftenant and hero of the people slices of lemon along with other geedunk and let him sit with me, so he, this Master and Commander before you, does not get scurvy and starve to death! And your finest grog, bring some of that too—can’t you see this—O Captain! My Captain!—is an O-6 and is parched and might die any second of extreme thirst?!?” The manager came out to see what kind of brouhaha was going down, apologized profusely and got us a seat where we could see coverage of the Tri Nations tournament, the NBA, and America’s Cup racing simultaneously.
I said, “Commodore, forgive them and also myself as well, because as we wait on our layover, I must know how a noble and senior ranking officer such as yourself got that peg leg!”
He said to me, “Yargh, we were marauding off the Barbary Coast and got into a wee bit of a sea skirmish with the Royal Navy patrol in those waters. They fired a cannon at me ship and the cannon ball took me leg off, yaaaarghh!”
So, I said, “This workmanship must bring about many admirers. At artillery range, no one can tell the difference—I’m sure about that—but what about the hook?”
He continued, “Yarghhh!!! This here hook is no good for me to hold me grog, yargh! We was a lootin’ and pillaging off the coast of Jamaica when we boarded a merchant ship and had to take the ship by force. Those scallywags put up a good fight, but lost me sword fighting hand in the process when me first mate tried to mutiny and we dueled it out, but I got his head instead! Yarghhh! That was last two years ago to the day! Yarghhhh!”
So, I said, “Your speech is of such high pedigree and your military acumen is so lapel-worthy it’s an honor to be in your presence. As you can discern, I went to the Air Force Academy not the Naval Academy as I suppose you have. Although I couldn’t understand much of any thing you just said, I think I got your drift, so to speak. It is good to hear that you have had some closure with your former first mate. What about the eye patch? You must tell me the swashbuckling adventure that led to that!”
He said, “YAAArgGH! Aye, me eye patch!”
We both stopped and laughed a bit at that, I was like, “‘Aye, me eye patch,’ sounded like you said ‘yes’ twice!”
He said, “Aye, yes, me patch. Twas a beautiful day at sea, not a cloud in the sky about a year and a half ago. I was calling up to the boatswain who was up on the Crow’s nest trying to get a view of any ships on the horizon to commandeer—yargh—and as I was looking up, a sea gull pooped and the poop flew into me eye—yargh!”
I inquired, “A sea gull pooped in your eye and that’s it!?!”
He said, “Yaargh! It wasn’t that ya landlubber!”
So, I sat aghast and on the edge of my seat and said with a slight quiver in my voice, “Admiral—my Supreme Allied Commander of Naval Forces—what was it then?”
He put his mug down, turned, and got real close to me, so our noses were almost touching, staring one eye into the other’s, one eye into an eye patch, and then he leaned back about half the distance he originally leaned in—with the stench of anchovies and spiced rum on his breath overwhelming me, I could tell that hadn’t brushed his teeth in several days—then he slowly raised his other as if to strike me down with vengeance and said, “YAAARGH! I was trying to clean out the poop from me eye, but I forgot about me hook!!!”
The point of my story is this: You never know when you will meet the Intergalactic Head of the Federated Starfleet Command’s Space Armada.
REALLY really bad - it certainly belongs on this thread