Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"

"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."

"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."

"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."

"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."

"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

The nun in a catholic school asked the girls what they wanted to be, and one young girl said that she wanted to be a prostitute, the shocked nun screamed at her student, 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?' and the girl replied, 'I said that I wanted to be a prostitute'.

OH! Thank heaven said the nun, I thought you said that you wanted to be a protestant.

The old Bishop had three sons, of which, two followed their fathers example and became Bishops themselves, while the third son was the black sheep of the family, who all met in the family home every Christmas.

On the morning after the first night, the old Bishop was standing before the fire place when one of his Bishop sons entered the room and the Father asked how he slept, wonderful replied the son, "I dreamed that I was in heaven", and what was heaven like asked the father, "Just like home said the son," then come and warm yourself before the fire said the Father.

Later came the second bishop son, who had also dreamed that he was in heaven, and heaven was just like home, he too was invited to stand before the fire with his father and brother.

Shortly after, the black sheep of the family staggered into the room after a big night on the piss, and how did you sleep asked the father, " Bloody terrible said the third son, I dreamed that I was in hell", and what was hell like asked the father, Just like home he answered, I couldn't get near the fire for bloody Bishops.

Three men are discussing about how dumb their wives were. The first bloke said that his wife was flat out boiling an egg, and yet she keeps buying cook books by the hundreds.

Talk about dumb said the second fellow, my wife has failed her driving test 15 times and I believe they told her not to come back, but now she's gone a bought herself a new car.

Well said the third man, my wife beats the lot. She was going on a cruise ship with some of her work mates, and when I looked in the traveling bag that she was packing, I saw a box of a dozen condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis, I mean, how dumb can they get.

I'd forgotten about this thread. Some old-timers on here and some pretty funny stuff for a bad jokes thread.

Driving through the west, and the wife and son were hungry, so I pulled into this rough looking Roadhouse, and the waitress who looked like a retired wrestler, barked out "Whatdaya want" so I asked for two hamburgers and a Hotdog, and she came back out with two frozen meat patties and stuck one under each armpit.

What the hell are you doing I said, "Meats frozen, micro-ovens busted, and it's the only way I can thaw them out she said."

Well you can forget about the Hotdog, I told her.

Same Joke as above, but told differently.

Two men in the middle of winter and freezing cold, go into a pub and ask the barmaid for two double rums, she then asks if they'd prefer milk or hot water in their drinks, both men agree to have milk, where upon, the barmaid pulls out her breast and squirts milk into their glasses, then one bloke turns to his mate and says; "Thank heavens we didn't ask for hot water."

legalize Updoc

The priest heard the drunk walk into the confessional booth, and after waiting a few minutes and he hadn't spoke, the priest gently knocked on the wall, only to hear the drunk say; "Don't bother buddy, there ain't no paper in this one either."

Crows may fly in the heavens, but rats don't get sucked into jet engines.

Why are people afraid of calenders?
Their days are numbered.

Why is the number ten so frightened of number Seven?
Because because 'seven ate nine".

The CEO of IKEA was elected president of Sweden.

He's still assembling his cabinet.

Oh, good one!

The young girl goes to confession and tells the priest that she had made love with her boyfriend seven times on the previous night.

The priest thought for a while, then told her to go home and drink the juice of seven freshly squeezed lemons, and the young girl asked; "And will that absolve me of my sin father?' to which the priest responded; "NO! But it will wipe that bloody smile off your face."

Three Irish blokes, Mick, Pat, and Tat, were at a bar, and the barman asked them if they were related. "Sure," said Mick. "We're triplets...". The barman said "How can you be triplets when you two are six feet tall, and that one is five feet nothing?"

"Well," said Mick, "Pat and I were breast-fed, so there was no tit for Tat..."