203
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Walter Hinteler
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Mar, 2021 01:43 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Ages ago, I'd visited the mother of the lady (and in-law of her husband, of course) a couple of times in a retirement home in Milford-on-sea ... with a nice view through the bushes towards the Needles.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Mar, 2021 01:54 pm
@Walter Hinteler,
Walter Hinteler wrote:

Ages ago, I'd visited the mother of the lady (and in-law of her husband, of course) a couple of times in a retirement home in Milford-on-sea ... with a nice view through the bushes towards the Needles.


Lucky you. Those great chalk cliffs look spectacular.
Walter Hinteler
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Mar, 2021 02:09 pm
@Frank Apisa,
They do, indeed. But were quite dangerous for ships, too.

https://i.imgur.com/ekOLBKp.jpg

Some info about the wrecks >here<
0 Replies
 
Builder
 
  4  
Reply Fri 12 Mar, 2021 10:45 pm
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED!!”
0 Replies
 
BillW
 
  6  
Reply Wed 17 Mar, 2021 11:51 pm
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  3  
Reply Sat 3 Apr, 2021 08:43 am
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your body has run out of magnesium.

Patient: OMG.
Walter Hinteler
 
  4  
Reply Sat 3 Apr, 2021 09:20 am
@lmur,
Two men are sitting next to each other in a pub. After a while, one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think you're from Ireland."
The other guy proudly replies, "Yeah, that's where I'm from!"
The first guy again, "So am I! And where in Ireland are you from?"
The other guy answers back, "I'm from Cork."
The first one again, "Hell yeah, me too! What street did you live on?"
The other guy replies, "Oh, in quite a great area. I lived up on MacCurtain Street."
The first guy says, "Yeah would you believe it, what a small world, me too! What school did you go to?"
The other again, "Well, I went to St Mary's School of course."
The first one all excited, "Me too! Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy replies, "That was in 1964."
The first one exclaims joyfully, "The good Lord must be smiling down on us! I can hardly believe our luck that we showed up at the same bar tonight. Believe it or not, I also graduated from St Mary's in 1964."

The landlord comes over shaking his head and mutters, "Looks like it's going to be a long night, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Frank Apisa
 
  3  
Reply Sun 4 Apr, 2021 09:07 am
Please...no Suez Canal jokes. That ship has sailed.
Walter Hinteler
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Apr, 2021 09:15 am
@Frank Apisa,
Indeed since the captains motto was: "Do it schooner rather than later!"
Walter Hinteler
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Apr, 2021 09:22 am
@Walter Hinteler,
An acquaintance just told me that he had booked a sailing course.
"Where" I've asked him.
"Poole".
"In Dorset?"
"No, it will only start when the restrictions are liftet."
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  5  
Reply Sat 10 Apr, 2021 05:42 am

https://iili.io/qsixaf.jpg
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2021 02:17 am

https://iili.io/qpf1HX.jpg
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2021 04:40 am
'What are you doing here? We had such high hopes for you! You could have been a CEO. A Senator. President even. Instead you're here in Seaworld feeding the baby dolphins. Do you not see that you''ve wasted your talents?'

'I disagree. I serve a youthful porpoise.'

0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2021 02:59 pm

https://iili.io/qp1BS9.jpg
BillW
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2021 03:21 pm
@Region Philbis,
I thought they were cannibals!
https://i.etsystatic.com/18765418/d/il/d082c6/2966489509/il_340x270.2966489509_i6el.jpg?version=0
https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-e426cb0afc3475271afc6316e9e99585
0 Replies
 
BillW
 
  3  
Reply Sat 17 Apr, 2021 03:34 pm
Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Apr, 2021 11:35 am
The pubs opened yesterday so I went out for a beer.

When I got to the bar the landlord didn’t ask me what I wanted, he just said,”abgn.”

That’s bang out of order.
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  3  
Reply Sat 24 Apr, 2021 01:35 pm
It's little-known fact that Kermit the Frog was actually born in Warsaw. As a baby he was a tad-polish.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Apr, 2021 08:38 pm
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/e0/17/75/e01775fe331399b8bda136cf524731a3.jpg
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Apr, 2021 08:42 pm
@Walter Hinteler,
Walter Hinteler wrote:

Two men are sitting next to each other in a pub. After a while, one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think you're from Ireland."
The other guy proudly replies, "Yeah, that's where I'm from!"
The first guy again, "So am I! And where in Ireland are you from?"
The other guy answers back, "I'm from Cork."
The first one again, "Hell yeah, me too! What street did you live on?"
The other guy replies, "Oh, in quite a great area. I lived up on MacCurtain Street."
The first guy says, "Yeah would you believe it, what a small world, me too! What school did you go to?"
The other again, "Well, I went to St Mary's School of course."
The first one all excited, "Me too! Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy replies, "That was in 1964."
The first one exclaims joyfully, "The good Lord must be smiling down on us! I can hardly believe our luck that we showed up at the same bar tonight. Believe it or not, I also graduated from St Mary's in 1964."

The landlord comes over shaking his head and mutters, "Looks like it's going to be a long night, the Murphy twins are drunk again."


I love this joke, thank you Walter
 

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