Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade
lady in a bookstore tells the clerk "I'm looking for a book but I can't remember the title" Clerk asks "What's it about?" She replies "It's about a man with a really tiny penis". Clerk says "It's not in yet". "That's it!!!!" the lady shouts.
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the
church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was
crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult;
however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second
week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers,
prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free
of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of
paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed
that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and
I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man,
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either..."
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits the windshield?
A: It's ass.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
> Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
> He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
> "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
> "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
> "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
> "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."
> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith,
your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated
all this property".
> The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."
What's the difference between perverted and kinky?
A: Using the whole chicken instead of the feather.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"
Roger you made me laugh out loud again
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.