What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
Elk-a-seltzer
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
Go to a re-tail-shop
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts"
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe hoe hoe.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do angry mice send each other?
Cross-mouse cards!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"
"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."
What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
A mistle-"toad"!
What do lions sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
@Region Philbis,
Actually sorry--I must disqualify you...that made me laugh out loud.
@tsarstepan,
That's bad enough to merit honorable mention.
@tsarstepan,
Then he takes a huge bite out of the counter - and the barman says "Where's that bar bit you ate?"
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on
the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping
along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that
this man didn't have any arms at all.
j
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I
still have one good arm to do things with." He thought "There goes a man
with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his
life."
He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him
how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt
useless and was going to kill himself.. He thanked him for saving his life
and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with
no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
@hingehead,
That's wonderfully horrible (to me)
@edgarblythe,
So is that! (wonderfully horrible)
CAN’T FOLD A SHIRT? JUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS:
Tarzan wanted to have a woman.
Traveling from tree to tree, he captured a young woman who was bathing in the river. Tarzan took her to his tree and desperately tried to have sex with her.
With some bad aim, Tarzan was trying to have intercourse hitting the young woman's leg.
She felt pity for him, and smiling with compassion and understanding the desperation of Tarzan, she tried to correct him.
-Tarzan, the hole is not there. The hole is here.
Tarzan with his wounded pride continued trying to have sex in the leg area.
-Tarzan strong man, Tarzan make hole where he wants to make one.
You've got the "really bad" part down pat. Now if you could actually come up with a joke.
@Setanta,
Were any famous men born on your birthday?
(On mine, only little babies.)
Bram Stoker . . . that's kind of cool . . .
