Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I'm starting a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined...

"Hi, you've reached the incontinence hotline....

....can you hold, please?"

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work.
Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions.

The answering machine I bought didn't answer any questions either. When I brought it back to the store, they said I had to plug it in.

An IFEG noticed his inflatable sex toy had a puncture when he got it home.

He took back to the store yelling 'It went down on me straight away!'

They charged him an extra fifty.





*Insert Favourite Ethnic Group.

Did you hear about the inflatable sex toy about the man who blew it up so big, it smothered him to death!

Three women having lunch together with a bit of chit chat.

One woman points out a diamond bracelet she has on…and says, “My husband gave me this for our anniversary this year.”

And the woman next to her says, “Oh, that is so nice.”

The third woman, across the table points out a huge diamond ring she has on…and says, “My husband gave me this for our anniversary this year.”

And the woman who had commented on the diamond bracelet says, “Oh, that is so nice.”

After a short pause, the two diamond studded women ask the third, “So what have you gotten from your husband lately.”

“Oh,” responds the woman, “for my anniversary this year, my husband paid for a full scholarship at a finishing school for me.”

“Hummm,” reply the other two women, “So how did that go?”

“Very, very well,” she says, “if we were having this conversation last year, I’da told ya both to go **** yourselves.”

Three blondes are tottering through a wood on their high heels when they come upon some tracks.
"Like, we'd better be super-careful," says the first blonde. "These are bear tracks."
"Nah-uh," pipes up the second, "I'm, like, pretty certain these are deer tracks."
"Err, I don't think so, you guys," responds the third. "OMG, don't you know wolf tracks when you see them?"

They were still arguing when they were hit by the train.

That is too horrible, you need to fix it.

Is it something like, 'there's an elephant in the room?'

That one belongs on he Geek and Nerd Humor thread.

Andy, I have yet to understand one joke on the Geek and Nerd Humor thread. But I understood that one, so I think it's in the right place.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

...speaking of oldie-goldies...

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller

and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great....

some asshole's got my pen!'

http://able2know.org/topic/65501-110#post-5734084