Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,

BP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's one I made up myself--

What did the first posh lady to receive a surprise electric shock say?

What on earth was that?

You,

It's about your so-called joke; what on earth was that?

Can you not afford a scriptwriter ci?

I don't need one, but you certainly can use one!

One day a shop owner was stocking some shelves and an elderly lady came up to him and asks "Excuse me, where is the broccoli?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I am sorry ma'am, we are fresh out of broccoli at the moment. We should be getting some in tomorrow morning." He smiles and returns to his stocking.

A few minutes later, he feels a tug at his apron and he turns around and the lady is there again. "I cannot find the broccoli anywhere sir."

"That's right ma'am, we are out of broccoli. I told you we will not have any until tomorrow!" He turns back to his work again.

A few minutes pass and the lady comes back and gets right in his face "Where is the broccoli?!"

Exasperated, he says "Can you spell ma'am?"

"Of course I can." She replies.

"Spell cat as in catastrophe." he says.

"C-A-T" she replies.

"Ok, spell Dog as in dogmatic"

"D-O-G"

"Great," says the man. "Now spell **** as in broccoli."

"There is no **** in broccoli!" She exclaims.

"I know that lady! That's what I have been telling you all day!"

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.




Then I made the most difficult call of all: "I left my keys in the carand it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding me?"
he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well,
come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

Welcome to the golden years..............

Prepare for true Baaaadness...

Not bad enough? Try this one.
A girl goes up to her boyfriend and says, “I think we need to stop seeing each other. Everyone says you’re a pedophile.” The boyfriend says, “That’s a pretty big word for a 10 year old.”)

Shame on you. that's a funny joke.

FUTURE OF SCOTLAND

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum,
the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Lib.Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote 'No' For FUK's Sake!" They feel the Scottish people can relate to this, particularly those of Glaswegian origin!

What happened when Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/puns-for-english-nerds

What happened when a wigwam and a teepee walked into a bar?

It was too tense.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?


He had low elf-esteem.

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?

Weeder's digest!

What do you get if you cross an orange with a comedian?

Peels of laughter

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?

A red carnation

How do monkeys make toast?

Stick some bread under the gorilla

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?

Billy the squid

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?

An alarm cluck.

Where are the Andes?

On the end of the armies

Report it stolen - after you park in front of another house!

vonny, Go stand in a corner.

They are a bit infantile, aren't they! Christmas cracker jokes - I love them!

Is a Christmas cracker Santa Claus?