Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Advocate..

It may surprise you, but the peccadilloes of some American politician running for office is of absolutely no interest to anyone this side of the ditch!

If and when he becomes president, maybe..but before then...nah!

Don't recall because I never heard of it in the first place.

So, if i'm following this abstruse bit of humor correctly, the joke here is Advocate's appalling lack of a sense of proportion?

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

That's pretty bad, but not as bad as the one where the husband finds a man in his wife's closet and yells "What the hell are you doing in there?" and gets the answer "Hell I've got to be somewhere."

That's an old, old Henny Youngman line: "Everybody's gotta be somewhere."

Nah, its more the fact that you have had nothing good to say since... ever...

You are an inspiration for birth control.

Two balloons where floating at a market:

Balloon1: Watch out for that sharp soda!

Balloon2: Huh? What soda *pop*

Joke 2:

At a sunny day mr.Mouse and his elephant friend where walking across Sahara, the sun was so harsh that the mouse suggested to stand in front of the sun to give the elephant some shade....

The elephant asked the mouse: Are you sure this is how the joke starts?

The mouse replies oh *beeping* mother! *beeper*! We got this all wrong! Lets switch sides!

As the elephant was about to switch sides, it slipped on its ear and tilted towards Mr.Mouse.

...
*Squish*

Director: CUT! You are fired Dumbo! Now go get Babar and another "Mr.Mouse"

There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fellow must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

If Brains from The Thunderbirds married Claudia Schiffer she'd be Claudia Schiffer-Brains.

Pls learn the difference between where and were if you're going to post on this forum, Shadow.

Yeah, Youngman was very bad.

I overheard this conversation while in a checkout line at 7-11 convenience store:

#1: "How are your sexual relations?"

#2. "Don't rightly know. They didn't return my call last year, either!"

!Sinko de Mayo!

Grroaaaan

Reg, Go stand in a corner for a while. There's bad, and then there's BAD.

Some people say your joke is BAD. I say BRAVO! It was worth a laugh - and timely too!

'Two Chips': Anatomy Of A Drunk Joke
http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2013/05/03/180810435/two-chips-anatomy-of-a-drunk-joke