Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

erm... never stopped me.

Joe(That's all I'm saying.)Nation

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Chap goes in butcher's shop. He asks the price of venison. Butcher says $25 a pound. He says "that's too dear".

Venison, what? Two deer would run to a price to break one's hart.

An Irishman went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.

When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins..."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Please forgive me, but it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, and I must say that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side!"

Statistics don't lie: Six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you?

Here's one solution, provided by a commuter to combat this display of bad manners.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:..

"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,... but I had a long meeting...No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office or with the boss... No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:..


"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

I guess that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the crap out of him....
Like his mother used to do.

a panda?

Good gravy! This thread has deteriorated. When it was first started, there were some truly terrible jokes being posted. Wha' hoppen?

I've been busy.

A scientist in Oxford is looking at an enlarged picture of the earth taken from the lunar orbiter. His freckled-faced, cross-eyed, gap-toothed research assistant with great legs and tits is taking notes of his observations.

"You get a better picture of the USA than you do from down here." he says.

I'll let you know whether or not that's a bad joke once I've figured it out. May take some time.

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Maker's Mark and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.




Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”

Why don't strings ever win any races?

All they can do is tie.

Yeah, good, McG -- that's a bad joke.

Here's a terrible one:

"Who was that oboe I saw you with last night?"

"That was no oboe; that was my fife."