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Wed 13 Sep, 2006 04:45 pm
There's a whole lotta muck to walk through when people blend families, so if you are single, or unhappily married, take heed and be warned: this isn't an easy way to go!
I think I'm venting primarily here; my significant other and I are in couples counselling, and picking our way through things, but it's so hard... I really had no idea how difficult it all would be, and attempts to make things easier seem to never quite work out for us/me. I know we love each other, but enough to make things work out? I wonder that just about every day... It seems like, if we did truly love each other, we'd be about making things easier rather than harder. Just about everything makes things harder for one, or the other of us... There are so many people to consider, and each situation pulls the cords and makes new knots to untangle... What works best for the overall good? (No, I don't really expect answers or even clarity here, although it would be nice...)
First, a bit about us... We live on an island, so connecting with others is somewhat limited geographically. We're roughly 8 years apart in age, met as our 2nd serious relationship w/a partner was failing. We'd see each other around socially, and after a couple years of casually knowing each other, I thought he looked like a likely and deserving fellow to carry on with... I had to be pretty obvious in my flirting before he got the idea I was physically interested in him (he's the epitome of the absent-minded professor.) The sex was adequate, but not the wild type I'd been accustomed to. Fortunately (?) I hit perimenopause, and became much less interested in sex. Some more time goes by, and he suggested trying to have a baby (it was a Christmas present.) I thought, what a sweet notion! Amazingly, I got pregnant within 4 days of agreeing to try! So then we told the kids and made arrangements to blend households, adding 2 bedrooms onto his house. It's been rough going. The baby will be 1 year old next week. Besides her, we have my 3 from my last marriage here, + his 1 who in all likelihood has adhd, then last month his 23 year old moved in and brought his girlfriend to live with us as well... It was hard enough going without the last 2 moving in. They are staying, I've been told, a year, or maybe 2, and there are plans to build a little tea house in the back for them to live in, but I am so frustrated with this blending, it's been one thing after another How much more must I stand to take? I'm tired and there's a lotta work involved in blending. I'm having trouble withstanding all the dramas, buffering when it's my kids taking the consequences. I don't feel like his older 2 are *my* kids. He seems to like my middle child better than my other 2. You have no idea how hard this blending is on people, unless you've btdt. Did I say how difficult this all has been? How sometimes it seems like it's been a lateral move at best, rather than better for all as we 2 adults who thought we were looking out for everyone thought going into this... Even knowing each other and being smart people didn't save us from putting on rose colored glasses and actively convincing each other that our union would be the best, of all possible worlds we could imagine... or something li'dat...
Why is this here, rather than on the parenting forum? Because I'm worried about my partner's and my relationship through all this. All we seem to have time for is parenting and working, it seems. We go to couples counselling. We know about each other's love languages (his is tactile 1st, then service; mine is quality time, then affirmation) and try to speak to each other in the language we respond to best, but there is so much other stuff on our plates we hardly get to breathe alone, much less feast together... I'm tired. I'm not getting asked what *I* want. I try to give what *he* wants, but it's not especially reciprocal. Otoh, it could be much worse...
You have my sympathy.
I have two sons and six stepsons.
More later.
I haven't btdt, but I can easily imagine (from your description) how hard that must be.
Best of luck.
I haven't btdt either, but I'm sending hugs (if you want them), and I'm perfectly willing to sit and listen to you vent whenever the mood strikes you.
I just can't get used to J_B without her _.
Hi, PP, glad to see you back posting on here more. I also haven't done that but can easily put myself in your shoes.
I can see how the last two really top out the soup in the pot...
gustavratzenhofer wrote:I just can't get used to J_B without her _.
I know, I know, change is hard. How 'bout J
PB as a transition?
Hi PP
Like the others, I've never btdt, but I am the product of a blended family.
I can only imagine what my parents (mother/step-father) went through after reading your post. There was not only my sister and myself, but his two sons moved in also. The oldest is bi-polar, and the youngest is somewhat odd..to say the least. He chose his sons over us girls at every opportunity, and she chose to allow the mistreatment of us, to cope with him. How did we cope? I'll never know.....or understand. OTOH, maybe we didn't cope...we just lived through it to tell the sorted tales later on.
Princess...It seems like your heart is in the right place, but your emotions are having one helluva time coping. All I can offer is ((hugs)) and an ear to listen......
Woah! No, I've not gone there either. Too chicken. :wink:
That is a lot of kids. Especially with a little baby.
Quick q: how did you get convinced to take in the 23 yr old plus Girlfriend?
How can I put this delicately...Umm, any way to boot them to the curb? That seems like adding a lighted match to a house drenched in gasoline.
Anyhoo, best wishes and vent away if it helps.
I survived my years as an adult in a Blended Family--but not without scars.
Remember, you are not a "mother" to your stepchildren. They have a mother. You don't have to love them and they don't have to love you. You are a live-in example of a kind and rational adult and they are dependents who should follow the house rules.
You have the final word on disclipining your own children--unless they are infringing on the rights of the step family. You're not after "perfect"--you're aiming for "fair and balanced".
More second marriages break up over disagreements about children than about any other reason.
How do the kids get along with the baby? She's getting more and more mobile and may start invading her brothers' and sisters' space in a very undomesticated way.
flushd wrote:Quick q: how did you get convinced to take in the 23 yr old plus Girlfriend?
How can I put this delicately...Umm, any way to boot them to the curb? That seems like adding a lighted match to a house drenched in gasoline.
I wasn't given any voice in the decision. My partner left his oldest w/the mom when he moved to Hawaii b/c in NM, where they were living, the schools were so much better and the son (then an adolescent) was deemed to be some sort of ubergenius. The mom went lesbian, took a wife, then went psycho on the son and the "2nd mom" (that's what my stepson calls his mom's former girlfriend) left, and the boy lived through some extreme emotional and verbal abuse. Anyway, my partner was going through his own dramas here (younger son's mom was a closet druggy... apparently he'd never come into contact w/such people living a rather sheltered life in scientific academia and research.) His position, he told me, was he would always have a place in his home for his kids (and mine, he now thinks of as his.) So his oldest son thought it would be just perfect to come here and mooch, I mean live, off dad and me. If he doesn't like it, he is more than welcome to get another residence, his dad said,
but why would he when his dad is footing the bill to add on a tea house, and all the son and girlfriend have to do is build it in their spare time? The couple are sleeping on the couch in the parlor for now.
Holy crap! What a houseful!
I'm going through blending too, but my story is much smoother thus far. I only have to deal with her 16 year old son, who is with us full time. My 10 year old daughter visits us every other weekend. My two college age sons will be visiting on breaks and vacations.
Step-son, who is ADD, can be a real pill, but more to his mother than to me. We had a couple verbal run-ins and now he knows his limitations with me and not to disrespect his mom while I'm around. We will probably never be best pals, but I've always gone out of my way to treat him fairly, especially when compared to my own children (e.g., if my kids need school supplies/clothing, he gets stuff too, even though he doesn't ask for it). Now, we have good days and bad.
It's difficult, but it can be done.
Of course, if my two sons wanted to move in with their girlfriends, I'd have to say no, but that has nothing to do with blending. It has to do with not being taken advantage of.
I can understand your partner's wish to help the 23 year old son, but I'm not so sure building a family compound is the greatest favor to the son. Son needs to get out on own and establish an independent self, in my opinion - separate from other issues on blending stresses.
Princess--
Two days after Mr. Noddy and I combined our living quarters (he had survived a heart attack ten days before) his niece, one of four children, set his sister's house on fire. She and her four children moved in. She was in the middle of a divorce and a nervous breakdown and her children were understandably tempermental.
She stayed with us for three months. When she left--with her brood--the house seemed much more spacious.
ossobuco wrote:I can understand your partner's wish to help the 23 year old son, but I'm not so sure building a family compound is the greatest favor to the son. Son needs to get out on own and establish an independent self, in my opinion - separate from other issues on blending stresses.
ITA w/you. And the son could care less about his father's familial stressors OR health problems. (My partner has diabetes, which has progressed to the point he requires daily insulin shots... As I write this, I know what I said is unfair to the son... He cares, but has blinders on about what his dad is facing daily. The son is all about himself,
his relationship to his daddy...) How it's playing out is the son, who has a BA in physics (or maybe it's a BS?) wants to apply to medical school, and needs some advanced biology and organic chemistry to qualify. It just so happens that,
ta-da, they offer those here! And the cost, per semester hour, is not so costly as many other universities... The girlfriend has her BS in biochem, and thought she'd just find herself a $40,000/year position, as she had on the mainland last year. Instead, the best she's found is $8~9.00/hour part time work where her 4 year degree has zero value.
Noddy24 wrote:Princess--
Two days after Mr. Noddy and I combined our living quarters (he had survived a heart attack ten days before) his niece, one of four children, set his sister's house on fire. She and her four children moved in. She was in the middle of a divorce and a nervous breakdown and her children were understandably tempermental.
She stayed with us for three months. When she left--with her brood--the house seemed much more spacious.
That's horrible! But, of course, it passed, and only 12 weeks of chaos... I, otoh, have another 48 weeks, or perhaps 90 weeks left, assuming they don't take longer, f'r instance,
if the girlfriend should decide to try to get into the nursing program, if she hasn't taken pharmacology, she'd be taking it w/me next spring, then trying for the RN program, (with me,)which is 2 years, or the bsn program, which is 4 years...
Here's what I don't get...
They're 23. Money is being set aside for some sort of domicile. Why does it have to be right next to you? Why can't they find someplace else to live? Same city, fine, whatever, just not right underfoot...
sozobe wrote:Here's what I don't get...
They're 23. Money is being set aside for some sort of domicile. Why does it have to be right next to you? Why can't they find someplace else to live? Same city, fine, whatever, just not right underfoot...
The way it was explained to me is that, although they both made $40,000 last year ($80,000 combined,)
they saved no money to speak of. And if stepson makes it into medical school,
whatever money they do have will be allocated for that.
My partner has put aside $10,000 for the building supplies. The structure is not going to be stamped, but built up to code with the assumption that it will later pass to get the correct stamps, or be a useful structure for the duration of our living here (another 20 years on the mortgage.) It was supposed to be a party pavillion, sort of a screened in hexagon platform,
but the stepson didn't like that idea, so he talked his dad into a japanese tea house. Should be the same cost about, but the use will be, what? A shed? A massage room after they leave? (I am a lmt; when I work, I do outcall. A studio may, or may not impact my massage income... I tend to think
not impact it.) A party pavillion, we have 5 kids birthday parties every year, + a Christmas party + several club parties every year,
so we would use that. Neither of us are japanese, nor do we aspire to have traditional tea ceremonies,
so I'm not too sure what use a formal tea house will have, nor convinced it would improve the property value,
even if the structure is legally stamped and executed to code.
He doesn't want to simply gift them with $10,000 to live here for a year, or 2. Think of the precedent!
He doesn't want to give them $10,000 because of the precedent, you mean?
What kind of precedent is THIS?
It's ridiculous. The guy is 23. If he were 18, maybe, but he's not. He can get loans like the rest of us.
Say $6,000 as a one-time thing -- that's a $500 rebate off rent for a year while they get on their feet. More than generous.
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