It gets to be a grey area between what is/could be in the best interest of a child and what is/could be retaliation. That's partly what does worry me.
The bike as mode of transportation, is it teaching a child nearly old enough to drive street and traffic skills and independence? Or is it punishment for not being ready when the adult wants to go somewhere and the child has asked for a ride before you go? Since B and I have talked about this before, and it is his opinion that it's an independence and skill builder, I was willing to believe that it wasn't retaliation, but a method to resolve his frustration at waiting for N to finish assigned tasks before he leaves (B wanted to take the kids hiking; N didn't want to go, so negotiated finishing the garage and fridge in trade for him dropping her friend and herself at the mall...) But, after further "discussion" w/B, and him now lending A his Fiat while B drives the old van, even knowing that A and L didn't finish cleaning out the Daewoo, I am thinking it's not a straightforward policy about task completion...
It gets hairy since I go to work at 6PM most weeknights, one long day shift most weekends, and N wants to go places after she comes home to eat after her practice or off w/her friends on the weekends. She can find other rides, but we've wanted her to participate as a member of the family at least some of the time in some capacity (meaning, eat dinner w/us; do some chores here, hang out and be around us all some of the time.) If she does off season volleyball, she'll have weekend practices and evening practices and Tuesday/Thursday night games. I wasn't going to agree to her riding home in the dark, but it does seem to create less dependence on others and more independence if she could get around somewhat on her bike... We have a bike rack and could come pick her and the bike up after, or even she could go and leave the bike locked for picking up later... I don't know, like I said, it depends on the intention of the action here... I got around just fine on my bike when I was 15, but perhaps that was another time and place and it's no longer as safe to ride a bike in the U.S. as it once was? (You have to remember that B is german, and you see teenagers riding their bikes and then going on trains all over and all hours...)
I am sorry, princess, I don't think you're really looking for a solution
to your dilemma; you're losing yourself in excuses for your partner.
Guess what? I grew up in Germany and could ride my bike from and to
school and walk around freely, even at night. However, I cannot extend such luxury to my daughter who is growing up here in the US. We live
in a very safe neighborhood where hardly anything happens, yet I would
never have my child walk or bike to/from school unattended. Today's world
is not safe, and I never could forgive myself, if anything happened
to my daughter, while I was trying to save 10 minutes for myself by not picking her up.
Who is driving your partner's 8 year old to school, to sports activities and
playdates?
Bohne wrote:I could not agree more with Calamity Jane
[quote]you're losing yourself in excuses for your partner
I don't know what your area is like, and if your daughter is safe, cycling in the evenings, that is for you to decide; however, your partner certainly did not worry about helping her along in her independence, while being pissed off about a broken shelf. You got it right in the first place, he was trying to punish her for something. Wrongly as you thought (and I fully agree)
I also find it very weird that you have to separate so much between my children and your children.
I find it natural that your children are more attached to you, since they know you for a lot longer, but he is your partner, theirs step dad and in my eyes therefore just as responsible for their education and well-being.
He, however, sounds a little like Cinderella's wicked step mother who would only take her own daughters to the ball.
[/color][/quote]
(Worrying that I, perhaps, am the wicked stepmother... I am more likely to call my 8 yr old stepson my bonus child although I take K along w/us when he wants to come...)
CJ, usually B takes K to his piano and karate. Usually I take my children to their activities. When I go to work, another t-ball mom brings my child home (they live around the corner.) When I was at work this past fall, B or A usually picked my 15 yr old up from her practices, but not all the time... K doesn't have playdates w/other children. A (my 9 yr old) does often and both B and I take her to and from. Same w/N and the teenager's equivalent of a playdate: being dropped at the mall...
I do want to find answers and solutions to our glitches. I am told I am far too negative, B wishes I could only be more positive... Things aren't going well here, things may be coming to an ugly head. Certainly part of it is my fault, but not all of it... The therapist saw me today alone (this was as close as we could arrange for me to see her w/my dead daughter's death anniversary of 11/14- she died 12 years ago from cancer- I suffer from intense survivor guilt and tend to feel raw this time of the year.) Anyway, she tried to get me to be more positive, but she said that B almost goes overboard in minimizing difficulties here at home putting on a good face to everything when she sees him around in the community and asks him about things here at home. There is a lot good going on, but just not w/the 23 year olds (imnsho.) The tea house has 6 pier blocks out in place and some string marking off the area. A started peeling the bark off some ohia which is supposed to be used for detail. There are some 4x4s in the carport, but that's about it. I see having reliable transportation as a big relief and a big plus (my ex was famous for leaving me stranded this time of year, especially after Angela died.) But after talking about how great that was (in light of a car fiasco w/the Daewoo- I drove it off to show on the other side and the car ran out of power; I had my 15 yr old, 9 yr old, bonus 8 yr old, 7 yr old, and the baby loaded into it when it failed in the middle of nowhere. My 1st xh and one of his sisters rescued us, took us to xh's apartment further away from where we live, but at least a place we could stay until B came to fetch us. He came at about 1 AM in the Mercedes, but on the way back, he was on the phone w/A and we had to pick him and the gf up. More than an hour we rode, gf under the boy pile, baby, 2 girls, myself on B's lap while A drove. That was a trip!) Anyhow, today, after talking about how the car scene is totally happening, how B is right on w/cars(except that we had a miscommunication about what he had fixed and then checked last week Thu/Fri) he tells me he wants the Mercedes to be grounded until he can check it, and that won't be until Sunday since he has to go off island to a conference tomorrow. A, he says, will drive me wherever I need to go tomorrow. I saw it as a power play, although it was also about closing barn doors after a cow got out. It was a fight. It got ugly before anything got resolved. I suggested that the gf could go visit her parents for about 6 months, then come back when the tea house is finally built. We can support A in the meantime off our combined salaries. For a while he told me he wanted everyone to make plans to move out this Sunday. I told him my plan would involve moving out when our daughter turns 18 in 17 years, but he could move out sooner, if he wished. That was pretty ugly. Then we worked things out. Neither of us will move out, and he wants the gf and me to see the family therapist and work on our disagreement, and he will abide w/the therapist's reccomendation about what should happen. The compromise was that he took me both ways to work tonight and checked out most of the car, and I am going to drive it to work (2 miles away, tops) tomorrow, and he will check it completely on Sunday. Apparently he and A exchanged hostile words right before B came for me tonight. Not quite sure what that was about. A was going for his gf at the same time, they still aren't back, thank god, 2 hours later. Something is coming to a head... Not sure what I should do. I feel brittle and raw. I guess I should hold my dominion, huh?
Hi. Thanks for the update.
I also lost someone to cancer around this time in 1994.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My thoughts are with you.
Oh princess, I am so sorry for your loss. Having to bury a child must be
one of the worst traumatic experiences there is. I feel for you.
As to your domestic situation: the bottom line is, you are not happy!
Sure you can patch things up but at the end of the day, they're band aids
only and never address the actual illness.
Your partner seems to be in denial over your domestic situation, as
your therapist noted, which tells me that he's probably afraid of losing
you. If he doesn't admit to any problems he thinks they will disappear
which of course will make it worse in the end. He's not alone in this
way of thinking, lots of men do it, princess.
Getting into therapy with his son's girlfriend to work out differences with
her, is actually hilarious. Who cares about her, she might be gone tomorrow.
If you want to make it work with your partner, you have to focus on
you both and your minor children, and no one else. His 23 year old son
and his girlfriend are adults and have to live their own life.
If your partner would financially help them to get a jump start
into their own apartment, that would be his choice, but they need to
go, one way or another. They interfere with your family life big time,
and apparently are not willing to contribute anything to make it better.
I really feel for you princess, you're living an emotional roller coaster
life right now, and have been through so much, you deserve peace
and love. However, it is not going to fall into your lap, you have to
fight for it and make sure, you're not taken advantage of as it is the
case at the moment. It will only drain you further, emotionally and
physically.
Further update: B told them to move out following a counselling visit where he basically thought I was nuts and overreacting to still be mad about my power being erased. He wants me psychoanalyzed. I want both of us psychoanalyzed. He said I was blaming him (and while I did partially, it was more my own lack of ability to see what is a good situation from a bad one clearly and my frustration at having all my power drained away and having no good choices except to stay and take things I could get by behaving as he scripted.) But now, apparently I am the bad guy. They are supposed to rent elsewhere for 3 months and decide if they want to build the tea house and move in and finish it up before moving back in with us. I made it quite clear I only wanted the gf gone. To me she has become a symbol of everything wrong here and I get so angry I find myself shaking when she sits down next to me or brushes past me in halls or the kitchen. B said they are a couple, and if one goes, they both go. He disagrees that she is not family b/c he sees her as his son's partner.
B hardly talks to me, doesn't want to be intimate, we simply pass each other briefly and pass the kids between ourselves. And they haven't actually moved out yet, either, but they are almost never home. When I told him that I was sad about all this, he told me I'd better not be, that I should be happy, that if I still continued to be so negative and so destructive, then it would be an obvious sign that something is really wrong with me... It's been very nearly as stressful. We've both been guilty of bad behavior. Plenty of pitfalls fallen into so far!
1st, B made/makes unilateral decisions. 2nd he puts blinders on and sees only what he wants to see, whether it's good or bad. Me, otoh, I tend to hold grudges- especially if there are unresolved issues... I also can be prickly, spiteful, and mean. And I'm prone to pessimism, as well... Oh, and apparently I'm seen as a nagging witch.
I'm trying to remain upbeat, but it's tremendously hard to do. Besides B telling the adult children they have to move, he said that he sees it as less work to find a way to remain together than for us to go to the trouble of splitting up. That's about all that seems good lately. I haven't figured out a way to get him to be silly and playful, which is when B is at his best/funnest.
Any thoughts or suggestions? I have off Monday and asked B what he would like to do; he said a nice hike somewhere was something he thought would be fun. Some of the kids will like that activity, but the 15 yr old will pass (water polo practice) and the 9 yr old girl will try to pass, and be dragged along complaining... I'm thinking pack a little picnic and see if the weather cooperates...
[quote="princesspupule"]... he said that he sees it as less work to find a way to remain together than for us to go to the trouble of splitting up....[/quote]
If that's his only reason for staying together, I'd personally go through the trouble of breaking up!
Is there a deadline for the young couple moving out? If so, when? If not, why not?
