Blending families... picking through the pitfalls...

My your relationship is crowded--your kids, his kids your daughter-in-common, the son's girlfriend and a couple ex-wives.

I'd focus on eliminating some of that drama and, that points to the gf, IMO.

u should've thoght of it before u got "interested" in a guy with this past.

If you think like that, you will hardly find a partner once you are in your late thirties...

How many people without a past do you know of that age!

I know. But hey, when u meet someone with kids and u have kids and u move in with them, it is always not easy, is it?

It's never easy. But who said life was supposed to be easy? Sometimes tho', we make it, or allow it to be alot harder than it has to. The goal is to tame and control the necessary garbage and eliminate the unneccessary garbage that's just hanging around because no one has thrown it out yet.

U mean they need to move the kids out of the house?

No. They need to PUT the GROWN FOLKS OUT of the house. Especially the ones that aren't family.

this is what I mean-the grown kids, sorry

It's coming down to this, I think... The gf swore at me this morning, and I went at her, then she grabbed me and held me until I would calm down, she said. I suggested to her bf, my partner's 23 yr old son, that perhaps if she is as unhappy here as that, and making me equally unhappy, perhaps it would be better for all if they would get an apartment or a room until the tea house is finished...

I guess I should back up and explain why she swore... The bird died last week, causes unknown, but it was suspected to be bacterial from contact w/the cat. I didn't notice the bird had died, but last night B told me the 2 weren't in w/the bird b/c it had died several days ago. I didn't say anything to her last night, so this morning, when I saw her in my closet (which is where B had them hang their clothes and place their dirty clothes, with ours) I was expressing my condolences, and asking her about how it happened. She told me that A had the bird on his shoulder outside and the bird flew off into the grass and the cat pounced but didn't hurt it. I asked her why he had the bird outside on his shoulder as I walked away, and she apparently slammed the closet door shut. I thought it was an accident, and I knocked on the door, asked if she was ok, and she opened the door and got in my face and said, "Get the f*** away from me." Needless to say, I did just the opposite... Then I went in and had a talk w/A. I'm pretty sure B won't be pleased I had that little talk... Not sure how to handle it now beyond where it is. I figure when B brings it up (or should I first?) I will keep my voice as neutral as possible and say I believe we've reached an impasse, and if they are so unhappy, they have other options besides living here w/us. It's going to be a scene. I don't like scenes.

Dpes this mean you do their laundry?

I know I'm not answering re what to do now.. this distracted me first.

Yes, I have been. B felt they have so little laundry it would take too long for them to amass a load, so, therefore, in the name of efficiency and frugality, I should do theirs w/ours. I brought it up at family therapy last Friday, and B did several loads over the weekend while I was at work. A (the 23 yr old son) took down a basketload, but it wasn't sorted or folded or anything (stuff A expects the 7 year old to do, stuff B thinks my 15 yr old should do daily...) The therapist thought the 2 adults could do their own, and maybe keep it in a separate closet from mine. B seemed to still disagree... I'm not sure if it's a european difference, or just B... his friends in Germany insisted on doing our laundry for us when we stayed w/them for 3 weeks this past summer. I was quite touched by their kindness. Apparently, I am not known for being quite so kind.

You're married to a German?
Oh boy!! You have all my sympathies!

You're stepson and his mooching girlfriend are not GUESTS. They live in your home, contribute nothing, merely taking up space. Hell, they ought to be doing YOUR laundry.
You are so being taken advantage of. If your husband wants all of the laundry done together then let him continue doing it. I'd be damned if I'd allow someone to get up in my face, curse at me, and then expect me to do their laundry.

Not exactly married... Do I still get sympathy? I'm not sure I want to any more... I've been immoral since I divorced my 1st husband... I've divorced a 2nd one since then... B is my 3rd relationship... We were supposed to get married, but for more reasons (some mine/some B's, it got postponed...)

This is my new angle, she goes, but A can stay...

@Calamity Jane: We're not all that bad!!!

@princess: I hope it works out the way you are planning.
Have you had a calm discussion with B in the meantime?

For a friend of mine it took nearly ten years, until her husband accepted that the situation with his grandmother in the house was not bearable for his wife.
Problem with them was: He was at work all day and she was at home, getting it all on her own.
When he got home tired from work, he didn't even want to hear her bitching about his grandmother (kind of: bet it can't be that bad).
Now nearly ten years later they are moving out (house belongs to the grandmother).

I absolutely agree. In the end, that is his son and coming between a parent and child is never wise or even correct, in most situations. But the girlfriend? Well, you know how I feel about her.
Now, if his son chooses to go with girlfriend then that's his decision. Don't let them make you the bad guy.

L (the gf) stayed away all day while A was here mowing the lawn, cleaning gutters, offering to do the finish work on the unfinished bathroom between the girls' rooms (besides that, all that needs doing is hooking up the plumbing, which has to wait until my old car sells, according to B...) About 5, L called, and A went to meet her. He came back for dinner, she stayed away until about 9:30. When she came back, she apologized for swearing (she was eating a snack at the kitchen counter) and I acknowledged her apology and made it clear that swearing and slamming doors was unacceptable household behavior, that I also expected them to clean up their kitchen messes, and I would be watching her. Before she and A left for a walk, I reminded her about her kitchen mess, so they emptied the dishwasher and put her dishes in. I praised them for doing just a bit more (in the tone I use for recalcitrant children and dogs.) This morning, there was a water glass on the counter, so when A got up to answer his phone, I reminded again (although I had already tidied that one up; no need to be completely petty, right?) When L got up, I asked if she was having a better day then yesterday. Her answer was noncommittal... Then she went into the back of the house. I noticed there was a whole basket of their dirty laundry in our closet, so I brought theirs out and dumped it on my couch, which is their bed, and reminded them both that a line had been crossed yesterday, and I expected them to do their own laundry from here on out. A seemed genuinely surprised, I reminded him that they had both sworn at me now, and I had asked them to do their own laundry. It's still sitting on the couch except for the pieces my baby has rearranged around the house. Their dirty laundry stinks. They're gone all day. Not sure if the stinking laundry out here is a good or bad thing... When B comes home at 2ish, I hope to have time to talk calmly w/him about what transpired yesterday. We're tentatively planning on taking the kids to a park or a beach for a while, have some nice family time... But I have to work tonight, so can't stay gone too long... I'm planning on recounting the story as neutrally as possible, close w/what the family therapist said, that they are adults and can do their own laundry from this point on. (Does that sound reasonable? He has diabetes which has been escalating; I'm not supposed to make things any more stressful in hopes of reducing its escalation...)

B didn't come home until 3ish and he'd already talked to A and told him not to finish the trim in the bathroom, but work on the tea house. To that end, B bought pier blocks yesterday and put them out by where the tea house is supposed to be built. I told him my side of the story, and he seemed less inclined to blame me after he heard about how there was a crash in the closet and the closet door wouldn't open, and I was knocking on it asking repeatedly, "Are you all right?" L's response was excused by him as extreme grief over the loss of her birthday bird.