Blending families... picking through the pitfalls...

The laundry request seems absolutely reasonable to me.
I would never expect anybody apart from my mother or my husband to do my laundry...

I'm confused re Bohne's opinion on laundry... re whether Princesss should do it.

I'll sit off to the side grumbling.

Meantime, I read a sort of trying book, Honolulu by Paul Theroux. Theroux is a well regarded writier, and even I sort of like his writing. Have read a bunch of his books. Well, that's another discussion. The book title may be hotel honolulu, instead of just honolulu. Should anyone care. The bar is to the left...

I bring this up since, sadly, the family situation almost reminds me of the book, begging your pardon.

P. Pupule is - it seems - is in a position of less power in the relationship.
Lots of people do without, but in common sense, PP is - up to now - not fully listened to, including by B.
<worries>

Sorry, let me clarify: I find it absolutely reasonable for them to do their own laundry.
The thought that a total stranger (or even my mother-in-law) was doing my laundry and digging through my smelly socks and dirty underwear, would be quite unsettling for me!

Oh, good, no quibbles with Bohne.










Whoa, Bohne, I'm not sure I ever welcomed you at a2k, and not sure that later I ever said I appreciate your posts. Even if we disagree, I appreciate them, though at this point I'd have to do a search and review to find any place I disagreed.

Ok, whatever, wafts snowball.....

How do I deserve that???

Deserve? Well, Bohne, I like your concise thinking, in part since your thinking mode is different than mine. I've no doubt we'll disagree greatly at some point (and so what?)

That's it. (where's the lemon verbena tea?)

Are you okay, PP?
Not rattled by the earthquake hopefully.

The shaking woke us up and changed our plans to show the car in Kona today since the roads were closed, and changed when my 15 yr old will come home from Oahu since the plane cancelled her flight last night. The phone lines work intermittantly, but besides a brief power outtage, but nothing major, or structural amiss. Thanks for asking!

Thanks letting us know (and thanks for asking, eoe, I was wondering that too). Glad things are basically fine. Hope your 15-yr-old makes it home soon...

Ok, so I finally spoke up, at least in front of the gf and my stepson... I complimented him on picking up the parlor after the baby trashed it w/her toys. The gf was in the kitchen making food for herself (again.) What a great guy, don't you agree?

The problem was that earlier today the gf asked me to take her to the mall when I went to work. Now, my partner was at the farmers market, her partner (my stepson) was off hiking. There were 3 other cars here: hers, which has no insurance since they choose not to pay $800 for 6 months of insurance, my old car, which is legal until the end of the month- and my partner has previously allowed them to use, but I put up for sale Thursday, only to find out that the gf had been driving it w/a leak in a radiator hose. At that point, I requested that it be left here so it is available to be shown whenever, and fixed (stepson fixed it Thursday PM), and an old van which runs, but has no insurance. I couldn't believe she asked me!!! Apparently, she got pissed off that I didn't take her request seriously, that I transport her... So while I was complimenting my stepson for his industry, cleaning up after his baby sister, I couldn't help but get in a few digs about her, and her lack of industry, and her request made after her last one being for me to get the **** away from her... (Ok, I was drunk.) I actually feel pretty good about it, so I must still be buzzing... I don't often drink 4 beer in 1 night. My partner won't be thrilled about my amplification of my feelings, but oh well... This may or may not work out to my advantage, but, otoh, I was honest about my feelings.. The stepson made some attempts to defend his gf, but also seemed inclined to agree that he deserved better that that thing he brought over with him... Ah well, macht nix...

I don't know how you get through all this princess, I would have left
a long time ago. I see a pattern though: You complain, everyone else
complains, but nothing constructive comes out of it. I think you not only
need to vent, you need to implement a plan along with it, otherwise
nothing gets resolved at all.

Clear boundaries need to be set up and everyone has to obey by them,
otherwise there will be ramifications.

Your stepson's girlfriend has taken your car without asking? Oh well,
that would have been an perfect opportunity for a family gathering
to set boundaries. If they don't want to stick with it they have to ship
out. Frankly, those two (stepson, girlfriend) are sabotaging your
relationship big time, and no one seems to have a constructive solution
to handle them.

Do as most large families do: establish a list/rules with chores and duties
(and boundaries) and hang it on the refrigerator. Whoever doesn't live
by these rules, will have privileges removed. Repeat offenders (stepson's
girlfriend) should move out if they're unwilling to comply or contribute
to a harmonious family life.

Calamity Jane makes an excellent point.

Domestic bliss doesn't simply "happen"--domestic bliss has to be organized.

As for the ride-to-the-mall, evidently there was one legal vehicle available--yours--and you had plans for driving it that afternoon.

I'd guess she didn't want to be with you any more than you wanted to be with her, but you were her only ride to the mall.

I agree with Miss Jane 100%.

For another perspective, after reading this whole thread again.

1)You are letting them tramp all over you, now passively reacting/getting back at the gf (she's an easy shot, not close to you) after drinking.

She does sound like a brat, but on the other hand....

Everyone lets her get away with it. She was invited to move there. She is sleeping on the couch in the parlor with her bf's huge blended family all around her. Out of her comfort zone. She obiviously is used to being treated like a princess and doesn't know how to work for stuff - she went to school and probably has been cared for her entire life.

So now you are taking the new role of mommy! And you get her lip and bs.
You should clear that misconception up right quick.

I can't even imagine being in that situation and asking the Mom of the household to do stuff for me! That's just insane. But, meanwhile, she is there has a mixed reception. I can only imagine all the mixed messages she is getting (bf: oh no, i want you here! your man: defending her, using her to wield control You: disliking her and having reasons to right from the moment she arrived, back n forth sniping and female ****)

This is really about you and your bf. Confront it already. You are being treated badly. And the whole rest of the family gets fucked up in the process. Sorry, that's my view on it. good luck.

I agree w/everything said since last night. <Sigh> The biggest obstacle is that I see my partner assuming that I will feel the same way he feels and him thinking when I have other opinions and feelings than his, I'm not towing the line... I'm still upset that he didn't back me up w/her a long time ago. Before that, I'm still upset that he would've agreed they could move in without running it by me first... At least he's not paying their car insurance yet! That was what stepson said they were waiting for, then he amended that to say he intended to pay his dad back for adding on their car... This morning, the stepson drove the gf off in my old car... When my partner comes back, I intend to suggest that the kids buy the Daewoo and sell their SUV. We have to renew the registration and the insurance the end of this month, so it had better be not our responsibility by then!!!

I keep thinking how my partner would react if one of my kids' friends had said, "Get the f*** away from me," to him. It'd be quite a different matter, I am sure...

Another blending glitch: my 15 yr old was asked to clean refridgerator parts off the stepson and the gf left in the yard since the 1st week of this month (fridge had been on the porch, bad smell on the porch, they decided to move the fridge off... turned out the smell was rotting jack-o-lantern on same porch.) My partner mentioned how the thing had to be taken completely apart and cleaned thoroughly. That, I suggested, should fall to the stepson, since he initiated moving it there... B(partner) and A(stepson) moved the fridge into the garage but left the shelves in the yard, so a job half done, imnsho. B asked N(15) to clean it out. In the process, she shattered the glass shelf. It actually shattered in her hands and cut her feet! He was going to bring her to the mall after she was through cleaning the garage and fridge parts, but she spent a lot of time cleaning up glass shards, didn't finish the whole job, then stopped to go in the bathroom and get ready to go to the mall. He didn't like her leaving a job half done! I tried pointing out the double standard, but I don't think he saw that aspect. He saw her as being incompetent to do any job beyond hanging laundry or vacuuming broad expanses (she doesn't meticulously vacuum.) Now he wants her to ride her bike, not be given any rides beyond to and from school. That is tremendously inconvenient for me since she is in sports and has practices of all sorts. I supported her riding downhill, especially if he puts lights on her bike (and I will be looking for a new one for her for Xmas, btw) but I think we should pick her up if it's dark or rainy, there are hardly any sidewalks and while there are shoulders on the roads up to this house, that is not true of every place... But it irks me that he would set such a rule, smacks of double standard. I see the shelf shattering as an accident which wouldn't have happened if his son had finished a job he started weeks ago. Instead, it was left to someone less competent to finish, and while she left some pieces not so clean, and one broken, and didn't finish the job, her non-completion of the task is about as significant as the stepson's. I'm not sure I see the tie-in correlation between task completion and rides from a stepparent...

Wishing I could go is not an option since my partner and I have a 14 month old baby together and we believe 2 parents in the household is the best way to raise a child. Unfortunately, we were young and naive about its importance when we both first started having kids.

Oops, stepson just came back, I suggested the possibility that he and the gf buy the Daewoo and sell the SUV and he said that they had talked about that, but the Daewoo is a piece of crap (and won't be made a worse piece of crap by their continuing to drive it) and that they have enough money to build the tea house, they think. They just need to get the wood and find the time.

Let me get this straight: the dysfunctional family of your partner does
virtually nothing to make your life any easier (with the apparent approval
of your partner) however, he is reprimanding your child and punishing
her for something she took no part in originally, and you let this
happen?

If you agree that your child should ride her bicycle to and from school and
sports events regardless of weather condition and day time, then you're
not only endangering her life, you also give into your partner's ridiculous
methods of child rearing.

I understand that leaving your partner is not an option, at the same time,
it is your responsibility to protect your own children, and clearly what your children are handed due to your involvement with an unreasonable partner, is certainly not contributing to their conducive family life.

By all sympathy, please stand up for your children!

Couldn't agree with Jane more...

except that I'll emphatically state that leaving is a good option.

(not really my department , but ... )

pricess wrote :
"....him thinking when I have other opinions and feelings than his, I'm not towing the line... "

"not towing the line ...?" ... do you really mean that ?
the year is 2006 not 1906 , i understand .
hbg (shaking his head)

[quote="princesspupule"]Wishing I could go is not an option since my partner and I have a 14 month old baby together and we believe 2 parents in the household is the best way to raise a child. [/quote]

I believe, two parents in a harmonic family is VERY nice for a child, but one happy parent to me seems preferable over the mess you are subjecting your child to at the moment!

In the case of your 15 year old daughter, I would definitely put my foot down. I bet she is hoping for you to back her up, just like you are wishing for your partner to back you up!
Make sure in the end she is not starting to resent you for letting her down!

I think your first priority should be the well-being, safety and happiness of your children, always!

big ole double ditto agreement with Bohne

Yes, me too.

Another stray thought I had while reading about this stuff is that it sounds like the kids are starting to be used as weapons. It sounds like there could be an element of your partner saying, "fine, you get mad at my kids and give them a hard time, I'll get mad at yours and give them a hard time," somewhat independent of what your kids actually did. Needless to say, if that's the case, it's baaad news for everyone.

What's up with family counseling? Is that still happening, what's emerging from it...?