Blending families... picking through the pitfalls...

ITA w/you. But it's not my call, apparently... And perhaps it won't cost all that much for the supplies. He feels really guilty about being unaware of what his son went through, wants to remedy it, that's certainly part, then, he's swabian, which is rather like being scottish or chinese, so tight w/money, they squeek. So he sees the building as adding onto the property value of the house (rather like the hot tub he added on without county stamps to the deck addition.) We were supposed to finish a 3rd bathroom inside after we moved in, but there would be a final $3,000 for that... First it was needed to pay a lawyer so we could get permission to go on vacation without violating the weekly visitation agreement, the next $3,000 went towards the trip, then we got a sweet deal on a Mercedes Benz, then one of my kids ripped a door off the hinges being too wild and my partner stopped wanting to use the money for indoor projects. Even though he talks the good talk about the money being ours, he gets to decide, and he decided his son living here was what he wanted to happen, and that's what's happening. Even though he pretends we are equal partners here, I am a second-class partner, and what I may want gets dismissed if he decides so. Not quite what I agreed to, but now we have a daughter together and I am stuck here feeling less than equal, but making the best of things. It really doesn't feel good to have what I want so dismissed.

PrincessP--





Feeling like a "second class partner" doesn't do much for family harmony. I assume this is one of the big issues you are talking over with the counselor?

One pitfall about feeling "unequal" is that you tend to try to assert yourself on every front over every issue--just to even things out--whether or not your partner has a point.

In your posts you leap from one topic to another--this is a sign of the stress you are under as well as a sign that you can't deal with any single issue at one time.

In earlier threads you have indicated that you have put your kids needs before your partner's opinions. Isn't this exactly what you object to with his son and girlfriend moving in?

Keep up with the counseling. You two have a lot going for you, but you're both guilty of some relationship sabotage.

I went through something similar, although we did not have the financial resources you two appear to have.

I suggest you and th ebaby take the "tea house" and leave the rest in the big house to figure it out on their own...

But, in all seriousness, there is no way to underestimate the exhaustion you feel. And THAT can lead to ... loss of mental and emotional and physical abilities.

Get some rest.

What happened to the domestic help / babysitter you once had? Get her back, with a team.

I could try to tell you what happened with my relationship, but it's just, just too much. In the end, just to jump way forward in the story, he was dying, and his daughter who had gone back to live with her mother for one brief year, decided to come back and bring her boyfriend--who was just a few years younger than me--and her two dogs. I was exhausted taking care of him and all the extra people too, the grocerieis, dinners, trash, cleaning. You have no idea. When he died, size zeros were hanging off me. Without rest and time to eat and take care of my body's needs eventually I couldn't think, couldn't interpret what people were saying. I was a mess. It took a whole year of eating and resting after he died to get up to a size two.

It took a year to recover the smallest measure of mental and emotional health.

One thing that did work, though, in blending the kids--who always argued with each other--was to ground them from each other. I told them they weren't allowed to play with or talk to each other. Then, days later, I found them calmly and quietly watching TV together like "normal" people. Seems their need for "community" won out, and they learned how to get along without any more problems.

You haven't really specified why any of this is a problem for you--I mean specifically. I get the facts, just not the effects they are having on you.

What does all this mean to YOU, your time, your energy, your money, your health?

You are not responsible for making everyone or anyone HAPPY. As one of the adults, you are only legally responsible for a roof, food--and you don't have to prepare meals everynight either, you can get the frozen kind--clothes, health and emergency medical intervention, getting them to school, protecting them from verbal and physical abuse and/or neglect.

That's it. And that's a lot. Get some real help in that household or get those kids to do chores. Or both!

You delegate and manage only and don't do anything else. Delegating and managing is enough.

It's trying on me, clearly. Gad, don't even know what to share without making myself sound like some sort of flake... I don't want you all to think badly of me... And my post does seem to jump around a bit, but it's so interconnected it all makes perfect sense to me...

Also, I don't think you should assume we are affluent in any way, we just live in a place where a nickel can be stretched a mile. He's a professor and I work part time for a department store. Our mortgage is about 1/3 of what this would cost to rent elsewhere. We grow as much of our own food as we can and shop in bulk quantities for the cheapest of the best foods. The Mercedes was a deal. Our cars are all old and older. The hot tub was a salvaged one from a resort on another island which cost $400 (including the shipping,) then a nominal fee to buy the sand for under it and the wood to frame it. We qualify for $0.20 lunches for our school aged kids + a solar heating subsidy. B's (my partner)family has some money tied up in some sort of trust fund, and that is where the bulk of the tea house money is coming from. It's not going to officially have electricity. B plans to run an outdoor extension through a pipe as their source.

I find myself constantly annoyed by goings-on here. Two weeks ago, they made a half-a$$ed effort to clear the land where the house will be built. At the same time, B decided to cut out some bamboo we have growing on the other side of the property and put some banana keiki in there. Then they all haul the bamboo across the yard. They talk about getting a chipper, but the rental is on a trailer, and that requires a hitch. I suggest they/we take the bamboo and make raised garden beds (I could, and would, grow more food w/more beds.) Noo, I'm told, a chipper is the way to go. Last weekend, I read about one for sale at a garage sale. They suggested all these reasons why that one wouldn't be so good, then I persuaded them to go look, but by then it was sold. One more weekend comes, but Saturday was the girlfriend's birthday, so they all go to Kona for the day. They take the car we are supposed to be selling that they've used for the past month, and it springs some sort of leak. Nothing gets done here. And my stepson bought his girlfriend a lovebird. First they put the cage on the kitchen counter and when B objected, they moved it to the kitchen table. I suggessted a hook, maybe outside on a porch, maybe by the parakeet's cage (because that's where my bird wound up) but no, that's unacceptable to the stepson. It's on a low table in the parlor for now.

I just want them to build the tea house already. I'll stop complaining that they can't seem to get the hang of cleaning up their own dishes or counter mess. I'll wash their friggin' laundry. I won't have to smell their stink sheets. I'll dig out when they come in so I won't have to have my requests questioned or my intelligence impunged. The year, or 2, will pass... This trial will someday pass... In the meantime, I'm tempted to go bring a puppy home, though, or take the bamboo and make elevated beds with it, move all the dirt they piled into the bed and grow food they dislike there, but insist they eat it. Unilateral decisions disguised as family benefits. See how they like it! J/K

I'd be into rebellion time and ready to walk and mean it, were I you.

Easy to say that, I've stifled my own gripes. Alas the gripes were right.

Still, I don't see much use in being the agreeable doormat, in the long run.

I don't like nobody listening to you. You are the slave provider? Some kind of very busy guest? No line of authority from the Couple. Democracy of the newly moved in?

Not meaning to agitate you, PP. But, some of my regrets for my past have to do with not listening to myself. Railing in my mind, but not listening, somehow assuming I needed to accomodate while railing.

I don't mean to influence you. Reacting in other than accomodating ways also has consequences, possibly good, even quite good, and possibly quite truamatic.

Do you ever get away by yourself for walks?

I'm not agitated, I'm sad... or maybe frustrated. When I walk, I take the baby. I feel lucky to have her. (How many 45 year olds get to have a healthy baby? A totally wanted baby?) I actually walked w/her today, first while my oldest was at her homecoming court dance practice (made my 2 younger ones come along.) Then, when that was done and the 3 from my last marriage went to scheduled visitation w/their dad, I took the baby to a famous garden and walked briskly (so she wouldn't want to climb out of her stroller.) Later on, I took my 7 year old (+ the baby) and we strolled through stores so he could have 1:1 mom time (he accepts the baby coming along just fine for that.) I've lost all my postpartum weight from all this walking (and maybe the stress or maybe simply skipping dinners since I now work about 4 nights/week.)

I don't know how to make things better here, no matter what I try. B and I aren't communicating very well... We're working on it, but it's slow, and we're both older and set in our ways, kwim? Going to bed now, since the man is through reading... I try to go in when he does, try to rekindle whatever passes for romance when the couple is 46 and 54... It's sparks which create warm and cosy atmosphere most of the time... fireworks every other blue moon or so...

Tomorrow I'm getting up super early to start lap swimming again. My 15 year old will come and feed the baby breakfast while I swim for an hour. I have competed in amateur roughwater events in the past and intend to again. That's something for me and also gets my 15 year old out of the slow lane for morning routine which has caused some friction lately (she's not all done in the bathroom when the stepson and his gf go in, so then isn't ready when B goes out the door to the other side of town where the schools are, so then I give her a ride, which is not the way B would handle things; he'd make her ride a bike across town if she isn't in the car at the time he leaves.) I should mention that my wet suit was "borrowed" by the gf today when they went to the beach... so it's all wet and will be cold and clammy to put on at 6:30 tomorrow. I do feel used around here. Not a good feeling. Not sure how to fix that, either. Off to bed.

WOW, I can understand that you feel frustrated...

I believe it is in the nature of parenthood to always want to help out their kid, however, I think you as the partner deserve consideration, also.
The fact that you were not even asked about your step-son moving in, would really piss me off. You could have discussed it beforehand, and maybe come up with a much better solution.

I suppose that train has passed, so you have to try and make the best of the situation as it is at the moment.

Really need to speak with your partner.
Not argue!
Not shout!
Not put blame!
Not accuse each other!
Just talk!

Maybe put a time limit on stepson living in your house.
How fast can he build that house?
You need to be able to see and end of being all cramped in!
Put down rules!
Did the girlfriend ask about borrowing your wetsuit?
Do they help out around the house?
Do they contribute to food and rent?

PP,

Glad to hear you are reclaiming an hour strictly for yourself and swimming.
Good step.

I know i'd go mad if I couldn't swim. Laps are a great way to regain sanity and calm.

I think it's a good sign. Enjoy it. You'll find your way and will soon know what you need to do.

OK, just read your last but one post!

That actually answers some of my questions...
Still think you need to talk and come to a common (common to you and your partner only) agreement on how things have to go from here...

Jeez, two years can be very long, you know?
And it's not fair that a 23 year old guy puts your relationship on a trial like that!
He'll still be bopping about happily, when you are all worn out and maybe already separated through all the grief he is causing!

It sounds like you are going through what I went through with the next boyfriend--yes, it takes me awhile to learn...

He also was much older than me, by 14 years. It's a stereotypical thing that some older men find younger women, romance them, and then use them. I was surprised when I learned that that does happen. Thought I was getting someone older and wiser. I just got a user.

He has this 100 year old farmhouse on 50 acres. He's also a trust fund baby. We moved into that farmhouse and were going to fix it up. You have no idea. He is totally comfortable living without any amenities. We had to take turns at the barn for our showers.

We didn't work well together on any project, so I took the yard, and he was supposed to work on the house. Well, just to keep the house functioning, I had to haul water to wash dishes, wash clothes in the tub. Put up with his Bubba friends. Put up with about 20 cars on the property. Cows in my backyard. Rain in the house--all the rooms. His "STUFF" was like, unbelievable. A real packrat. Floor to ceiling boxes everywhere. There was no way to get rid of the moldy 50-year-old roof particales that trickled down throughout the house because you just couldn't wrap a feather duster or vacuum around 1000 or more boxes stacked everywhere.

I felt my life was on hold. Most of the things I enjoy require, first of all, time, which I didn't have any of. Secondly, they require some energy, which I didn't have any of, either. Thirdly, they require that I have some protection from the elements, I mean, I was either too hot in the summer or freezing in the winter. I was almost hospitalized for heat exhaustion.

It concerns me greatly that you said you are not eating dinner. Please eat,. MY GOODNESS, you absolutely must have fuel for energy.

I mean, this guy seemed like he had something going. And, in a way, he does. He just really didn't care about his house or property. All of his activities were away from the house, politics, volunteering and such. IN MY CAR! Of course, I also had to pay all the bills, or make it work, because he was always waiting for his million dollar deal to come through. I learned I can do alot with very little.

I was left to deal with everything, and never had time for my books, the piano, the yoga, and all the things I like to do.

I left him a few years back and am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!

I had to work 3 jobs to pay some of those bills off and for my apartment. I'm in a cramped 500 square feet, but it feels like a palace. I have time for my interests and life!

You used to have a pretty big life with your swimming. Too bad that's on a back burner. GET YOUR LIFE BACK, either with him or without him.

Here's a link to what's supposed to be poem I posted here a while back about all this. It has a bit of a dark humor edge to it, but it's so true, I'm not sure if it's funny or not.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=40733&highlight=

Yep, you've got one hell of a situation. I went through alot of what you're going through with my husband and his children. His oldest son was 23 when we married and he was the absolute worst, taking advantage of his guilt-ridden father at every turn and giggling about it to his younger siblings. I saw the situation clearly before we married, the screwed up relationships that he had with his children and gave it serious consideration when he proposed but he's such a good man, I couldn't let him go just because of his kids so I took the risk, figuring that they had to grow up sooner or later. I just had to wait them out.

I did my best to help them grow up, refused to treat them like babies, the way their father did, demanded that they act like the adults they were supposed to be and they all eventually stepped up to the plate.

So, here we are eleven years later and, I won. The kids are all on their own now, successful, doing well, we're not responsible financially and I feel triumphant. The oldest is buying a condo in a luxury highrise in midtown Atlanta, the daughter is buying a home in Colorado and the youngest is unfortunately still at home with his mother but, between you and me, that's just what his mother wants so...not my problem.

We went through alot and I did almost leave him a couple of times but hung in there simply because my husband was/is worth it. My mantra was "they've got to grow up eventually".

I feel for you PP. Your situation is alot heavier than mine but in the end, only you can determine whether your life with this man is worth the trials you're dealing with today.

One thing, you've got to start standing up for yourself. Just that little bit about the girlfriend borrowing your things...I'd put that mooching bitch in check right away because she's not even related and I'd work on getting rid of her especially. It seems that she gets more respect in your house than you do! Get rid of her, you might get rid of her boyfriend too.

We're here if you need us. A2K wasn't around when I was going through it so, if nothing else, you're lucky to have a sounding board.

That's how I felt when he proposed we have a domestic partnership which eventually is to lead into matrimony! But I saw good qualities in his relationship w/his 2 sons as well as the screwy parts. I thought I would be a benefit to his then 6 year old son, who seemed a bit too close to his dad to be a really healthy individual. And we had talked about this and waited until the adult son was through college before we seriously began trying for a family together (he'd told me early on, like when we'd been dating for only a couple months that what he really wanted was a family, a spouse, children, that was his ideal, but the timing wasn't right then, for either of us, and we both agreed we were relationship-wary after our disasterous past unions...) I think he thought his son was out in the real world, making it, after all, he and his girlfriend were working at a lab making $40,000 each at the time. It didn't even occur to me that an adult child would want to move home without some sort of tragedy necessitating such a choice... Their tragedy was that they were temporarily employed where they were and the job period ended... They've got to grow up, eventually...
[/I]
Totally w/you about the gf. Here's the story, she/they asked my 15 year old daughter if they could borrow her surfboard. She said, "yeah." Then they/she asked where her wet suit was, she answered, "I dunno," since she wasn't aware she owned a wet suit. It was hanging in the extra-closet-for-everyone, which is in my 15 year old's room (also has sleeping bags, comforters, suits hanging in it. The wetsuit is one I bought at a garage sale when I was p/g 2 summers ago. It's a size 9/10, and at the rate my then-14 yr old was growing, I thought she'd be in it by winter. She remained a size 7 so I decided I'd keep it for myself. I think perhaps 2 summers ago when the son and gf were visiting here, the wetsuit was mentioned, or seen... So they thought it was hers, since that was the original plan. My daughter wasn't aware there was a wetsuit in the closet.) I can be gracious and call that a misunderstanding.

The son, otoh, he finally got so obnoxious I got in his face the other day. It was about the bird. His dad heard, and backed me up, so, hooray, I feel we can work like a team! But, it's tough, so tough to do!

How did the son react when you got in his face? Was the girlfriend present?

We were between the kitchen island and the dining room table when it all began. He came toward me to use his 6'+ height it its advantage, towering over me saying, "I'll move the bird when my dad tells me to," and I'm about at his nipple level w/my head cocked back telling him as I take steps forward, "I'm backing your father up. Didn't you hear what he said? But I expect you to respect my requests in this house. By the way, you never apologised for swearing and being disrespectful 2 weeks ago to me. I know your father said he'd talk to you about it, and perhaps he didn't but what you said was disrespectful and I won't have you talking to me that way." I made him back up around the island and move to over by the sink. I was spitting mad, literally (gross, yeah? tmi probably, but it's a great tool to make someone back up; major ick-factor, according to my kids.) He apologized, but it was geared toward being bad form to swear at me in front of little kids than just rude, period. His dad stopped us when I got to saying, "If you don't like me laying down rules here, you can always go rent yourselves your own place and lay down your own rules." The gf wasn't here at the time. His dad made them put the cage in the 8 yr old's room until they build the tea house and promise to only have it out on a shoulder, not loose in the house. In private, B agreed that in the worst case scenario, he would have them move out to their own place, but that his 23 yr old genuinely wants to get along, I just have to watch my tone... (Now, I've been told this before; my voice is high and gets an annoying squeeky quality to it when I'm excited,) I retorted I should start drinking bourbon and smoking cigarrettes in order to lower the pitch. Silly man wasn't sure if I was serious or not.

That's good. You backed him off of you with assertiveness. I'll bet that made you feel a whole lot better. Empowerment usually does.

Latest drama: my 15 yr old's surfboard has had a ding in it for more than the past year which she patched to her satisfaction. Apparently last night while I was at work, the gf came into the parlor hauling my daughter's surfboard and began scratching the wax off. My daughter asked her, "What are you doing?" She answered, "Fixing your board." My daughter asked her if she knew how to fix boards. She said she did. My daughter said if she didn't know how, she would have to pay to repair it. She was upset that the girl didn't ask first, just began making like it was hers to do with as she pleased. Don't people ask first on the mainland, or is it only this couple? I told my daughter she gave the girl permission to fix the board now by not speaking up to stop her when she started scratching on her wax when she began her repair and now I wouldn't interfere. Perhaps we aren't very good at speaking up in my family and that is necessary in this blending situation.

I'm trying to speak up for myself at the time things happen rather than sucking it up and taking whatever after eoe's little empowerment peptalk (mahalo, which means thank you.) My partner and I were talking about things which need getting done around here last night (the list is ginormous) and he said for me to do what I could do and he would get to the rest all in good time. He expanded on that, though, in a rather negative manner. He claimed that I have mental blocks which impair my functionality. His first example (he's used this one before) is that I can't/don't sew. I have a sewing machine I bought 10 years ago for my now-adult son to finish an 8th grade home ec. project on, intending to learn how to sew, but never following through. It just sits on a closet shelf. (Apparently in his fantasy of what a wife does, she sews things.) Then he went on to say I also don't replace lightbulbs, can't seem to manage to screw them in. (Apparently I asked him to replace them in my 9 year old's room- I recall that as asking him to buy them since there were none in the cubboard; I did replace one in my 7 yr old son's room just a couple months ago.) The only other lightbulb that's needed replacing was behind a piece of window-sized stained glass artwork which I didn't even try to do b/c of the spacers behind it and its weight. The other example of how I have some mental block impeding my functioning is when I draw up the curtains in the bedroom, I draw them up crookedly. (I've never noticed that I do that. I checked when I went in to bed, and they were up straight then. I left them up, just so he would have to put them down, maybe noticing how straight they were although probably noticing my failure to close the windows and curtains as assuming that, too, was/is a mental block.) This is really petty, isn't it? I shouldn't even complain, yeah? But it's constant. When he awakens, I plan to ask him if he noticed how straight the curtains were when he came in to bed... At first, I let such conversations roll over me, like water off a duck's back. I'm thinking of asking him next time he begins one of these commentaries why he needs to categorize me as mentally blocked, or not functioning fully, or whatever. His first wife was a control freak who did it all and he regales me with her accomplishments but also her failures. The second partner he had failed miserably and wound up lying around taking antidepressants and not lifting a finger to do anything while they were together (and when he moved out w/their child, she became a crackwhore, then went on to live incarcerated or in halfway houses until this day.) I'm not either of those women. I have my quirks, I know. But I'm not so bad...

I wouldn't let gf of the hook nowaynohow. She would know, without a doubt, that I had my eye on her every minute. If I were you, I would say to her something like "I understand that you're fixing Mary's board and that's cool. I appreciate that. But I sure hope you know what you're doing." And leave it at that. After a few more comments like that, she would know that you're watching her and, if she's human, she just may start to squirm.

I'd get my digs in at every turn. The goal would be to make things as uncomfortable for her as possible, while remaining civil and in complete control, and maybe, eventually, she'll pack her **** and get out!

ps-glad to have helped.

Well, I don't think the time has passed to be able to comment on the surfboard thing. Between the usage of the wetsuit without asking and the working on the board, the woman has no sense of boundary. I don't know about the business of having her feel watched all the time, but I do think you need to not just roll over on this stuff.

You might have let her use the suit, and you might have let her fix the board, with some cautionary words, but just assuming you would is quite presumptious.

On your partner and the curtains, and your mental blockedness - ah, he seems quite the passive aggressive fellow.

On the other hand, you don't need to yell and be confrontational either, though it's hard not to do that. Simply state conditions, be firm. People get all defensive when they are yelled at, and while they may learn from it, simple straightforwardness is a better bet.