Public Fighting

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So my husband and I had our first public fight. It got big enough for me to actually leave and walk out of the restaurant.

My husband has this...I'd love to call it a disorder...where when he gets it in his mind to do something, I better damn well feel the same way. For example, if he gets in the mood to clean house no matter what time of the day or night it is, I better want to do it to or I am a lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my ass all day. He also loves to think he knows everything about everything even when it applies to him knowing you better than you do yourself.

His new obsession is working out, therefore it should be mine as well. While eating lunch, we were having a perfectly normal conversation. It started off about me thinking of great things we could do together as a couple that wouldn't cost much and that we could have fun doing. Somehow it turned into things my husband wishes I would get more involved in, like hiking, kayaking, mountain biking, and back-packing. I told him that those things are fine with me as long as we take it at my pace since I have never done those things before (I grew up traveling around in an RV for family vacations).

My pace is taking it slowly, building up a tolerance, taking baby-steps. I like taking new activities a little at a time so that I want to do it more and more over time. He likes giving everything his all until he can't move anymore. So he started to get a little heated telling me that when he takes me to do these activities I need to be prepared by the first time I go to be able to handle week long back-packing trips and all day mountain biking and kayaking trips...that means doing extensive training to prepare myself. We started arguing because he felt that I should be doing extensive training at the gym and I told him all the training I really need is to get out there and do it, I'm not running a marathon or anything.

To make a long story short, I left because it got to the point where he refused to accept the fact that I take things at a slower more relaxed pace than him. I left during the part of the conversation where he basically told me that if I'm not doing it his way don't bother. I thought that leaving right before the insults came would be best. I tried several times to stop him from continuing on with his harsh words towards me. I tried changing subjects, I even told him not to say another word. Nothing effected him and so he left me no other choice but to leave.

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There are several issues here worth discussing, but the one that most interests me is...

WHY do both of you think it's necessary to do all these things together? You're both adults. You can both have your own set of interests & activities. It isn't necessary for you to learn anything just because he does it. Let him find a few triathlete-type friends who like to mountain climb, etc. Tell him you're obviously not able to participate on his level so you're going antiquing with some girlfriends and you'll see him later. (Smile and give him a kiss before you leave.)

Honestly, most of the couples I've known who've been married for many years have lots of separate interests. It keeps things interesting. (I've been married for 23 years, btw.)

Are both of you still pretty young? In your 20s, maybe? No offense, but your relationship sounds a bit immature.

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kitt - from all the other threads you done on your husband and you....when are you going to realize your marriage is not working out?

I know I'm being too blunt, but Jesus, everything between the two of you sucks.

What are you holding on to?

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Eva wrote:

There are several issues here worth discussing, but the one that most interests me is...

WHY do both of you think it's necessary to do all these things together? You're both adults. You can both have your own set of interests & activities. It isn't necessary for you to learn anything just because he does it. Let him find a few triathlete-type friends who like to mountain climb, etc. Tell him you're obviously not able to participate on his level so you're going antiquing with some girlfriends and you'll see him later. (Smile and give him a kiss before you leave.)

Honestly, most of the couples I've known who've been married for many years have lots of separate interests. It keeps things interesting. (I've been married for 23 years, btw.)

Are both of you still pretty young? In your 20s, maybe? No offense, but your relationship sounds a bit immature.

That's the point, I want him to go and do his own things if I don't want to do it his way. Our conversation started off about things we could try doing together, nothing wrong with that. Then it turned into him wanting me to do things his way and I tried to back off but it didn't work.

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I can understand and appreciate not wanting to leave someone when they are 'suffering'.

but , his suffering is making YOU suffer. So when are you going to take care of you and stop running yourself on empty?

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It's a rule that we never fight in public. Ever. If we are having a fight on the way to somewhere in the car, we end it and play happy couple until we leave again. Fighting in front of others shows lack of self control, immaturity and lack of respect for others. It makes people uncomfortable. If an argument starts, it's quiet and subtle and is ended immediately by one of us, even if temporarily.

You keep asking questions about whether your relationship is normal or if it's just you...when the right question to be asking is how do I let go and leave him.

The only thing you did right in this situation was to get up and leave.

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First of all, on behalf of my gender, let me say "I'm sorry so many of us are ignorant jerks."
But, darn it all kit, this whole thing is a mess. Is there anything positive about your relationship? I've only been here a few days and I've already seen multiple threads from you. You need to GET OUT OF THIS. This is no way for someone to be treated. This guy doesn't even sound like he realizes he's in a relationship, much less married. He's treating you like a friend he doesn't like very much.
There's one of two things happening here - either you are afraid to stand up and leave this jerk, or you crave the attention you get here. I hate to be so blunt, but that's the way it is.

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oh yeah tin sword...click on kitt katts profile, then click on view all posts by kitt katt...

He giggles and laughs in bed (and not the good kind of giggling and laughing)...and can't figure out what goes where.

They fight over whether or not "someday" they'll have children

He has no manners in restaurants and other social settings

on and on...

However to be fair there's always 2 sides (at least) to a story.

Kitt Katt loves the drama of making an event out of parking her car, needs to know answers now to things that won't affect them for years....but through this all...."but I LOVE him".... Rolling Eyes

jesus. pfffrrrrppttt.

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Chai Tea wrote:

Kitt Katt loves the drama of making an event out of parking her car

I don't understand what this sentence means. I am very much NOT a dramatic person at all. I hate drama and confrentations. The only person, besides my dad, that I argue with is my husband because he knows which buttons to push with me.

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kitkat_bar wrote:

Eva wrote:
There are several issues here worth discussing, but the one that most interests me is...

WHY do both of you think it's necessary to do all these things together? You're both adults. You can both have your own set of interests & activities. It isn't necessary for you to learn anything just because he does it. Let him find a few triathlete-type friends who like to mountain climb, etc. Tell him you're obviously not able to participate on his level so you're going antiquing with some girlfriends and you'll see him later. (Smile and give him a kiss before you leave.)

Honestly, most of the couples I've known who've been married for many years have lots of separate interests. It keeps things interesting. (I've been married for 23 years, btw.)

Are both of you still pretty young? In your 20s, maybe? No offense, but your relationship sounds a bit immature.

That's the point, I want him to go and do his own things if I don't want to do it his way. Our conversation started off about things we could try doing together, nothing wrong with that. Then it turned into him wanting me to do things his way and I tried to back off but it didn't work.

I can read, y'know! You don't have to repeat yourself.

You started off by saying, "His new obsession is working out, therefore it should be mine as well." This is a BAD premise for a conversation with a control freak. Haven't you figured that out yet?

Another statement you made:
"when he gets it in his mind to do something, I better damn well feel the same way. For example, if he gets in the mood to clean house no matter what time of the day or night it is, I better want to do it to or I am a lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my ass all day. He also loves to think he knows everything about everything even when it applies to him knowing you better than you do yourself."

You could have summed this up in one sentence: He's an arrogant, self-centered, overbearing, verbally-abusive control freak.

Let's try another:
"While eating lunch, we were having a perfectly normal conversation. It started off about me thinking of great things we could do together as a couple that wouldn't cost much and that we could have fun doing. Somehow it turned into things my husband wishes I would get more involved in, like hiking, kayaking, mountain biking, and back-packing."

In other words, he steered the conversation to his own interests. Again, it's all about him. A psychologist would begin to suspect "narcissistic personality disorder" at this point.

Then he tries to make decisions for you and explodes when you disagree. Can you spell "unstable control freak"...?

Frankly, I'm with the others here. I cannot understand why anyone would put up with such treatment unless they have serious problems with self-esteem.

And stop blaming this on his "depression." Depression isn't causing this. Sh!t, I've suffered from depression for years, I know what it does to someone. This guy is an immature jerk, plain and simple, and all the meds in the world won't solve that.

But he isn't here asking for advice. (His kind never does.) You are. So I have to ask...what's wrong with you? Why are you putting up with this crap?

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Along a similar line, I hope you go back and read all your own posts, kitkat, starting with the earliest first (page 14, 13, 12, etc., or read each of the threads, starting with the beginning one.) Read them as if you are reading about another person...

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I second that idea, Osso.

It is so easy for little things to snowball, til one day we don't even see how ridiculous our situation has become.

kitkat - The others are doing you a favor and trying to give you a wake-up call.

Try reading through your posts starting at the beginning. If it was a dear friend of yours writing that - what would you say to her? Would you want her to put up with that much unhappiness?

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kitkat_bar wrote:

Chai Tea wrote:

Kitt Katt loves the drama of making an event out of parking her car

I don't understand what this sentence means. I am very much NOT a dramatic person at all. I hate drama and confrentations. The only person, besides my dad, that I argue with is my husband because he knows which buttons to push with me.

if you didnt love the drama, you would have gotten out of your car to open the garage door, as you would have HAD to do if he wasnt there anyways, instead of playing phone tag over " will you get soap?"

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shewolfnm wrote:

if you didnt love the drama, you would have gotten out of your car to open the garage door, as you would have HAD to do if he wasnt there anyways, instead of playing phone tag over " will you get soap?"

Well I don't love drama, the reason I had to have him come down and me not go up instead was because he had to move his car so I could park mine in. He drives a stick and I don't know how to drive it. Plus his car is his baby.

A very good point was made...why do I stay with him? Well to know that you would have to know my history with Mr. Kitkat. I wont go into it because its long but we are high school sweethearts and have been through alot together. I also believe in "for better or worse" and I consider depression to be worse. I am not blaming everything that goes on in our marriage on his depression but it is a major cause of many of our problems. Most of the problems we have had are not even about me. He is going through his own inner struggles and the only person he seems to be able to take it out on is me.

I am not one of those women you see on made for tv movies about the husband who beats them to near death and they are still with them. Believe me, if he ever hit me like that I would pack my bags right there. The reason I stay is because I have made him a better man. He'd be the first to tell you that. I live my life with him as if I were a single woman with a roommate. I have no desire for another man right now even if I did leave him. I basically spend my time staying away from him until he gets his life together. When the time comes for me to be needed and I need something more than he can give me, then I will leave. My life is too complicated right now to start a new one somewhere else.

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Chai Tea wrote:

kitt - from all the other threads you done on your husband and you....when are you going to realize your marriage is not working out?

I know I'm being too blunt, but Jesus, everything between the two of you sucks.

What are you holding on to?

perhaps some sort of large handle :wink:

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I dated a girl back in the eighties that liked to make a scene in public places..... and she hit me a couple of times. Of course she had a major drinking problem..... she once punched me in the face at a five way intersection in the middle of rush hour traffic. I pulled her keys out of her ignition got out of the car and threw them as far as I could and then walked home.

One night I finally had enough when she had her teeth sunk into my shoulder as I tried to get away from her and I punched her out and left.

she got help, went on anabuse therapy and is now a successful restaurant owner. God Bless her I say.

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Bear, I can't believe you actually hit a woman. I don't care if she was biting you and "had her teeth sunk into my shoulder" as you say. That is still not an excuse to hit a woman.

The last time a woman bit me on the shoulder I simply raised my shotgun and blew her friggin' head off.

But never, under any circumstance, would I hit a woman.

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We are very familiar with depression around here at a2k.

The term depression-hag came to my mind, but that is too mean. Plus, as someone said, depression isn't the reason for his demeaning behavior to you.

Co-dependent is another term that used to be talked about, don't know if it is now.

Your defenses on all this commentary are high, and I can understand that.

If you come to a point you want to listen a bit harder, re your own self esteem, I'll be here. I'll try to remember not to post more in the meantime, since I don't want to batter you with my opinion - at least not more than this and a few past posts.

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gustavratzenhofer wrote:

Bear, I can't believe you actually hit a woman. I don't care if she was biting you and "had her teeth sunk into my shoulder" as you say. That is still not an excuse to hit a woman.

The last time a woman bit me on the shoulder I simply raised my shotgun and blew her friggin' head off.

But never, under any circumstance, would I hit a woman.

it is a well known fact that you are a finer man than I Gus... why rub it in? My self esteem is so fragile in the first place....

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You know BVT, I really admired that post about punching that girl out....really.

Just like your signature says....

Maybe this is not all PC and everything, but it's the truth.

Men and women, if they want, can make another person life a living hell, if that other person "loves" them. Eventually, hopefully that other person wakes up and says, "this is NOT love."

When a man nags, belittles, and all that it puts an emotional strain on the woman.
All things being equal, and without making this a stereotype issue, I think it's safe to say women are more emotion driven then men.

The woman is sometimes in love with "being in love"...personally, I think that's KK's deal....she wants to be "in love" and this is the closest she can get. Little tangent...I hear KK saying she doesn't want to get involved with someone else right now....as if anyone was suggesting she leave this jerk and find another guy....see, she equates leaving him with having to find someone else to "be in love with" Otherwise, she'd realize it's fine to be on her own.

Anyway, back to punching the girl out....I have personally known women who really take advantage of that "don't ever hit a girl" stuff they learned.

There's certain situations though, like getting attacked by a person sitting next to you will in a situation that requires all your attention, like a busy intersection, where that **** doesn't fly. If the woman is pycho enough to think it's ok to put both your lives in danger, she needs a whallop just to wake her up.

I'm not a physically violent person, but sometimes, I have seen where my standing up for myself and threatening violence has made the other person realize I'm serious.

When I was about 20-21, I started dating this guy who was from Greece. His MO was "I'll woo you until I have you hooked, then I'll show my true colors" Today I would have seen right through that, but being 20, well, I had a lot to learn.

Everything was fine for a few months, then, suddenly, he "owned" me. Of course I balked, and we would argue...as far as public fighting...there was just this one time, and it lasted, oh....15 seconds.

We walked into a restaurant, waiting to be seated, I guess I said something he didn't like. I'll never forget this exchange....

Him (whispering): Sometimes you make me so mad I could just hit you to teach you.

Me (very loud in a room full of diners): IF YOU EVER LAY A HAND ON ME, I WILL PICK UP A CHAIR (pointing) AND SMASH IT OVER YOUR F*CKING HEAD!!!

He immediatly backed off walked out, we got in the car (I was driving) I took him back to his place...said "get out" and that was it.

If there was a time he could have hurt me, it would have been then, but....he would have been tangling with a wildcat and knew he wouldn't come out of it clean.

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