Heph, the question of marriage without genuine interest is one that occurs time after time.... How often have you seen friends happy as a couple, then within two years of getting married turn to fighting and a split? IMO it comes down to the reason for getting married in the first place.
I cannot pretend to know your situation as this is only my third post, but I can speculate (rightly or wrongly - feel free to shoot me down if the latter) that the marriage took place when the relationship had effectively run its course. I know many people who have married because it seemed the logical step when in reality they should've cut their losses...
As for he whole 'attractiveness' thing, I reckon it all comes down to self-worth as the previous beardy-bloke said far more eloquently than I can. It doesn't mean however that you should lock yourself away until you experience an epiphany - if you get the chance of a spot of 'no strings' sha*ging with somebody who floats your boat, then to do this, and to remain on top of the situation can only boost your self-esteem.
Of course I am merely probing in the dark here....
LOL certain phrases now a days get me laughing.... Oh boy...
Welcome to the school of Hephzibah on the difference between mins and wimmins!
Mins and wimmins are quite different on how they perceive things. Wimmins are wired more emotionally. Mins are wired more physically. Here's and example. Say the wimmins is having a problem with some co-workers and she comes home to talk to her min about it. The process is usually as follows:
: So and so are talking about me at work and it's ticking me off.
Thinking: I hope he'll understand this...
: Well just tell them to shut up.
Thinking: I can't believe she's complaining about this. It's so easy to fix.
: But you don't understand... they hurt my feelings. They said that I said things I never said and got another person mad at me...
Thinking: How can HE not understand this?
: I do understand. You just need to blow them off and go on. No big deal.
Thinking: Man... why is SHE being so sensitive?
: You've got to be kidding! How can you be so insensitive??
Thinking: What a friggin jerk!
: I'm not being insensitive... I'm telling you how to fix it.
Thinking: Oh boy... I hope it's not too cold in the dog house tonight.
: I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO FIX IT! I want you to care about how I feel!
Thinking: Who does HE think HE is?
: Honey... calm down... I do care how you feel. The best way to get over the problem is to fix it.
Thinking: What am I doing wrong here?
: NO YOU DON'T!
Thinking: Man... what an insensitive creep!
: YES I DO!
Thinking: What the hell! How can she not see I care!? I'm trying to help her fix the friggin problem!
And so on...
Wimmins, in general, when they have a problem merely need a listening ear. That is what will give them the freedom to look within themselves and figure out a solution that will work for them. Not saying suggestions can't be offered, by any means, but really what they need when they have a problem is to feel supported emotionally. To feel like their feelings are important even if they aren't valid, or are a little excessive at the time.
Mins in general on the other hand don't look at things from an emotional perspective. They look at it from a "fix it" perspective. Kind of like a math problem. 2+2=4. Can't get much simpler than that can ya? However for wimmins that same math problem looks like this: 2y+1x-6y=4. Mins brains function in the divide and conquer rhelm. Life is a problem to be solved. Each problem that is solved is another notch on the belt. Another sign of success. Which is why in a situation like I stated above the min is left feeling like, "What the heck did I do wrong?" He looks at the problem as something to overcome and move on from, while the wimmins look at the problem as something to be processed and learned from.
It's not a crime actually, it's a miscommunication. Here's the problem though. Well as I see anyway. Because wimmins need to feel supported emotionally when things are happening, if they aren't getting that they begin to feel unsafe within the relationship based on the belief that he doesn't care about how she feels. Mins on the other hand need to feel successful. To get a reaction like the above can be a devastating blow to his feelings of success within the relationship. Both parties are frustrated and if the maturity level is not there as the founding roots of their apple tree (LOL) things begin to go on a downward spiral because they begin to approach things on a more defensive angle because each of them feel their needs are not getting met by the other.
OMG I have way too much time on my hands.... whew...
So to sum it all up. That is basically what happened within my relationship. Miscommunication. I started feeling unsafe within the relationship pretty early on. I, being the overcommunicator that I can be at times, tried to communicate this to him. He did not get it and further invalidated my feelings by telling me how foolish I was being. I invalidated his feelings of success within our relationship by giving up on communication after getting the same reaction from him every time I tried to communicate. Granted there was a lot more to the story than that, but speaking from the emotional side of it, that is what happened.
The thing with wimmins is that once they start feeling unsafe emotionally that effects more that just the conversation part of their relationship. It can flow over into many different area's leaving the min feeling lost and confused. You poor guys. LOL You sure got your hands full trying to figure us wimmins out. I don't know what inspired me to write all this. I suppose it's helped me to see things from a different angle. That's always good. That whole processing and learning thing us wimmins do.
Occum Bill wrote
I couldn't know that. I don't know your relationship and I've never been married. Philosophically; I believe that when something stops growing; it dies. The best generic answer I could give you is: Who cares? I believe people need reasons to stay together; not reasons to split up. If it isn't working, and can't be fixed, move on.
LOL Sorry Bill, that wasn't meant as a question for anyone to answer except me. I was just being a bit fasicous at the time. I agree with your theory here. However, I do care. I don't see relationships as something disposable. (Not saying you do) I always said I was only going to get married once. Lofty expectations on my part I guess, that have left me in quite a predicament now. I might be entirely too serious for my own good. Maybe you are right and I just need to relax a little and have some fun. *shrugs*
Not limited to men, I assure you. People sometimes grow bored with each other through no fault of either party. Give a little more than you're looking for and if that doesn't work, move on.
Yeah, I bet it's not. I'm sure if I took a long look in the mirror I could see a little bit of this within myself. I've given all I have to give at this point, and I'm completely emotionally exhausted. So I put it down, and let it go. The ball is in his court. I would like to not surrender this so quickly. I feel like (now I know this might sound ridiculous) walking away from this is giving up on him. Regardless of all the bologna that's happened he's still a person. I don't like writing people off. That's one of the most difficult things for me at this point. Each day is getting a little better. I'm getting a clearer perspective on things, and I am seeing the importance of moving on. It's just gonna take some time for me to work through all this. That's all.