A dating quandary

I am going to take a stance that I normally would not. :ahem:

"I" still harbors feelings for you, meaning that it will never be a normal friendship anyway. He'll sit around pining and will be secretly bothered by anyone you date. If you see "I" a lot, chances are you are eventually going to meet one of his friends, or someone else while he's around, that you'll want to go out with.

Since there never was a relationship you aren't breaking any rules. I would talk to him about it, but I wouldn't ask his permission. Just tell him how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. I am of the opinion that if he freaks out, you're friendship wasn't going to last past his first jealousy of another man to begin with.

The short answer: what will you regret more - hurting a 'just a friend' you've known for a few months or giving up the opportunity to start something great with the other guy. Only you know, but decide which 'what-if' regret you can live with.

Ahem.

To address the issue at hand -- what sugar said.

Crikey! Gautam's got a sailor in every port, ....I'm WAAAAY jealous!!!

OK,..2 cents from Jerry,...
You've got a serious guy in Prague, a "just for fun" guy nearby whose roommate you want to jump on,....hmmmm,..there's nothing like putting some effort into complicating your life, and you're doing a damn good job of it!

If "I" knows he's not in a serious relationship with you, then I'd guess you should check with the roommie,..and make sure that there's something there, then mention it to "I", BEFORE anything happens.
Honesty always works out best, someone may not like the situation,...but it sure beats the hell out of being humiliated by finding out after the fact.

REPEAT

Liked it so much I posted it seventy times!

yep,..another one.

multi posting

Serious multi posts,..I think I posted this once for each of gautam's men!

Holy multiple posts Jerry!

I just did the same thing on another thread. A2K is having hissy fits again!

Yep, that's me,..in my ten minutes worth of "webtime" I manage to post the same message ten thousand times!

JerryR- At least you are consistent!

Tell Craven to stop shaving the cat.....perhaps that is the reason for the hissy fits

I wonder what the advice would be if you were a girl! The same? My advice would be to mention gently to "I" you find his roommate attractive. Don't make excuses or say sorry, say it to him like you would to any other friend. Then there is no harm in flirting with the roommate and seeing if it goes further.

You know you can never please everyone with the decisions you make in your life. All you can do is treat them well and with respect. You are not disrespecting your friend. It is not your fault that you do not reciprocate his feelings and you two never did date, right? So you are not doing anything wrong here. I wouldn't do anything blatant in front of him - just be your wonderful self and whatever is going to happen ... will happen.

One part Sugar, with a jigger of Heeven.

Right now, you are completely innocent.
You value 'I', so I'd start with a pre-emptive convo with 'I'. (Because, sometimes hearing these things from the wrong person becomes the issue, when the relationship with flatmate might not have been.) You can frame it by getting a little inside info about flatmate... Is ______ involved? (Or some such 'checking out-type' question.) I'm thinking about getting together with him...

You will be able to gauge the reaction. If he gets testy, it would be worth a kind reality check convo between the two of you.

Plus, catering to 'I' may enable him to develop an unreasonable attachment to you. This, actually, may nip that back to a healthier relationship with 'I'. Or, 'I' may try to kill you with a kitchen knife.

Anyhoo-- Good luck!

Can't let other people's emotional hang-ups interfere with your own life (says the king of alienation, but I'll stand by it anyway).

I'm with Heeven here (also Margo, also Jerry R.... etc.). I think you have to be careful of "I's" feelings, but you are partying with him anyway in a non-relationship way. Can't you mention to him how lucky he is and how monstrously attractive his flatmate is to you. Then see what he says? It will let him know you are interested, still value him as a friend and comrade, and you may find out more about flatmate.

Honesty=the best policy, but you don't have to be brutally honest or tell everything. "I" should already know there is no chance between you, right? Lots of folks harbor these unrequited loves -- poems are written about them...

Here's one for ya:

Song for a Lute
(EStVM -- 1927)

Seeing how I love you utterly,
And your disdain is my despair,
Alter this dulcet eye, forbear
To wear those looks that latterly
You wore, and won me wholly, wear
A brow more dark, and bitterly
Berate my dulness and my care,
Seeing how your smile is my despair,
Seeing how I love you utterly.

Seeing how I love you utterly,
And your distress is my despair,
Alter this briming eye, nor wear
The trembling lip that latterly
Under a more auspicious air
You wore, and thrust me through, forbear
To drop your head so bitterly
Into your hands, seeing how I dare
No tender touch upon your hair,
Knowing as I do how fitterly
You do reproach me than forbear,
Seeing how your tears are my despair,
Seeing how I love you utterly.

hmmm.... my first reaction is the same as Margo's "hands off!" But, after skimming some of the responses, I'm not so sure how I feel. I guess if you brought it up with him and he said, "I couldn't be friends with either of you two were you to date eachother" you could not date I and you would maybe strengthen your friendship with I in the mean time. If he was ok with it, you'd have a great time getting to know the flatmate. Of course, the reality would be more complex than either of those options.

Gautam, you've gotten some very good advice so far. Speaking with your friend in a nonthreatening manner about roommate sounds best to me.

You've been lonely lately, going so far as to talk about becoming a monk or some such silly thing--Gautam--what would all of us do without you in our midst. Still, with the loneliness, are you able to be objective and express yourself honestly to your friend before jumping the flatmate's bones?

What do you know about the flatmate? What is his background? The important thing is to take care of yourself while trying to maintain a friendship while, at the same time, feeling the stirrings of a possible romance with the flatmate. (Sometimes I sound like such a mommy--sorry)!

Is the guy in Prague the dancer? We really have to get together to talk. Some way or another, I'm coming to London!

If I remember correctly, the Prague interval was with the fella who is in all those portraits in sweet Gautam's mind-room. May be confusing a trip to Prague (lovely poem) with a person who lives in Prague, tho.