My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

kitkat - I assume you just read Noddy and justa_babbling_brooke's most recent replies. Please, go back and read them once more very carefully. I wish someone had told me those things long ago before I lost my self esteem and nearly lost my life. You seem to be asking for advice, but then you make excuses for your husband when someone makes reasonable and intelligent suggestions. Stop making excuses for that man. He does not love you. If he did, he would treat you with respect and decency. Let him go explore the world. If you are lucky, he won't come back. Take care of your own life before it's too late. PLEASE!

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I am starting to agree with Nikki here (perish the thought!). Kitkat, if you continue making excuses for him, we can't help you except to dig you deeper into defending his actions. Because that's what you are doing. You keep finding excuses and reasons and frankly, I'm out of advice for you.

I wish you no harm. I hope you come to your senses. But since you've come this far and realize that there is an issue, the next step is yours and yours alone. Find some help in your community. Find a safe house. Find the strength to do what I know you know you have to do.

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Sorry, Bella, I will never agree with nikki. Nikki thinks kitkat deserves everything she gets. Just because a victim does not leave when everyone thinks they should, is not and never will be a reason to believe they deserve abuse.

I think everyone is in agreement, though, that things will not get any better for kitkat as long as she is in denial and does nothing to change things!

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

Sorry, Bella, I will never agree with nikki. Nikki thinks kitkat deserves everything she gets. Just because a victim does not leave when everyone thinks they should, is not and never will be a reason to believe they deserve abuse.

No no, I agree with Nikki in the regard that Kitkat has got to DO something now, rather than continue to make excuses. I don't think that she deserves it.

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I think there is a confusion for kitkat about what love is. This is not unusual but is very limiting in a situation like this. Love is actually a product of two people who care about each other's well being - it comes from a process where support for each other is continuous over time. It needs to be fed by action. Hanging on while being treated badly repeatedly isn't doing it for love, it's doing it for hope of love.

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Quote:

Hanging on while being treated badly repeatedly isn't doing it for love, it's doing it for hope of love.

Excellent point, Osso.

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An interesting article was published in the Boston Globe today. http://www.boston.com/yourlife/health/well_well_wellness/asking_the_abuser/

Asking the Abuser
Most domestic violence surveys talk to female victims. A BU researcher surveyed men instead.
By Brian Kladko | December 4, 2005

There is no shortage of studies documenting abuse of women by their male partners, whether through violence, forced sex, or shunning condoms. Almost all of the evidence, however, comes from surveys of women. Boston University's Anita Raj thought it was time to ask the men. The associate professor at Boston University's School of Public Health polled 283 men at a Jamaica Plain health clinic - most in their 20s, predominantly low-income and minority - who said they had been involved with a woman for three months or more. More than a quarter of these men, most in their 20s, said they had physically abused their partners in the past year, and about the same percentage said they had forced sex on a partner or insisted on sex when a partner didn't want it. Eighty percent said they didn't consistently use a condom, 18 percent within the past year reported forcing their partner to have sex without a condom. Raj speculates that the high rates of mistreatment stem from what she calls a "male ideology," a kind of machismo mindset that is so prevalent - and so readily admitted - because it's rarely challenged in the culture in which these men live. "They either have no idea that what they're doing is wrong and that's why they're telling us, or they know it's wrong and I think they're wanting to disclose it," Raj says. "To me, it's indicative that they either want or need help." Raj hopes her study, which is being published in the prestigious American Journal of Public Health and will be presented this month at the annual conference of the American Public Health Association, will highlight the need not only to protect women, but to educate men. "We need to start asking the question, because they're actually willing to give us the answer," she says. "And if they can give us the answer, we can actually help them with it." It sounds like a quixotic goal, but Raj, who has been working in women's and sexual health for more than a decade and now focuses on sexually transmitted disease prevention in the minority community, notes that at one time, the public believed smoking was healthy. "If we believe there are attitudes in society that are promoting poor health, then why wouldn't we change those attitudes or ideologies?" Domestic violence by the numbers: Rank among causes of injury to women ages 15 to 44 nationwide: 1 Number of Massachusetts victims who moved into a shelter or safe house in 2003: 3,900 Number of Massachusetts victims turned away from shelters in 2003 due to lack of space: 6,000 Number of restraining orders issued in 2003 in Massachusetts: 40,000 Percentage of 2003 Massachusetts assault victims age 13 and older who knew their assailant: 80 Sources: "Mental Health, a Report of the Attorney General," and Jane Doe Inc. (for Massachusetts numbers). All Massachusetts numbers for fiscal 2003.

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It's not that I refuse to take action, its that I can't. At least not this very minute. The semester is over in two weeks and I am in the middle of finals. I didn't come this far just to walk out on my life. I have another life besides my husband, it's my education and my future career. I can't just run back to mommy and daddy whenever I have a problem and leave everything I have worked for behind. And I can't afford to move out and get my own place. I can't run out on my student loan because thats the one thing getting me through college. They will only give me the money if I am married so I can't divorce him. You see? I have responsibilities and I can't just run out on them. Yes, my husband called me names...but is it really worth divorcing him over? Knowing what the concequences of what would happen to me if I did divorce him seem more devistating to me than my own self esteem for the moment.

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I don't mean this unkindly, kit, but if I needed to find a cite for a list of denialist avoidances and excuses, your most recent post would do just fine.

Just about everything in life involves choices, and all choices have consequences. How one weighs those consequences, if one considers them at all, before making choices has a whole bunch to do with how things work out for that individual. One thing to remember about your own life; you're the one who has to live with it.

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Quote:

They will only give me the money if I am married

I doubt this.

I'm sure a single woman is also entitled to loan money. I'm sure the people who decide who is and who is not eligible for loan money have heard of abusive spouses. I'm sure your parents love you and would give you sanctuary.

Right now, you're tired of being a butt for a sadist's wit--but you don't want to admit that your marriage is a travesty.

Of course you don't have to file for divorce in the middle of finals, but if you honestly feel there is no way out of this abusive relationship, why complain. Settle down and learn to endure until your soul is completely eroded.

You've heard about doctors who let their high school sweethearts put them through college and medical school and then divorce the high school sweethearts.....

This guy is verbally abusing you. Are you financially using him?

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He calls you names, kitkat, and demeans you in front of family and friends. I think the time will come when you accept his own valuation of you as being your own. I think this is worth divorcing him for. Yes. At the time of your own chosing, of course.

Keep checking your options. Maybe - just maybe, running home to mommy and daddy (as you put it) really is the best choice. Somewhere around age 40, I found out that nothing would have made my mother happier than putting her second child through college.

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kitkat,

Isn't living with him making it harder to pursue your career??? Sure, you get financial support, but hes got to be a real distraction, emotionally from what he's doing to you and just in the fact that he's your husband.

We ALL can tell from his actions that he does NOT love you no matter what he says or thinks. Maybe hethinks that he loves you, but that's sad if he does...because this is not what love is. They have all said it: you deserve better.

You don't have a marraige, you have a dead weight. Don't let your marraige ruin your goals for the future, and all your hard work in school.

You need to start doing some research and figure out a way to keep your funding, or find some other alternative, for next semester.

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http://studentaid.ed.gov/students/publications/student_guide/2004_2005/english/types-stafford.htm

I can't find anywhere in there that federal loans are based on marriage. That would probably be unconstitutional, anyway. Student loans are based on need and sometimes also on being a member of certain groups (e. g. a Philosophy student, or a member of the class of '08 or a Methodist if it is a private scholarship).

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kitkat_bar wrote:

They will only give me the money if I am married so I can't divorce him. You see? .

What? Are the loans in his name and his only? If so, apply for loans on your own. Getting loans for education has NOTHING to do with being married, except perhaps you get more money being unmarried because your income is much lower and you simply need more money. I got loans in amounts more than I needed to pay tuition and that paid for my rent up front for a whole year. That way, I didn't have to worry about it.

I think either you have very bad information or you are stalling.

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Maybe you mean that you can only get the subsidized loans based on need because you are married? Maybe the income guide is higher for married couples? Anyone can get student loans, even with bad credit, so I doubt you will lose your funding. And as Bella said, you can get enough to pay for housing -- maybe on-campus housing.

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I have two comments.

Yes, being married to someone who calls you names justifies filing for divorce. I'm assuming your vows included things like love, honor, cherish, etc., they probably did not include name calling and belittling.

No, filing for divorce in the middle of finals is not a good idea. I too was in school when I knew my first marriage was not going to make it. We were congenial, for the most part, but there was no doubt in either of our minds that our divorce was a matter of when, not if. I did not stay married until I finished school, but planning for my separate future during the last year of my marriage was definitely on my agenda.

Keep your options open, keep your self-esteem intact, and keep your sights on 'what's next'.

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J_B wrote:

No, filing for divorce in the middle of finals is not a good idea. I too was in school when I knew my first marriage was not going to make it.

You don't have to divorce to move out.

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Bella Dea wrote:

J_B wrote:

No, filing for divorce in the middle of finals is not a good idea. I too was in school when I knew my first marriage was not going to make it.

You don't have to divorce to move out.

but you do have to want to make a change.

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ehBeth wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:
J_B wrote:

No, filing for divorce in the middle of finals is not a good idea. I too was in school when I knew my first marriage was not going to make it.

You don't have to divorce to move out.

but you do have to want to make a change.

Yuppers.

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kit kat, I haven't read your whole thread here. But I hope you leave this man soon. No one should have to put with that kind of treatment. Are there any family or friends you can stay with? You should try to get out of there as soon as you can.

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My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

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