My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

Kitkat--

You asked the Hard Question and now you have to digest some truthful, unpalatable advice.



What do you think abuse is?

As for getting out of this situation....you don't strike me as a woman who insists that She Must Travel First Class and Nothing Less Will Do.

Maybe you'll have to spend some time on your parent's couch. Maybe you'll have to drop out of school for a semester. You'll definitely have to swallow some pride--being a divorcee isn't nearly as glamorous as being a bride.

A successful marriage depends on two people working hard to maintain a relationship. Your husband is not interested in a "successful" marriage. Your husband is into abuse and dominance.

Get out. Psychic bruises are some of the most painful wounds.

Kitkat: Two things in one of your posts are loud warning bells about your situation:{1} You say you and your husband were drunk when he hit you. If he wants to live in an alcohol haze,that's his problem,but the fact that you choose to drink,is a sign you are trying to numb or drown your troubles in booze.{2}Your use of the phrase "normal abuse".
There is no such thing !!! I cannot emphasize enough that you must:{1}
leave him immediately {2}join AA {3} See a lawyer about an order of protection against your husband and a divorce or annulment immediately

No such thing as "normal abuse" ... abuse is abuse, period, that's all, end of discussion, and his behavior toward you constitutes abuse ... by definition. I'd say there's plenty o' ugly in your relationship, kitkat_bar, but you ain't it - don't stay in there with it, or it'll get you too.

I'm with everyone else here who tells you to get out and get out now. There are plenty of domestic abuse and related women's help resources - get busy and get help before you get really hurt. Excuses and rationalizations don't mean much in the emergency room, and even less in the morgue.

One thing I just want to make a little clear...I am not an alcoholic nor do I care to drink. When I was drunk that night we had some people over and were playing drinking games and I guess I lost. I only drink socially but I just don't care for it all that much.

I have to stick things out at least for the time I am in school for educational reasons. But I will have a very serious talk with him explaining to him how I feel and if he isn't willing to understand how I feel and what his responsibility as a husband are then he will have to feel what it is like not to have me anymore.

I am inclined to agree KitKat is facing a big problem, but the orders you hand out here online are, to me, another kind of abuse.

You don't know that kitkat is any kind of alcoholic. If in fact she is, AA is not the only way to deal with it. Leave him immediately? I agree she is likely to need to leave. Tonight? Advice giving has some responsibility.

If indeed she does need to leave she needs to plan that smartly.

Kitkat,
I would strongly suggest you call (or better yet go for a visit) to one of the Women's Resource Centers close to you!
It doesn't cost money, there are people who can talk with you (who know what they are talking about), and resources galore.
It is one thing to hear our advice and opinions online (BTW: I agree w/ the general theme of getting out of this situation).
Take the next step and reach out for some support and resources in your area. They can help you with the details and practicalities; which of course are important.
Educate yourself, get a plan, and get out. Make that call !

Of course she needs to plan. Like getting a lawyer and a support order in place; perhaps a freeze on his assets, and so forth.

Kitkat, make plans to go. Just his behavior this weekend is reason enough. Go, before you start to share his opinion of yourself. Try the number Phoenix gave you. See if they can offer suggestions practical for you.

kitkat, you really, really, really must seek intervention. It has already gone too far. Maybe you guys can patch things up eventually but you NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!

Get in touch tomorrow with Al Anon.

The problem is not her drinking. The problem is her husband.

Agreed, rog, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't check out al anon - its more for folks involved with folks with substance abuse problems than for the substance abusers themselves - I think its well worth kitkat_bar's consideration, and it also would be a portal to other resources. One thing's for sure, if she doesn't start doing something, she won't do anything, and the situation she's in is not one known to be characteristically self-correcting.

Oh. In any case, I agree that the situation won't get better by itself.

For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else's drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship.
--------------------------------------------------

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Good call, nikki

Here's a plan. See if it works for you.

1) The semester will be done soon. Talk to your school about taking some time off. Explain the situation to them. They have heard it all before, times 20, and will not be shocked and should not be judgmental. They will, I am sure, grant a request for a leave of absence but you should do it soon before finals get in the way. It's also a courtesy to the school -- they would need to fill your seat for a semester or year or however long you'd be off so the earlier you tell them, the better.

Also, talk to school about things like living on campus (if that's possible) and work/study. Sure, you might be flipping burgers in the cafeteria or filing books in the library, but it's all good, honest work. Another idea is asking about part-time school. Surely you are not the only person who's needed to work in order to afford school. Also ask about aid. Loans, grants, scholarships, whatever they've got. Some might come if you apply, some if you write some sort of an essay. Find out. No reason not to ask.

2) Contact your folks. Explain the situation. Your parents love you and want the best for you. While they are dealing with your brother and his problems, they will, I am sure, do what they can for you. It's not just about money, it's not just about a place to stay, it's also about support. So tell them.

3) Contact social services. Again, they have heard this before, times 20. They will be neither shocked nor judgmental. You are in school, your assets are few and your income is not high, but since you are in school and bettering yourself already you may be eligible for more aid than most. But you have to ask. I know, it's hard, because you want to be independent, but this is a matter of getting food on the table and having a table to put food on.

4) Assess your financial situation objectively. (you don't need to answer these questions online, but you should know the answers)

How much $$ is in your individual account?
What's half of the joint account?
What is your salary?
What are your expenses? And by expenses I mean necessities only.
What are your debts?
Is there anything you can sell? You might have stock certificates, antique jewelry, a car that you could sell down, that sort of thing.

5) Do what you can to help your financial situation. Contact your credit card companies, if any. If you have debt, explain the situation. Yet again, they will not be shocked. Work out a payment plan if you have debts. Creditors want cash but are willing to take less if it means they will get something.

Contact the bank. Are you in debt? Again, tell them what's going on. See what they can do to help you. Even if you don't have loans with them, it's possible that you'd have trouble paying, say, a monthly checking account fee. Find out what they can do for you. If you've been a loyal customer for at least a year, banks tend to be very accommodating and willing to help figure out how to make it possible for you to keep your account(s).

6) Contact Al-Anon. Drinking affects the whole family. The fact that folks out of their teen years are playing drinking games says a lot. I am not saying that you, personally, are an alcoholic or even that he is, but it is troubling that drinking led to violence, and it is also troubling that drinking was the centerpiece of a social gathering. Find out what they can do for you -- it's a lot.

7) Talk to your friends. Perhaps someone has a couch, a few bucks, a lawyer who'll work for a small fee, or just a sympathetic ear. Your friends want to help you. I suspect that they have been watching what's going on, and are just unsure of what to do.

8) Contact Legal Aid. They're in the phone book. They can help you with a separation and a divorce, and a maintenance agreement. In a divorce, in most states, the party who is most disadvantaged (that's you) can get support from the other party. This is usually true regardless of fault, but this, of course, depends on the state you're in. You need not go hungry by leaving this guy.

9) If all else fails, or it's an emergency, contact a local women's shelter. They're in the phone book. In fact, even if the situation is not dire, you can always just keep their number handy. Just in case.

10) Take a deep breath. It's a lot, I know, the process of lining up all your ducks can be hard. But once it's done, it's very fulfilling.

It's good to not be a victim.
It's good to be in charge.
It's good to be the one calling the shots.
It's good to get your life back.

You can do it. I have every confidence in you.

"Normal" abuse? Kit kat, love, there is no such thing as "normal" abuse. If you are being emotionally battered or physically hurt you need to understand it is NOT normal.

Think of it this way. If you leave, you lose a lot of security. If you stay, you could lose your life.

We don't always get delt the best cards but you have to choose to either fold or play the game. You don't sound like you are ready to give up and I hope that you don't. Just because you don't hold the winning hand in this round doesn't mean you will always have crappy cards. What is does mean is that you have to keep playing to get the better cards, and in this case, playing the game means doing what is best for you and continuing to live.

Being on your own and accepting the fact that this marriage is over will be hard but if he doesn't kill you physically, trust me when I tell you he will kill you emotionally. Please get out while you can. There are resources out there to help you and I know it will be hard but the alternative is much, much worse.

This is so wonderful that the entire community here is reaching out to try to help this woman...I am getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Yikes. I wish I'd seen this thread before I responded to the money thread.

I don't know how old the two of you are, but his behavior -- calling you unattractive, putting you down in front of your family, not taking up for you when friends put you down -- is disrespectful and not loving. He's not loving you. You are newly weds and he's already pushing the limits of a healthy marriage. He strikes me as someone who is not used to limits. You must not accept his characterization of you. You are not ugly or unattractive, and if you are, what does that say about him for marrying you? You deserve a husband, especially a newlywed, who at least thinks that you were worth marrying. You cannot accept his behavior. How you register your rejection of his behavior is up to you, but threatening to leave (and meaning it) would certainly be a reasonable start.

It's good to know I have options out there that will be available to me when I am ready. But just so you guys/gals don't get the wrong idea about me, as I have said in a previous post, I am not an alcoholic....and no I am not in denial either. I really rarely drink. We just happened to be drinking that night with a whole lot of friends and we were playing a drinking game and I lost. I don't hide bottles of alcohol or anything. It doesn't happen very often. He drinks a hell of a lot more than I do, I drink socially only. I don't have to drink at all, I prefer to drink soda.

kitkat bar - you've been posting about problems in this relationship for over a year now. You posted about going for therapy together about 6 months ago A2k thread link - you weren't awfully happy with how that was going - another thread link ...

Did you find another therapist to work with?

I should probably just shut up now since it has become increasingly clear that I don't have enough information to respond, but given the links ehBeth posted, and the fact that you don't have children, I'm inclined to agree with those who have said that there's no reason to continue in the marriage.