My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

kitkat_bar wrote:

I don't really have anywhere to go. I don't have any money and my paychecks are a joke. I go to school full-time and work part-time. I barely make anything. My parents dont have the room for me and they are dealing with my little brother and his drug addictions. Plus...my husband works with my father at his corporation. Getting myself into this was easy...getting my self out seems like suicide.

kitkat, you've gotten some very, very good advice in this thread. Despite what you may feel, you are NEVER trapped in an abusive relationship. You are in school full-time? There are plenty of subsidies, loans, and many, many other ways to fund your way through school. Explore those.

On campus housing should be available if you're at a university, if not, you can probably find decent housing that your paycheck should cover. Use the loans to eat, whatever, but you should NOT be considering staying with this guy.

Take the responses in this thread to heart. Many of the people posting have been in your situation. It's not hopeless, you're not worthless, and you have options. Explore them, and do it NOW.

Best wishes, and keep us posted.

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Sometimes you kiss a frog and he turns into a handsome prince.

Sometimes you marry what you think is a handsome prince and he turns out to be an abuser.

He's enjoying putting you down. You don't enjoy it. He knows this. He continues.....

Kitkat, this is not "Happily Every After"--you're living in the wrong castle, living out the wrong story.

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KIt Kat,
It seems that the advice you are getting here is consistant. No matter how much advice you are given, it ultimatley comes down to you acting. I know how difficult it is to be a student and working. You are not the only one who has ever done it. The question is, do you want to stay with somebody who does not know how to treat you like you deserve to be treated, or do you want to be put down all your life?
Is it easy to work and go to school? No not at all. But it would probably be the best choice to get away from somebody like him.
This is not a thread about if you drink or not. This is a thread about how he treats you. Verbal and pschological abuse are harder to overcome than physical violence.

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kitkat_bar wrote:

It's good to know I have options out there that will be available to me when I am ready. But just so you guys/gals don't get the wrong idea about me, as I have said in a previous post, I am not an alcoholic....and no I am not in denial either. I really rarely drink. We just happened to be drinking that night with a whole lot of friends and we were playing a drinking game and I lost. I don't hide bottles of alcohol or anything. It doesn't happen very often. He drinks a hell of a lot more than I do, I drink socially only. I don't have to drink at all, I prefer to drink soda.

Amazing!!! With all the advice you have been given, you still choose to live in this abusive envirinment. Withput help, your situation will continue to deteriorate then maybe it will be too late to get help.

Your husband knows exactly what he has got. A doormat and an enabler. You refuse to face your problems. You come here for advice. You don't want advice. You want pity. You won't get pity from me. Really, you desrve everyhting you get. You are just as bad as he is.

You should have been on the phone with Al Anon this am. I suspect I know why. Because you are afraid that the first thing they will tell you is that YOU must completely give up drinking. And you are not willing to do that. Good luck but you made your bed, lie in it.

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twin_peaks_nikki wrote:

Amazing!!! With all the advice you have been given, you still choose to live in this abusive envirinment. Withput help, your situation will continue to deteriorate then maybe it will be too late to get help.

Your husband knows exactly what he has got. A doormat and an enabler. You refuse to face your problems. You come here for advice. You don't want advice. You want pity. You won't get pity from me. Really, you desrve everyhting you get. You are just as bad as he is.

You should have been on the phone with Al Anon this am. I suspect I know why. Because you are afraid that the first thing they will tell you is that YOU must completely give up drinking. And you are not willing to do that. Good luck but you made your bed, lie in it.

Harsh, but in this instance I agree completely with nikki. If you aren't willing to take drastic measures to improve your situation, you're fated to stay in it until he either dies or tires of you. Either way, it's better to be proactive than let events fall where they may.

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Q.

This is pretty much of a no-brainer. The community has spent quite a bit of time and energy reaching out to help and she decides to ignore us.

She needs tough love.

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agree :wink:

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Okay, I've read this entire thread, and I have something to say.

First of all, kitkat, I have been in a bad marriage and a good marriage. So I know the difference. What you are describing is a bad marriage, plain and simple. These things do not happen in good marriages.

Second, the chances of changing someone are slim and none. They have to want to change themselves, and even then the likelihood of them succeeding is not great. So, if you decide to wait and see if he changes, that's fine. But I wouldn't put too much hope in it if I were you.

Third, if this relationship ends, it will end in its own time. You'll know when you've had enough. It will be important for your self-esteem to stay long enough to know you've done everything you can to save it. (It's not all up to you, though.) But it's also important to know when to throw in the towel. When the day comes that you have no energy left to fight, it's time to go.

The others are right. It's not too soon to start planning what you'll do if it comes to that. I'd start socking away money if I were you. In fact, that's just what I did. And it's a good thing I did! If things miraculously turn around, you can always spend the money on something for the two of you. If not, you'll have the resources to BE ABLE to leave. Everyone should have that ability. Nothing is worse than feeling trapped.

Best of luck, kitkat. Let us know if you need a shoulder or two. (I'm pretty sure you will.)

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twin_peaks_nikki wrote:

Your husband knows exactly what he has got. A doormat and an enabler. You refuse to face your problems. You come here for advice. You don't want advice. You want pity. You won't get pity from me. Really, you desrve everyhting you get. You are just as bad as he is.

.

Deserves everything she gets?????? Why? Because she hasn't embraced the idea of leaving her husband, as suggested? You're joking, right??

Omg.

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

twin_peaks_nikki wrote:

Your husband knows exactly what he has got. A doormat and an enabler. You refuse to face your problems. You come here for advice. You don't want advice. You want pity. You won't get pity from me. Really, you desrve everyhting you get. You are just as bad as he is.

.

Deserves everything she gets?????? Why? Because she hasn't embraced the idea of leaving her husband, as suggested? You're joking, right??

Omg.

Just_babbling, what an apropos handle. Smile

No I am definitely not joking. She refuses to get help. She comes here whining and looking for pity. Not help. She is a doormat and her man knows it.

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twin_peaks_nikki wrote:

Just_babbling, what an apropos handle.

No I am definitely not joking. She refuses to get help. She comes here whining and looking for pity. Not help. She is a doormat and her man knows it.

Then you need to stop opening your mouth .....when opening your mouth shows your ignorance.

NO ONE deserves to be abused. Got that?????????

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She came here looking for support and affirmation.

Expecting her to change her entire life within two days because we tell her to is not reasonable.

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As I mentioned earlier.

We all may have agendas. The dive to have her never have another drink is surely inappropriate. Al-anon, on the other hand, could be really useful.

Nikki, brooke is seriously expert. You don't have to listen to her, but mocking her name is a tangential misfire.

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Of course not. She's found out some options, with leads to more, and she's confirmed what she probably already knew - she is not in a normal relationship.

Breaking away from this may be the hardest thing she ever has to do.

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Agree, Roger.

Even understanding is the hardest thing.

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Actually, she may never fully understand it. But there comes a point at which one decides not to live with it.

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Leave him.

Before he murders you.

That simple.

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

twin_peaks_nikki wrote:

Just_babbling, what an apropos handle.

No I am definitely not joking. She refuses to get help. She comes here whining and looking for pity. Not help. She is a doormat and her man knows it.

Then you need to stop opening your mouth .....when opening your mouth shows your ignorance.

NO ONE deserves to be abused. Got that?????????

If she refuses to seek help, she deserves what she gets. Plain and simple.

A lot of compassionate people here (you excluded) have put a lot of time, thought and energy to help her and she just ignores us. My suspicion is she is in denial about her subsatnce abuse as well. Otherwise, why wouldn't she pickup the phone and call Al-Anon?

Anyway, babbling, I apologize for the pun on your user name, you are probably a very nice young lady but you obviously lack any expertise in this area. This woman does not need compassion or pity. She need what is called "tough love." She needs to end the denial and get help NOW!

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*sighs* You just don't get it, do ya nikki.

Victims often have the false idea that their abuse is deserved. They learn this from the abuser. They are told this to squash their self esteem, in hopes they will never attempt to leave. It makes me want to vomit when I see someone start to reach out for help....and someone, such as yourself, comes along and says to them "You deserve everything you get."

Please educate yourself before making comments such as that.

Leaving an abuser is a "process." Learn about it, before you try to help someone else, please.

PS- Oh, and the "pun" to my user name? No appologies needed. I took it for what it was. :wink: Was hardly worth my commenting on.

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I can't believe that Nikki actually said that Brooke has no expertise in this area.

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My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

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