My Husband Thinks I'm Ugly

Good night to sleep here in the city...

After you get off the phone with AlAnon, you should call the World Trade Organization, because they also have nothing to do with your situation.

YES! THANK YOU!!! Someone out there is listening to my repetitive tries at explaining why there is no need to call AlAnon or whatever. Geez!!!!! What next??!?! Oh i've smoked a cigarette before, I must be addicted, better get the patch. Oh, I've smoked pot when I was younger, I must be addicted, I guess i'll have to commit myself! Holly crap, I sometimes drink socially with other people, I must be an alcoholic....

Maybe YOU should call Alnon and get the correct definition of an Alcoholic! I know what an alcoholic is and what it isn't. There is a difference between drinking socially and needing a drink just to get up in the morning.

The reason why I have been so skeptical about calling that number for verbal/mental/physical abuse is because I am not understanding why him slapping me is cause for divorce. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I ran all the facts through my head and they aren't adding up. He did slap me yes, but he was drunk. He has never hit me before...never beat me or slapped me or anything. I am thinking in that situation that he was feeling like a trapped animal because I was yelling at him. Don't think I am making excuses for him because I am not. I am just running everything through my head and wondering if divorce is the only answer.

kit_kat_bar, whether you drink or smoke or do crossword puzzles has nothing whatsoever to do with why or why not you should contact Al Anon, or some other intervention facility. As mentioned before, Al Anon is not about substance abuse, it is a portal for resources intended not to help abusers, but rather to help those affected by the abusive nature of others, deal with the problems forced on them by their loved ones. It would be unsurprising should an Al Anon counselor refer you to some other agency more specifically concerned with relationship issues. Divorce is only one of many options, options which include taking steps to rescue the relationship and reconcile the differences affecting the partners.

The fact of the matter is you have related experiences and voiced concerns indicating that the relationship in which you are involved is in some respects dysfunctional. Seeking outside assistance - counseling - means just that; counseling. These situations just don't get better on their own, and if you wish either to extricate yourself from the relationship or heal and revitalize the relationship, there exist many agencies and avenues of support. You can try to save your relationship, or you can terminate the relationship - the options are yours, if you take advantage of resources available to you. Do whatever you want to do, but if you do nothing, don't expect anything to get better.

Timber, I am skeptical about outside help. If it takes an outside counselor to "solve" the problem, then what was solved? then it seems like it is a marraige between man, woman, and counselor. there are bound to be more issues like the first and they need to be able to resolve them on their own.

Well, stuh, your take is rather at odds with that of experts in the field of relationship issues - one of whom I am not, but some of whom I know (a cousin is a clinical psychologist and director of a state and federally funded intervention program), and the writings of many others I've perused. A counselor merely provides the tools by which the partners repair their own relationship. Forgive me if this seems harsh, but I think a viewpoint such as that you've presented is dangerous, ignorant, counter-productive, fear-based, egotistic, and flat-out foolish.

Being at odds with proclaimed experts certainly doesn't score any points for credibility, but it doesn't necessarily make my opinion wrong, either. Especially considering that counseling is a business, what kind of business would teach that it's services are not needed? Look at some chiropractors.

No forgiveness necessary. You are free to say what you think about my opinions.

Dangerous? If the relationship is dangerous, then outside help may certainly be needed, but in that case the relationship should be ending rather than mending, so that doesn't even apply to what I said.

Ignorant? Sure, you could say that because I have never been in relationship counseling. My presuppositions of what goes on are based on what I've seen in movies, and on the logical ways that I can concieve of counseling a person...which are not far from the kind of counseling that people do on this forum.

Counter-productive? I'm not suggesting a strategy merely making an observation, that if the couple cannot work out the issues on their own once, then they probably won't be able to work them out the next time, either. An observation cannot be counter-productive.

Fear-based? Who's afraid?

Egotistic? I'm not even talking about myself, nor suggesting that I am important or knowledgable. I'm merely giving my opinion, there's nothing egotistical about that.

Flat-out foolish? Maybe, but my opinion is grounded in what seems to be sound logic to me.

Gee, wow. I hate to have all that dumped on me too, stuh, but I think you're right on the money.

Kit - Your situation sounds very familiar to me because I have been there. My ex and I got married very young. Fairly early on in the marriage, he began abusing me mentally - telling me I was stupid and ugly, etc. When we were alone, he was generally nice to me, but around others he seemed to have to make himself look "better" by putting me down.

I put up with it, thinking things would change - I don't know why I thought they would. Pretty soon we had our first child, and our second one nearly two years later. By this time I was totally miserable. He would hit me occasionally - not beat me up - and I would convince myself there was still hope. If it hadn't been for the children, I would have left, but by then I didn't see a way out. I was a stay-at-home mom and was too proud to ask anybody for help emotionally or monetarily.

To make a long story short, the mental and physical abuse became worse as time went on. He HAD convinced me that I was stupid and ugly and that I deserved what I got, even though I knew deep down that was probably not true.

One evening we had an argument (he was drinking, I was not). He ended up hitting me - I ran into the bedroom and tried to lock the door, but he managed to slam it open before I could. He got me down on the bed in a chokehold. I was fighting and gasping for air - I realized I was going to die. For some reason, the thought went through my head that I might as well let him kill me - that would be better than living as I had been. I quit fighting him, and all of a sudden he let go. I think he thought he had killed me - I've never known for sure if he let go because he thought I was dead, or that it scared him that I went limp. At that point, I got up and ran from him again. He left the house and after that incident, I finally realized I had to get a divorce. We had been married 10 years by that time.

Kit - I looked at some of your other threads. In one, you talk about money - you say someone gave you money for creating a website, your grandmother and father have given you money, but that your husband thinks the money is as much his as it is yours.

LISTEN TO THIS - You are young. You have ways of getting some money to get out of this potentially deadly situation. If you really want to get help YOU CAN DO IT. If you just keep whining and posting on A2K about your marriage, you might very well end up DEAD. Get help - through AlAnon, your school or a trusted friend or relative.

Realize that your self esteem might be shot right now, but that you are an intelligent and worthwhile human being. You don't deserve to have to live this way, and you MUST get away from this marriage IMMEDIATELY.

Good luck!

Wow that is exactly what happends...he is totally nice to me when we are alone and then he puts me down when we are with others. He will only put me down when we are alone when he feels like being alone and doesn't want me around. My husband has never gone as far as what you described in the rest of your post though. But I think I know why it has never gotten that far. He was raised Mormon and though he hates to admit it, he still has a lot of it in him.

I did have a little talk with him about what he said to me and he felt absolutely terrible for saying such things. The next day he took me out to dinner and a movie and bought me flowers. I know that leaving him would be devistating to the both of us so I think what I really need to do is bring in outside help. I have a counseller I can go to...a family theripist we can both see together. He doesn't hit me but the verbal abuse is coming from somewhere but he just doesn't know how to deal with these emotions yet. We are both 22 years old and are on our own for the first time in our lives. Dealing with emotions is foreign to him and he just needs someone to help him channel it.

Kitkat--

Fine, but you must do something rather than drifting further and further into a abuser/victim, master/slave situation.

I just want to say that I do not think it would be a bad idea for you to get counseling help, kitkat.

Yes kit, try counseling. But if you don't see improvement SOON, please get away from that relationship. It sounds so much like my marriage. My ex couldn't deal with emotions either, and he turned it into abuse which became harsher and more physical as time went on. Please, please don't become a statistic!

There's nothing like hearing it from someone who's been there.

Good to know your life is better, soozoo.

kkb, good idea re counseling. If nothing else, a third party will know what's going on, and that's a good thing.

Just remember, when you go to conseling, you hold nothing back, no matter how painful. It's the only way that you can get help.

Is curious about something, kitkat. It doesn't seem the counseling did much for you guys, earlier this year. Do you know why that might have been?

I guess what bothers me is that you will remain in the marriage long enough, without anything changing, that you grow accustomed to "his ways" over time. And although they remain inappropriate, they become acceptable. This appears to be what you are already settling into.

You guys have been married a couple of years. In that time, you seemed to have missed the honeymoon stage. Your problems were almost instantaneous.

So far from what you have told us, here and in previous posts, your husband is a real taker. He believes that men are better than women. Their superiority allows them to dictate every aspect of their woman's life. You have caught him putting a listing online, looking for someone to have casual sex with. He puts you down alot. Uses name calling frequently. Has told his friends that he must be desperate to have sex with you. Has told you on numerous occasions that all of his problems are your fault. He is a controller. He wants to "own" every asspect of your life and in your allowing him to do so ...... he will continue. It will never change, until you do something.

Love, knows not, what your husband breathes into this marriage. The respect, the dignity, kindness, selflessness, and caring that are apart of love.......are all things you are missing from him.

Love yourself enough to know you deserve better than that.

I can answer some of these questions for you. We did go to counciling and the reason we stopped is because we found out the problem. My husband suffers from depression. He is on anti-depressents now and things for us have gotten so much better from when we were first dating. If you think this is bad, you have no idea what he put me through when we were first dating. I stayed with him because I love him, not because I don't think I can get anyone else. What I think all that I posted before really comes down to is he is still very immature and still hasn't found himself. His parents through him out of the house because he never met their expectations and he went straight from his parents "trap" to a marrital "trap". He never had the time to find out who he is on his own and the time he did have wasn't enough. All he does know is that he loves me and wants me in his life but he feels like the marriage is a trap and he can't go off and explore the world or something. What he is really having a problem with is that he wants to go out there and explore the world but is afraid that I won't be here waiting for him when he gets back. He married me because he truly does love me and it would be so devistating for him to loose me. Thats why I am having a hard time leaving. He doesn't beat me, he is just angry at life right now and he lashes out at the closest thing he has to him, verbally. Both of us have gone to great extreames for each other. We have changes our lives around for each other. All the time we have invested in each other, it would be such a waist to turn and leave it all behind. There are more good times than bad and it takes two to work on a realtionship. Abandoning him would make me the one thing I hate the most and I just can't do that to him. I can however bring him to couciling again and if things still aren't better, then maybe a separation would be a good thing, not a divorce, but a separation.

Kitkat--

His needs, his needs, his needs, his needs....what about your needs?

Perhaps depression contributes to his anger, but one of the bad habits he picked up is taking his anger out on you.

His needs, his needs, his needs, his needs.

He needs some advice on managing anger and you need some advice on reclaiming your own dignity.

Noddy, I was wondering if I saw that too.

kitkat, hun...........let's get real, here. He's a classic example of a selfish human being that wants you as his wife.....but wants to be free to place his little wee-wee in any nice warm spot he wants. But he is afraid you won't be there when he gets back? No worries on that front, because if he finds someone he likes better than you, your ass is booted.





If this is love ....... I will happily grow old by myself.





I truely hope that I am wrong. But, I think the waste is going to be when you finally wake up and see all the years that have passed you by. And you are no more happy .....no more secure ..... no more loved, than you are today. Sad, indeed


Yes, kitkat, it does take two people working at a relationship. Two people loving each other in such a way that the other's happiness is top priority. It takes two people, with enough love in their hearts, to want what is best for the other. Striving to make sure the others needs are met.

I hope you wake up, before it's too late. If not, I hope you are able to walk away with some parts of yourself still intact.

I really have nothing else to say .......except to give you a big hug ((((((kitkat))))))) and wish you the best.

Take care.