Major Trouble Brewing-HELP!

Eoe--

What a mess.

I'd thought I 'd remembered that your stepsons...are...um....creatures of the moment......self-driven....?

Given the odds that Reggie might not be honest and forthright, I'd go alone with Soz and ehBeth and talk to Joe. Soz is upbeat--this is good. I'd also mention the grief of Reggie's family that his life may be short.

I like the idea of giving Reggie a chance--but Reggie's facts may include, "No big deal--the meds are a drag, but HIV isn't a death sentence like it was back when our parents were young."

Of course Joe might want to hear, "No big deal."

If HIV were one of the curable social diseases, MYOB might be in order. It isn't We're talking about a teen-ager (or a kid just out of the teenage years) playing life and death with real dice.

You've also got a right to consider Family Harmony through the ages. Joe's mother will still blame you, but the rest of the family will know you did all you could.

What a mess.

I know, how terrible one, you, feel in such a situation: my collegue in the county's health office told me once confidentially that someone I knew was HIV. (Actually, we both knew him.) And I knew that she knew with whom he was hanging around and wanted me to tell him, them, .... but since she couldn't officialy ...

I just started a talk from man to man - which, I must confess, was easier than I thaught, because both were trsuting me a lot, accepting me as well.

This is the part I don't get. Why should I talk to Reggie when it's very possible that he will indeed lie to my face (it wouldn't be the first time), assure me that he'll tell Joe or even more, insist that nothing is going on between them even if there is and then never say a word to Joe? I don't know how honest he is with his partners. I just know that, according to him, he's had several and according to his older brother, young Reggie, like most men, is a predator and for him, it's all about getting some. And then getting some more.

"Why should I talk to Reggie when he could lie "

because the subject could be about someone elses death .
Wich is above and beyond his ' dick's " needs.
Have you ever approached him about this before?
Or is this a first ?

I don't have a good solution for you although I do agree with Soz's idea to bring it up in a non-sexual context if it is going to be brought up but...

Not sure where you live but you might want to check your state's laws on the matter. In some states (FL for example) it is illegal for you to disclose that someone is HIV positive without their expressed consent.

He needs the practice dealing with tough subjects.

This is an incredibly selfish young man we're talking about here. I won't begin to regale you with some of his stories. Someone elses death may mean absolutely nothing to him since his focus is on his own. I simply cannot trust that he will do the right thing, no matter how I may ask/plead with him to.

How about talking to Joe and just letting the chips fall where they may?

that is what I suggest.
just pop the bubble.
And when he gets pissed, offer strong examples and situations where he was selfish and tell him that you are more worried about possible legal complications and another persons life then you think he is.

Does he know that if he infects somone... KNOWINGLY , and that infected person can PROVE THAT.. he can be sued? He can have felony charges brought against him?

To answer an important question asked a while back, Reggie's HIV status is NOT known outside of the very immediate family. If I tell Joe, I would have to beg him not to tell anyone. Like his mother or grandmother, for instance. That was one thing about Reggie that I never even told my own mother when she was alive because I knew how she would freak.

so then, there is the possibility of his status becoming the butt of jokes? Known to people who dont need to know?

I think, in the long run, respect will be given to you if you take it on yourself NOW to approach a subject HE WONT. He will know from this example how you expect him to treat other people wether they are sexual interests or not. Maybe a good slap of reality is what he needs.. though it sounds like he has gotten so much of that he has a permanent hand print on his cheek..

Interesting advice from fishin'. Worth following up on.

At this point, I'd suggest:

1.) See what the laws are in your state. If it's illegal to tell anyone without Reggie's explicit consent, well, a whole new tack needs to be figured out. But if it's legal,

2.) Tell Reggie that you plan to mention it to Joe. That you know that any of it -- that Joe is gay at all, that Reggie and Joe would hook up -- is only somewhat possible, but you prefer to err on the side of caution.

3.) After you've warned Reggie that you're doing to tell Joe regardless, do so. It's natural enough that you'd talk to Joe about the fact that he seems to be getting along with your stepson, just in a "isn't that nice" kind of way, doesn't have to imply anything. Then in that context, can let it drop. Lots of possibilities that have nothing to do with Joe's sexuality. The difficulties of raising them, and how hard you took it when you learned he was HIV +, but (the stuff about how he is doing well for now... if he is). There are a lot of ways for it to flow naturally

Oh, just saw the update about how widely known it is.

That in and of itself doesn't becessarily change my advice though; as long as it's legal, tell Joe. He might be more receptive to being told to keep quiet than most if he has his own issues of being in the closet.

That's right Soz. He's not going to broadcast it if it's possible that he will be potentially snatched out of the closet in the process.

As far as the legalities, I give less than a damn about that, but appreciate the heads up because I didn't know that it was illegal.

But now you guys are telling me to talk to both of them??? I guess that's the grown-up thing to do and someone needs to be an adult here but it sure isn't a conversation I'm looking forward to having with either of these young men.

DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN!!!

Or it could be approached in another non-sexually-hinted vein. Explaining to Joe that if he were accompanying Reggie and he should have an accident of any kind where blood is spilled that he should inform medical staff of his HIV status.

I think you should chat with Reggie and tell him you want him to be the one to explain it to Joe and if he doesn't that you will as you want Joe to be forewarned should any accidents (of the type mentioned above) happen and that you will prepare him to look after his friend if anything should occur where Reggie was unable to tell others to be careful of the blood. That seems an innocent and acceptable enough scenario where you are not jumping the gun on their potential sexual encounters but just being a careful parent to both of them.

Eoe--

I've been thinking about your situation while peeling potatoes and I really wonder what you've done to annoy the Ghost of Emily Post.

Hold your dominion.

Okay, Heeven, that's good. That's real good.
You Ms. Noddy should go back to peeling you taters!
But I'm holding...

I guess I should try and deal with this from the mindset of Joe just hanging out with Reggie and one, Joe is not gay and two, there's nothing going on between them. Whether I believe it or not, that should be the approach, huh?

In my opinion, you should tell Joe. Simple as that. Forget the ramifications; he should have this information. Period.

I think that is a good idea.
that way, if you can hold that mindset, it is a casual conversation between you and some kids.
The tension from him NOT telling belongs between them.. not you.
You are just talking to his 'friend'...

The only problem I see with that is that from that mindset, this information isn't urgent and is an unnecessary violation of Reggie's privacy.

Like Zane, I think it's most important to tell Joe (though I do think you should know what the law is just in case). Warning Reggie that you will be telling Joe (giving Reggie the chance to do it himself) is the more adult thing to do but probably less of an imperative.

The chance is small that a) Joe is actually gay AND b) he's going to hook up with Reggie sans protection, but even if the chance of it is small, I think the risk is high enough that you need to act on that chance, rather than hoping for the best.

Damn eoe, you do lead an interesting life. I don't think I can add anything to this conversation that hasn't been said already.