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Tue 27 Sep, 2005 02:09 pm
Okay. I've barely been able to work today for thinking about this potentially sordid mess. I think I know what I've got to do but geez louise, this is so dicey.
Some of you may remember that my Godson (let's call him Joe) is in college here in my city. We've wanted this for him for many years and it was a joyous occasion when he was accepted. Last year had its' ups and downs but he made it through and now he's back for his Sophomore year. Okay fine.
Altho' his mother has never outright said anything to me, she has, in the last couple of years, dropped enough hints to let me know that Joe's sexuality has been in question since high school. He's had 'girlfriends' in the past but he's also had relationships with guys who were obviously gay. Supposedly they were only friends but it has always been my experience, having many, many gay friends, that straight men and gay men simply do not hang out together. Of course, I'm of another generation and could be totally out of the loop on todays' attitude about this but I can only go on what I know.
Now, my youngest stepson (we'll call him Reggie) is gay. He's out, it's no secret, everyone has accepted it. Well, Joe and Reggie met each other for the first time here at a party in my home several weeks ago and now I hear last night, from my oldest stepson, that Joe and Reggie are hanging out together. I know that Reggie, who's a hair stylist, has cornrowed Joe's hair but I did not know about them hanging out and here's the crux of the dilemma...
Reggie is HIV-positive. I know that I need to tell Joe, in case Reggie hasn't, but I'm not sure how to do it without bringing Joe's sexuality into the picture. I don't want to sound accusatory but I want him to know how PISSED OFF I would be if they should get together. Out of all the gay boys in this city, for them to get together, disregarding the havoc that this could cause between the familes, would be like a slap in the face to both me and Joe's mother, my first cousin, not to mention putting me and his mothers' relationship in total jeopardy. A desperate, angry mother will be looking for someone to blame and I've got a feeling that the eyes will be cast this way, simply because they met in my home.
I know I need to talk to Joe but, am I making a big deal out of nothing? Am I jumping the gun? Should I take the risk and stay quiet? Should I take a stick to both of their asses? What?
Re: Major Trouble Brewing-HELP!
eoe wrote:Should I take a stick to both of their asses? What?
OK, I was taking this seriously until this line....
Surely, you know what I mean.
And believe me, this is no joke.
If it were me I'd avoid all the run around and possible breaeh of confidence by talking to Reggie and making it clear that HE needs to be honest and upfront with Joe.
After that it is between them. They are both adults.
They're adults, presumably. Young enough not to care about (or possibly even to want) the chaos.
It's their business.
D'oh! Squinney beats me to the punch!
Oh man.
I agree with Squinney too, though, seems like the simplest thing would be to talk to Reggie about it.
What I read between the lines is that you think Reggie wouldn't actually tell Joe? That he'd either refuse to your face, or else nod but not actually say anything?
If you feel like you need to tell Joe, you can probably do it in a way that doesn't bring Joe's sexuality into it. Depends somewhat on how secretive Reggie is, I guess, feels a little weird to go behind his back to give that info. But you could just say something general about how it's cool that the two sides of the family are getting along, then let something drop about how relieved you are that so far, Reggie has kept the fact that he's HIV+ under control, thank goodness for (meds, the job he has that allows him to afford the meds, the agency that's helping him afford the meds, etc.)
It's beyond what I'm usually comfortable with, but this is potentially literally a life or death situation. The "potentially" part makes it even harder, though.
Hmmm...
I'll keep thinking.
Hmm, I think as well you should talk with Reggie.
Re: Major Trouble Brewing-HELP!
eoe wrote:I don't want to sound accusatory but I want him to know how PISSED OFF I would be if they should get together.
o.k, I don't get this. Why be p-o'd if they got together (outside of the safe sex issue)? They're both adults - so the getting together part is strictly their business. However ...
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the safe sex thing - I'd tell Reggie that I'm going to talk to Joe. Reggie may say that he's going to, or there's no need to - I'd say something along the lines of "I'm just gonna confirm that with him then - Friday." Give him some time, and a chance, to get the word out.
Then I'd probably go Soz's route - gets the message across without getting into Joe's sexuality.
Do you think Reggie will be honest and tell Joe? Just sit him down and like everyone else said, make it clear how important it is for him to tell Joe.
I'd definitely 1-2 Reggie in that case.
what about an anonymous note left for him to find?
I know that is alittle immature to do, but it could serve as a good ' ice breaker' betwen the two of them ..
though the backlash of that idea may be more then anyone would want to handle
Well, what about dealing through a third party - e.g. your eldest stepson?
(I'm thinking, perhaps a male could be a better alternative for talks.)
Something tells me that #1 son would want nothing to do with it.
Chances are, they aren't even each others' type and truly are just hanging out together. There's no proof that they've become involved and there may be no need for Reggie to even tell Joe about his health status. In that case, I'd be jumping the gun, right?
I think it's one of those better safe than sorry scenarios though. Imagine that Joe meets this guy at your house... your own stepson... gets involved with him... the HIV is passed on to him... and THEN he finds out that you knew the whole time...?
If the stakes weren't so high, I'd be advising something else, but those are some really high stakes.
I was thinking along the same lines as Walter about your elder stepson, but if you think he couldn't, then yep, it's 1-2 time...
Is Reggies HIV status out there for anyone to talk about or is it kept private? It could be a privacy thing where you can't divulge his HIV status without his permission, right? In that case Reggie may have to be the one to tell Joe.
If it is an open subject for discussion, an innocent enough question (asked in front of Joe) could be about getting tattoo. Asking Reggie if he were to get a tattoo is it safe because of the needle and the chance of blood or would he have to tell the tattooist about his health issues. This could bring up the HIV thing without the assumption they might have sex.
There may be absolutely nothing going on. Joe may be an extremely open minded young man who is comfortable in the company of gay men but is not actually gay himself.
Or he could be confused, unsure or untested in his sexuality. Even though he has started college he is still young and naive enough not to think to ask the safety questions he should. I think Reggie should be made aware that if he is intimate with Joe that he must tell him about the HIV before anything happens.
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