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I told her BF about our affair

 
 
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 03:44 pm
This girl whom I have been really good friends with for 15 years just broke my heart. A lot of it is my own fault. We worked together years ago and kept in touch over the years. We had that type of friendship where we would never hang out, but would talk pretty much daily. It was one of those “meant to be together” type situations, we both knew it but were never single at the same time. We had no secrets and would talk about and tell each other everything. Back in May we gave into our urges and started having an affair. We were pretty much perfect together. She told me on several occasions that she wanted to have a life with me, marry me, have a family, etc (this was all before we started having sex). I felt the exact same way. I was unhappy in my relationship of 18 years and I left my significant other for her. I did not expect to drop her current BF for me right away, but given our conversations over the past six months, it would happen eventually. We had plans to go out this past Saturday night. We had been discussing it all week, I had a wonderful evening planned out for us. Two days prior, she tells me that she forgot that she told her BF that she would stay the night at his place, but wanted to hang out with me during the day. This was the second time in two weeks that she “cancelled plans with me”. I was very upset, and I never get mad. I was hurt, I was angry. I did the dumbest thing ever and told her BF everything about the past six months. Needless to say she was NOT HAPPY. We had been talking about this night all week. I was really looking forward to it. It was very dumb for me to do that. I apologized countless times. She won’t talk to me. I feel like an idiot. Probably because I am one. My heard has been shattered because of my one stupid act of anger after a 15 year history. She says she hates me and to never talk to her again.

I’m not one to judge people, but a bit about me. Well educated, have my own truck, my own house, and a good career. She is currently going to school and graduates in December and will have a good high demand career. He is on socially assisted living, and works at WalMart at 40yrs old. I know he isn’t good for her and is dragging her down, but it’s not my decision. I’m honestly not sure what she sees in this guy. It’s a relationship that I have tried to get her away from long before we got involved. He was homeless for a period of about 5 months, is now in subsidized housing. He has tried to kill himself in front of her twice. He has since gotten help for that. The guy was definitely down on his luck and I sympathize for sure.

Truth is, I am still head over heels in love with her. Can’t get her out of my head 24/7. I’ve definitely gone through some low periods this past week. That being said, since she has been such a good friend over the years, her well being and best interests are priority number one for me over trying to re-kindle what we had. Given his history, I am honestly concerned for her well being and safety.

The big blow up/me telling her BF thing happened on Thursday, it’s now Monday. I apologized several times Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. We haven’t spoken since then.

Any tips on how to approach this. Give up and walk away is not going to be an option for me. I can’t get her off my mind. How long should I wait before trying to reach out again? What do I even say?

I'm a 45 (M) She is a 33 (F)
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 04:20 pm
@Heartbreak77,
Heartbreak77 wrote:
That being said, since she has been such a good friend over the years, her well being and best interests are priority number one for me over trying to re-kindle what we had.


Keep telling yourself lies.

Heartbreak77
 
  -1  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:02 pm
@neptuneblue,
How is this helpful? You picked one sentence out of the entire post and made a useless comment. Go troll elsewhere.
NealNealNeal
 
  -1  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:02 pm
@Heartbreak77,
Stay in contact with her.
You said that you expected her to leave him eventually. Have you considered other characteristics he might have that appeals to her?
Perhaps all three of you need to grow up. In the future you may enjoy a more mature relationship with her.
Heartbreak77
 
  -1  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:06 pm
@NealNealNeal,
I will certainly try to stay in contact with her. She's ignoring me currently, I'll try no contact for a bit and see how that goes.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:14 pm
@Heartbreak77,
I called a spade a spade. If you were honest and had a shred of integrity, you'd understand you both were cheating. You don't care about her, only want something from her. If you really cared, you'd get out of her life. But you can't because of your narcissistic ways.
Heartbreak77
 
  2  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:18 pm
@neptuneblue,
You don't know me from a hole in the ground. I'm the farthest thing from a narcissist. If I wanted her out of my life, I'd walk away.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Mon 24 Oct, 2022 05:21 pm
@Heartbreak77,
Then do exactly that.

Or keep lying. Your choice.
NealNealNeal
 
  -2  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 10:14 am
@neptuneblue,
Give him a break!!! He has admitted his mistake.
Sure, there are men who are egotistical. However, there are good men around. And these good men sometimes make mistakes.
If she never forgives him, she is not worthy of any man.
Hopefully, he has learned from the situation.
izzythepush
 
  3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 10:26 am
@NealNealNeal,
You sound like a bishop defencing a paedophile priest.

You know nothing about the man, other than what he's posted here.

Not enough determine if he's a good or bad person, but you run forward to defend the man who cheated on his wife.

He's not shown a drop of concern for her or any remorse, all he's done is whine about his lost love.

His tears are all for himself.
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 10:43 am
@NealNealNeal,
A mistake is a drunken fling with regret. This has been a full on affair for over six months with no end point in sight. Your definition of a good man is skewed and needs adjustment. Good men wouldn't cheat in the first place, nor purposefully cause pain to someone he desperately says he cares about.

OP has not learned anything. He thinks he can say anything, do anything to her that he wants and she'll come running right back. Well, she isn't. Instead of accepting the affair is over, he's going to hound her. That ain't normal.

OP needs to let go and move on.
0 Replies
 
NealNealNeal
 
  -2  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 02:03 pm
@izzythepush,
"A lot of it is my fault". That is a good start.
Jesus said "He who is without sin let him cast the first stone". A minute later He said to the adulterous woman 'Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more".
I refuse to condemn him for "bad motives". Unless you are perfect, you should not either.
izzythepush
 
  3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 02:10 pm
@NealNealNeal,
Theres's a difference between not condemning a letting go scot free.

That's the attitude that forgave paedophile priests and allowed to carry on abusing.

People are accountable for their actions, there are consequences.

Jesus also said a lot about rich men and eyes of needles which the religious right conveniently ignores.
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 02:27 pm
@NealNealNeal,
NealNealNeal wrote:
I refuse to condemn him for "bad motives". Unless you are perfect, you should not either.


I'll condemn who I want, when I want, thank you very much. A cheater cheats. That's what they do. If you think that's a trait to be admired, then you need to re-read that little book you're so fond of quoting.
NealNealNeal
 
  -3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 02:44 pm
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Theres's a difference between not condemning a letting go scot free.

That's the attitude that forgave paedophile priests and allowed to carry on abusing.

People are accountable for their actions, there are consequences.

Jesus also said a lot about rich men and eyes of needles which the religious right conveniently ignores.


Yes, people ARE accountable for their actions!!!!
0 Replies
 
NealNealNeal
 
  -3  
Tue 25 Oct, 2022 02:48 pm
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

NealNealNeal wrote:
I refuse to condemn him for "bad motives". Unless you are perfect, you should not either.


I'll condemn who I want, when I want, thank you very much. A cheater cheats. That's what they do. If you think that's a trait to be admired, then you need to re-read that little book you're so fond of quoting.


I don't admire the OP. He is a sinner just like you.
0 Replies
 
 

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