Tension convention

This is a new one for me, haven't resolved what to do yet. Advice welcomed.

We are new homeowners, though we've rented real houses in residential areas before, so are familiar with most of the trappings. We've never been particularly close to our neighbors, though we are usually the ones making overtures. Our next-door neighbors in Naperville, who had been friendly but cool, actually specifically thanked us right before we moved for being such great neighbors and so respectful of their privacy. There was an empty lot (grass) between our house and neighbors on the other side, who we were also on wave-and-smile (and occasional chat) terms with. The exception was our across-the-street neighbors, who we gradually became very close to after a couple of years of wave-and-smile, and that with kids who are only months apart.

So, we moved here, and the neighbors to the South were SUPER friendly. My default L.A. reaction was that they had a really great religion they wanted to share with us, or something. But I had already realized that people are more friendly in Columbus, and just went with it. We gave them thank-you cards for the nice things they did, got goodies for them at Trader Joe's when we went (kind of far, they mentioned that they liked some things but never got out there, etc.)

Neighbors are late 50's/ early 60's, childless. They were VERY close to the former homeowners (FH), who had lived here for 14 years before selling. The FH's kids, who were born here, were over there often, and the momFH and wifeNeighbor were very good friends. They'd get together and chat, go shopping, etc. Their dogs were even friends.

So, wifeNeighbor (who I learned all of the above from) would ask me if I wanted to go shopping and such. I plain didn't, for a few reasons. For one thing, I didn't have much time. It's not something that works well with sozlet, and hubby has been working insane hours since he started the professor gig. The rare times that he is home and available to watch sozlet, there are many, many things I would rather do than shop with someone who has very different tastes than mine (Her -- Talbot's and Ethan Allen. Me -- weird vintage shops) and who is extremely difficult to lipread. (She has a poker face/ deadpan delivery, and thinks about everything thoroughly before speaking. Spontaneous, think-it-speak-it people are much easier for me.)

This came up maybe three times, I was always nice about it and not completely opposed, but it was just so not on my list of priorities. I'd go out and chat when I saw her, bring her flowers occasionally, etc., plenty friendly.

(This is long, but I'm trying to get in anything that might be pertinent since I haven't quite figured it out.)

Anyway, once the winter hit, we saw each other much less. I was dealing with sozlet's neverending sicknesses and generally was in survival mode.

Come spring, there was definitely a... tone. I wasn't sure what to make of it, wasn't sure how to react to it, wasn't sure it wasn't just my imagination. We remained friendly when we saw each other.

Whatever that thing was, it seemed to gradually increase.

Other possibly pertinent info:

I have been working hard on my yard, and have been pretty proud of the results. The front yard is looking really good. The back yard, since my discovery of the mother of all poison ivy vines, has definitely suffered. It's pretty wild/ woodsy anyway, so not an enormous change, but it definitely needs work.

Throughout, I've been getting a lot of unsolicited gardening advice from wifeNeighbor. That is fine, I need info. A lot of what she has been telling me has been contradicted by what I know or what I find out, though. Like, she told me to pull up "grass" that was actually a very pretty (when it bloomed) bulb. She told me to get rid of suckers on the lilac when in fact years of doing so is why the thing is almost dead. A big one is that she keeps telling me to water more often, when daily waterings by the FHs has given most of my plants shallow/ bad root systems, and I'm purposely moving towards drenching waterings more rarely, which seems to be working. Another common exchange, "Pull that up, it's a weed." "What kind of weed?" (I like native wildflowers.) "It doesn't matter, it's a weed."

Her yard is made up of grass and then vast swaths of mulch with little round shrubs here and there.

SO: finally, where things are now.

We recently went to Texas for about a week. It's been dry around here, and I asked my OTHER neighbors (to the North) to water my yard if need be. I also mentioned in passing to my South neighbors that we'd be gone, just so they knew -- didn't ask them for anything. When I came back, everything looked good... but then I looked more closely. Someone had gone to town on my front yard. The vinca was cut back, WAY back. (Way more than I wanted it to be -- I'd already cut it back as far as I wanted it to go.) Mulch had been put down some places. Weedkiller had been sprayed on trumpet vine shoots.

I cautiously asked North neighbor, uh, what's up with this, as it didn't seem like her at all. She said that everytime she came over to water, South neighbors were doing it/ had already done it. :-? She confirmed that she (North neighbor) hadn't done a thing. So it was all South neighbor.

Stew stew stew.

I was furious. I understood that there was a helpful impulse there that was nice, but there was also a heavy undercurrent of judgement/ "this is how it SHOULD be done, and if you can't do it the way I tell you to I'll do it myself."

I swallowed that though and helped sozlet make a thank-you card, specifically for the mulch (that was most obvious, the rest became more obvious later). I was too mad to go with her to give it to her, wanted to get over it first rather than starting something.

Well, I'm not over it. I had written her a friendly email about recent improvements in her yard, and she wrote back with "Thanks." Period. She's avoiding me. My family was cleaning out the back porch and saw them, went over to say hi, she disappeared.

If this was some random person I didn't have to live next to for the next 20 years or whatever, I would so be in her face. (E.G. sees the glint in my eye and keeps telling me "don't do it..." He's seen me go medieval on people's asses before...) If it was somebody I knew well, a family member or long-time friend, I'd be wanting to have a talk. But she's this weird in-between area, as I really don't know her hardly at all, and from what I do know of her, frankly don't want to. Friendly, yes, cordial, yes, FRIENDS... no.

But maybe I can have that talk anyway.

I don't like the rush of adrenaline I get when I see her, want to solve this without the medievalness.

Thoughts?